Dear Anita and TeaK,

Thank you for your replies, it means a lot.

She was happy about the outcome – more money for both of you – but she wasn’t particularly encouraging or praising your talent as a designer. I don’t know if this is true, but it occurred to me as a possibility.

Do you remember how your mother reacted when you were little and e.g. made a drawing and showed it to her? Or any similar little accomplishment – was she there to affirm it and be happy about it and praise you for it, or she didn’t really appreciate it much?

This makes sense actually. First, I couldn’t understand since I’ve always thought even when she was distant, she always wanted me to accomplish what would make me happy. She bought a computer for me when I didn’t have one, she wanted me to have my own room and decorate it/change it how I wanted to, with the little money she struggled to earn. She knew how to spend money for the ones that we love. So I’ve always seen her as a supporter of my dreams, vague dreams. I don’t mean that I had a dream but I had some visions, some stuff, or even some activities I wanted to enjoy. But back then, she also got angry because of me staying online for days, staring at the monitor for over 24 hours. She used to get up in the middle of the night, see me with the computer again, and rant about this as well. She was worried and she was like every other parent. However, she wasn’t with me all the time, so I had lots of time to spend with myself deciding on what I’ll do. She also saw me enjoying my time with the computer. I remember one time, it was again, the middle of the night. I was designing some stuff and it was really old, so it was like a game, I was just creating a page. And I was also listening to some stuff on my headphones and mildly dancing to it when designing. Suddenly she came and I saw her in a few seconds and then I got embarrassed and stopped. So she was able to see how I was enjoying my time for just a couple of seconds.

I guess your father wasn’t excited about your accomplishments either, because he was rather self-centered, if I understood well?

My father was always focused on what he thought that I should be doing, but then again, he knew that I wasn’t the best student. He just wanted me to pursue a career where I’ll be comfortable, and where I’ll be paid well. He is/was a good teacher, but not a good father actually. I remember the times when I used to go stay with him after their divorce and I had to prepare myself for minutes and minutes before I ask if I could use the computer. He used to make me do all the homework, all the extra work for my courses during those years. And since I wasn’t near comfortable communicating staying with him, I used to stay at my mom’s house most of the time.

About your boyfriend, well, try not to get attached to him and expect things that you know he cannot give you.

I guess it’s too late and now I have to work on this as well. The other day, he was in a crisis again, and another friend of his went to his home to help. Then we broke up for a couple of hours. I thought I could handle it, but then since I couldn’t say the words, he said them. He did it because he thought it was the best for me. However, after making it clear, I just couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle being abandoned again and I lost all my will to live, again. After a couple of hours me crying and being miserable, he wanted to spend the night together so I could be better. Then we did, and it was nice. Ever since we’ve been a bit better, it was only a week ago.

Dear Anita, I want to believe that I can get the will back as well. And I can feel it sometimes since I’m not stable in terms of emotions, I feel amazing at once and then I can be suffering, wanting to disappear. Even dying seems unendurable since it requires existing first. So I know that I can feel that will to live, that will to feel. But it only happens when I feel safe. And I cannot feel safe without him.

But when I feel safe, I feel like I can make everything work. In the past two weeks, I’ve started practising yoga every day. I was able to do it every single day with some flaws, but doing my best feels right. So that’s good news for my consistency problems.