Dear Felix,

thanks for sharing some more about your life. It’s unfortunate that your baby sitter forcefully fed you, leading to a traumatic experience. May I ask how your parents reacted to this incident – did they have compassion for you? When you later refused or were unable to eat solid food, how did they react? Were they understanding of you?

Good that you found a way to still help yourself, by drinking water. I think this kind of trauma could even be solved permanently, e.g. by using EMDR or EFT (tapping) techniques. You may look into it…

About your insecurities, you say:

back then when most boys and me are about the same height… i seldom feel insecure.. like i can enjoy life… until highschool starts and every boys get so tall and im in the same height as most girls… that day my insecurity came

I believe your insecurities were present before too, but in a smaller measure, and they didn’t affect you too much. You perhaps weren’t even aware of them. They came out into the light in high school, when you entered puberty and other boys started growing faster than you. You remaining shorter than your peers was a trigger that activated your insecurity.

But I am almost certain that the root of your insecurity goes further back, when you were a child. I wonder if you were criticized a lot as a child? Felt not good enough?

Having read some of your other threads, I see you’re struggling with your place in your father’s company, since you’re not being given any important tasks even though you’ve graduated from university. You’re also criticized by your father for being lazy, not working out, not appreciating his work in the garden… Your mother might have complained about you to the neighbor, and once at a garden party, this neighbor told you something like “come on, try frying the meat, you’ll never learn if you never try”. You felt like being treated like a child. You have this feeling that others too treat you like a child.

This tells me you might have been criticized as a child and given the message that somehow you’re not capable enough, or in general not good enough. If a child is criticized a lot, they fail to develop self-confidence and many other skills, and they may indeed seem incapable later as adults. But it’s not really their fault, there’s nothing inherently wrong with them. It’s just the conditioning and the message that they aren’t good enough that they internalize and start believing about themselves.