April 13, 2021 at 12:52 pm #377624
the third test was more of a surprise to me too… But I was thinking, it can’t hurt.
Well, I don’t know if I am delicate. In some ways, I think I am not delicate at all. Often I don’t give up easily, I also moved to new places on my own four times, went to live in another country for a few months… In school, I was always the person who had to catch the spider. I could go for 7 or more hour-long walks. I worked as a room maid, even though I was too slow, I did not give up and it is a physically hard job. I am facing my problems, working on myself… I can take criticism. Those are things where I think I am not fragile/delicate…
In social interactions, I am often very unsure of myself. And yes, I get easily worried and lose balance. Then I am often seeking reassurance, but I need to learn to reassure myself. When I have more information, or when I can talk about it, I become more secure. On the other hand, I can become very insecure if a person I ask for reassurance ignores me or doesn’t respond well. Or if the communication is just very bad. But I have to become more independent of other people’s opinions.
With the Corona tests and figuring out that it was probably just my allergies, I was feeling safer and less nervous. Now I also took the medication and am feeling better again.
Today I did yoga in the morning, then finished the painting of project B. Later I worked on project C, did my laundry, and cleaned for a bit. I am content with myself. Tomorrow I want to finish the illustration I am currently working on for project C, maybe make some sketches for the next and work on project B. Also, do yoga or exercise or go for a walk and clean up for a bit.
Thank you for wishing me a good night! I did sleep better and felt better today. Until tomorrow!April 13, 2021 at 1:29 pm #377627
Accountable! I suppose in many ways, you are not delicate or fragile: you don’t give up easily, you moved to new places 4 times, including to a new country, you can walk for 7 or more hours (wow!), you worked as a room maid (I did too but did not survive the first day, so another wow! to you), you are facing your problems, working on yourself, you do take criticism, and more. So, yes, you are a strong woman. I will not forget it and hope you don’t forget either!
Glad to read that you are feeling better and I hope you are having a good night.
anitaApril 14, 2021 at 12:32 pm #377712
in some ways I am strong and in other ways I am weak. I know I have to work on myself a lot. But I still have some strength in me. Maybe it was just my wrong believes that made me weak…
Today I did yoga in the morning which made me feel energized. Later I painted and I finished my illustration for project C. Tomorrow I want to start a new one and also do yoga and clean.
Thank you for your good wishes! Hope you are having a great day yourself!April 14, 2021 at 1:04 pm #377717
Accountable! Thank you and you are welcome. About strength and weakness: I admire you for the fact that although you experienced much emotional pain in your life, much of it I read and felt as I communicated with you over the years- you did not and do not pass it on to others (by mistreating/ weakening others). I wish there were many, many more people like you in the world, the world would be a much better place for it!
anitaApril 15, 2021 at 1:35 pm #377797
hopefully, I did not pass on the pain to others. However, I am not a saint. In my childhood, I would often fight with my sister and I also hit her. Also, I was disrespectful to my parents. I probably said hurtful things to them, because I wanted to not be weak. Often I worry that I might have hurt my ex in some way or another. But in his case, I have never had any intention to hurt him at all! While in my childhood? Did I want to hurt my family?? I think I wanted to be strong myself and I thought for a while that being strong meant being loud and saying cuss words. I hadn’t understood back then that you can be strong and quiet and sensitive at the same time! I tried for a very long time to be something I am not. It took me so long to completely understand!
It is however not my intention to hurt others. It is not who I want to be. I do not want to mistreat anyone! Sometimes I will say something stupid and also I can have angry feelings towards a person. But I would like to be a person who is kind to others.
Thank you for your kind words! It motivates me to try to be friendly to people. No matter what happens, I don’t want my heart to become bitter and give up. And I don’t want to pass on the pain to others.
Today I was feeling a bit tired again, as I hadn’t slept that well. The good thing today was that I tried a new recipe which was delicious! It was millet with tomato and fried vegetables. Recently, I tried out some other grains, instead of eating rice all the time. Then I also wrote down the recipe in my recipe collection along with some other recipes. Let’s be honest: this was a form of procrastination from starting a new illustration… It is always harder to start again. But after looking at the pages I already finished I feel more motivated again. I think I will make a small sketch now. Today I also read and I drew just for fun.
Tomorrow is a workday, so there will be less time for other things. But I still would like to find some time to draw.
Take care!April 15, 2021 at 1:58 pm #377804
Accountable! Millet with tomatoes and fried vegetables sound delicious!
Regarding the first two paragraphs of your recent post, I have a lot to say about it.. but I already said everything I had to say on these topics already for over five years, starting January 14 2016. I posted to you many posts with my developing understanding of you, based on reading and re-reading and studying what you shared for many hours, going back to old posts so to integrate new information into the old. I think that I did a good job. You are welcome to re-read any part of our communication/ my posts to you anytime you feel like it, if you do. And so, there is no reason nor is it useful for me to repeat myself.
I hope you sleep well tonight!
anitaApril 16, 2021 at 11:35 am #377885
sorry, I know you did not want to discuss my childhood any further. When reading how you praised me for not passing on emotional pain to others, I got worried a bit, asking myself if I could truly be this amazing and if I had presented myself as too perfect. Then I started to ask myself; is this really true about me? Maybe I should learn how to take a compliment. It would be amazing if I was like this. But all I can say is that I have the intent to be kind and friendly to others and not to hurt them to my best abilities. That is something.
Also thank you for the time and effort you put into helping me and going through my threads for hours! You have given me lots of advice and insight and it did help me to understand better. I don’t know if I understood everything. Maybe it is time to go back to the old threads. The last time we talked about it it was still too painful, especially reflecting on my ex again (by reading the old threads). It has helped me to think less about him and made me feel calmer again.
Today at work one of my co-workers got sick. I hope they are o.K., but it was quite serious. I like them, but we are also not so close, simply I hope they will fully recover. Other than that, the day was very slow. When I came home I did 50 minutes of yoga and it made me feel refreshed. Just when I finished my grandmother called and then I also talked with my roommate. Then I made food and it should be ready soon. After eating I should draw. Also, tomorrow: I need to work on project C and also go outside or do yoga again.
Hope you are well!April 16, 2021 at 11:48 am #377888
Accountable! I am tired, but fine, thank you.
You are welcome. If you want to re-read parts of my previous posts to you over the years, but you don’t want to re-read the parts about your relationships or interactions with men (other than with your father), I will be glad to copy and paste for you (on this thread or on the previous thread), the parts of my posts that do not include the italicized. Let me know if you’d like me to do so (it will not take me much time).
When I wrote to you yesterday that I admired you for what I stated, I meant it whole heartedly, and I shared it with you for no other reason than it being true.
I hope you have a restful night!
anitaApril 17, 2021 at 1:32 pm #377947
good to hear that you are fine!
Thank you for your offer. I am not sure though. At the moment I am feeling calm and stable and I feel that I should concentrate more on the present. I have extensively thought about my problems and the past here with you, in therapy and my own mind. You have helped me. I feel that I have understood much more and gained more clarity. Sometimes old ways of thinking come up and I guess I will never become 100% confident. But I am making progress. My thoughts that came up when you complimented me were my old thinking patterns. Feeling like a fraud and making myself small.
I should learn how to take a compliment! I know you meant it whole heartedly. Hopefully, you know that you have truly helped me and that I appreciate all of your hard work.
Today I went for a walk, picked wood garlic, cleaned for a bit and worked on my illustration. Tomorrow again I want to work on my illustration.April 17, 2021 at 1:44 pm #377950
Accountable! Your significant progress is evident, even in the earlier post where you didn’t take my compliment well, I still noticed your progress: you were far less disturbed than you used to be, long ago. Thank you for letting me know that you know that I meant the compliment whole heartedly, it makes me feel better that you know it!
I agree that it is better that you focus on the present, and so, it’s not a good idea to bring back any part of the old posts. If you ever want me to do what I offered to do, let me know. For now, let us both enjoy what seems to be, where I live, not spring but summer!
anitaApril 18, 2021 at 12:22 pm #377993
thank you for being understanding and for your offer! I will get back to you if I need help with revisiting the threads.
Did you enjoy your spring/summer day? Here it is still fresh outside, but the last days were sunny. I want to value the seasons more and pay more attention to nature’s wonders.
My day was not so productive. At least I tried out two new recipes and thought about goal setting. Like I said before but then lost track of it, I need to set specific goals for myself. The weekly review was also a good idea and I should bring that back as well.
My goals for this week:
1) Finish project B (3 pages are left)
2) Work on one illustration for project C
3) Do yoga as often as possible
4) Think more about my goals
5) Spend time in nature
Tomorrow I have to go to work, but I also should draw for at least a few minutes (project B). Yoga would also be good, it often makes me feel better and helps with my back problems.
Have a good rest of Sunday!
April 18, 2021 at 7:12 pm #378010
- This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by Lily.
Accountable! Yes, I did enjoy this summer day: it looked like a summer day, I wore shorts and a short sleeve shirt, was at the bay, by the ocean where people were sun bathing, blue sky, blue water, absolutely beautiful!
You are welcome and I hope you are sleeping restfully as I type this, and have a good day at work tomorrow!
anitaApril 19, 2021 at 12:20 pm #378081
your day sounds so nice! And it’s always good to see the ocean. Here it’s not quite summer-weather yet. In the morning it was foggy, but later the sun was shining. It’s now starting to feel a bit more like spring.
At work, there was not so much to do, so I went home early. Still, I managed to be socially awkward. Later I painted on project B. After the initial resistance of starting something new, it always gets better.
Tomorrow I want to finish that painting and also work on another page.
Thank you for your good wishes! See you tomorrow!April 19, 2021 at 1:13 pm #378088
Accountable! Another sunny day here, but it is forecasted that the temperature will drop later this week. You are welcome and… see you tomorrow!
anitaApril 20, 2021 at 12:07 pm #378172
it was sunny here today as well and people were not wearing jackets, some even wore T-Shirts and short skirts.
In the morning I went to get another Corona test because I was going to therapy in the afternoon (we can have one free test per week). It was negative. Then I painted and finished the page. Later I went to my therapy session. We talked about my goals and why I am blocking myself. My goals for the next months are to finish my projects, exercise more, and eat less sugar and the third one was to structure my day more/have more diversity, and sometimes have some fun. Also, I can adjust what is working and what is not working.
Tomorrow I would like to do yoga in the morning and finish one page for project B. In the afternoon, I can work on project C, later maybe something like reading or going for a walk. Also, I wanted to clean up.
Hope your Tuesday went well!