Dear miyoid,

it’s interesting what you’ve described about your sleeping habits as a teenager – you’d often stay up till the middle of the night, working on the computer, having fun, and then your mother would suddenly wake up, burst into your room and scold you for staying up so late.

It’s kind of a reverse of what was happening when you were a baby – your mother would put you to sleep and leave, and then you’d wake up soon after and went looking for her. This tells me that as a baby or a young child, you didn’t have a deep, peaceful sleep, and it’s maybe because your mother was in a rush and didn’t want to spend too much time putting you to sleep, just wanted to get over with. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons you felt rejected? Because of that, maybe you were afraid that she’d abandon you? You couldn’t sleep peacefully, deeply, but were anxious, and this contributed to your waking up soon after she’d put you to sleep?

If so, going to sleep for you might have caused anxiety and fear that your mother would abandon you. Perhaps that’s why when you were older, you’d rather stay up late, so you don’t have to experience your mother “abandoning” you. You felt safe when your mother was sleeping in the next room – that’s when you could relax, feel good, be creative, and enjoy.

Now you say something similar about your boyfriend: when he’s there with you, you feel safe, and when you feel safe, “I feel like I can make everything work.” When he’s not there, you feel like “wanting to disappear”. As Anita said, it’s probably related to your mother who rejected you on some level (e.g. didn’t enjoy time spent with you), which you made you feel undesirable and not wanting to live.

When you were a teenager and your mother came to your room in the middle of the night, upset that you’re up so late, it was, as you say, a normal parental reaction. She was rightfully worried and upset, there was nothing controlling or abusive in her reaction. But this entire habit of yours of staying up late might have been caused by the early sense of abandonment that you felt when she would put you to sleep in a rush, not spending enough time with you, and not appearing like she’s enjoying the time spent with you.

Do you think this might be true and relevant for your separation anxiety?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.