Dear Anita,

Thanks for the two replies and I think I understand what you said in the first reply.

I can not fully reply.

It is true that I have anger in me.

I am angry and I am sad right now.

The more I thought about it, the more sadness I had, my anger increased as well.

It is in my head, and it got bigger in my head.

But I can not write down what I thought.

I know that anger hurts people.

I know that anger distances people.

I remember how my mum cried when I was angry at her for not letting me play before completing my homework first in grade one.

I remember how I felt bad for having hurt her. I was at first stubborn and isolated myself. Our family wanted me to apologize to my mum first before I go outside.

It was unfair. I wanted to play and not do the homework first, I could have done it afterward. Why would I have to apologize to such non sense.

But I also was sad and angry at myself for making my mum cry. The thought came up again.

I apologized and cried when apologizing because I had hurt my mom.

I am angry at the amount of lies that exist in the world.

1. People want fairness but we are not fair. So many times have I been treated unfair because of being different; different skin color, different likes, different ideas, different background.

2. People want authenticity but only to their liking.

3. People say you should be yourself, but if you are yourself and it is not to people’s liking than that is a lie.

4. People say they want kindness but are skeptical of it.

5. There are so many things that contradict each other so there is no right or wrong, but people say something is right or wrong.

6. Working is fun or full-filling, that is a lie. Most people I have met so far are sad or angry when they come back from work. There are two exceptions. I met one man once who was always happy. He was the first to notice my sadness in Cuba. When I was ready to talk to him I soon found out he died of cancer. He was a really happy man. I wish I could live life as happy and to it’s fullest as he did.

I hate to admit it and but I am smart and people are jealous of smart people – that is unfair. I feel lonley for being smart.

I feel lonely for being so open-minded and I am mad when people are not trying to be open-minded. At the same time we want to be accepted for who we are, that itself is kind of a lie or hypocrasy.

What I am most sad and angry about is that I want someone to make me their first priority. But I would dislike myself if anyone were to lose themselves by putting me first before they do their own.  Yes the inner child is not fully wound.  And I know a child would not speak this way; there are words and expressions a child would not say, but it is as much I can do for now. I guess a child would say, “I am sad and angry because no one truly cares about me.”

I just had to think of memory; when I was a teenager I asked my mom whether my mom only loves me because I am her child. If I had been swapped by birth, would she have not loved her swapped child as she did to me and if she did not know I was her true child she would not love me unconditionally? My mum went silent. But many people go silent when I question something that people probably do not want to think about. I am good at discussions, debates, presentations. I do not like being good at discussions or debates. I can get the audience to explode in laughter or to go silent. I prefer the former, but the latter has a lesson to be learned. I know the silence cannot be because my presentation was boring or bad since I get very good grades on it. A professor at uni once told me that she found my presentation amazing but I have to be careful how I address humanity’s role in such “difficult” topics. I was presenting about forest set on flames in Indonesia because of actions caused by humans. I knew she was right and could already get a hunch that she would say that when she said “but…” I recognize such silence in an instance.

Sometimes it is silence created because I thoroughly looked at both sides of an argument. During my year abroad I took part at the northeast Asian student round table club because I wanted to improve my Japanese; the club activities were held in Japanese, but the conference was held in English. I was in the LGBTQ community; we were randomly selected into the communities. I was happy to be drawn into that one though because it was a topic that it is more positive and friendly to discuss at an international university and the more international community – people mostly say they are pro LGBTQ rights in North-East Asia (even if that is not truly the case; they do not want to stick out from what the mainstream say though). The other topics had a higher risk of causing heated discussions. Environment protection and something about security and America’s role in security for northeast Asian countries. The last topic I found boring to research; cultural preservation. I am getting off-topic. But it calmed me down ranting about other topics.

This time, I did not spell-check. I am tired and my eyes are slightly burning, but I want to add the rest of the reply.

These friends did not see my face, apart from the videos/pictures I have sent them. They loved my smile. People called out on my radiant smile. In the groups that I was in for the platform development, at first, my smile was not radiant, but they did not say, they said they sensed sadness and depression. As the groups continued they would say my smile getting more radiant and at the end said I showed the biggest cheer up and commitment. In other workshops, the person offering the workshop said he loved my smile and that I am so bright, then again I did these workshops in March/April. When I walk on the streets and I send people a smile on the street they smile back. It feels genuine, so I would have a hard time believing my smile gives away hidden anger, and to be honest, I took a picture of me smiling. When I look at it, I have to smile too.  If anything, then my anger probably shows through my writing, as you saw it, Anita. Does that make sense?

I hope I did not hurt anyone. Thanks for allowing me to express myself, even if it is not always direct. I will try again at the writing like a child another time. I do think, it is a good exercise.

Kibou