Dear Felix,

What i can remember is that my mother use to get mad at me a lot for not being able to eat as it causes her a lot of stress and she’s worried of my future

This means you didn’t feel compassion and understanding from your mother, but instead she was angry at you and condemned you for not being able to eat properly. She didn’t realize that a trauma caused it, and blamed you for behaving in a way that causes her stress and worry. So she blamed you for causing her stress and worry – and that’s a pretty big burden for a child to carry.

And since you couldn’t help yourself – the fear of swallowing was bigger – you felt helpless and also you felt it’s unfair because it’s not your fault. Later you had those same thoughts about your height – you feel it’s unfair that you’re short because it’s not your fault. It seems like you forgot the original trauma, which originally caused your misery, and blamed it all on your height.

Your mother could have sought the help of a child psychologist to help you with your trauma, but instead she just kept blaming you. Later, at the age of 7, you learned how to help yourself by drinking water with your food, but the discomfort and the fear of swallowing is still there.

I believe this trauma could be worked with, you’re not helpless and it doesn’t need to stay like that forever. But the first thing you’d need to do is to have compassion for that 3-year old boy who was forcefully fed, and probably felt he was choking and then threw up. You’d need to have compassion for that same boy who was later accused by his mother for behaving stupidly and causing her stress and worry. Try to understand that it wasn’t your fault, you were simply a little child who got really scared that you’d choke to death, and this fear and trauma was never properly treated. That’s why it’s been haunting you till this day…

Due to this trauma, you’re not eating properly and have a small, thin body. This makes you additionally ashamed of yourself, because it exacerbates your short height. You don’t want to workout either, I guess because it all seems pointless, so you’re staying in a vicious cycle of pitying yourself and blaming God for putting this misery upon you. And it makes things even worse when you hear some rather insensitive people say things like “you should eat a lot to have bigger body”. They don’t understand that you can’t eat more, because you have a problem with swallowing…

In those moments you hurt a lot, because it all seems so unfair, and no one understands how hard it is for you. But please know that I understand, and also, there are people out there – therapists and counselors – who’d understand too. Also, try to understand it yourself and have compassion for yourself. It’s not your fault that it happened and it’s not your fault that you cannot solve it on your own. But there is help and you aren’t doomed.

How do you feel about what I’ve just written? Does it seem true to you?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.