Dear Ik09:

You posted in your various threads in May 2018, December 2018, April 2019, April 2020, April 2021 and a bit this month, May 2021: a total of 5+ months in three years (May  2018-May 2021).

This is what you shared about being alone and loneliness: “I always have had the fear of being left alone all my life… It originated long back due to some family members.. leaving me behind” (May 2018), “I have a very strong fear of being left alone in life… Ever since I was a kid.. I always felt lonely… I wanted one particular person just for me… I was very young.. I would sit and look at the sky.. missing my person… I feel lonelier when I see others happy and laughing together.. I crave for my own person… I had a weird habit as a kid, I used to pinch the tummy of the person who put me to sleep” (April 2021)-

– I think that you pinched the tummy of the person who put you to sleep so to make sure that you were not alone, that there was a person there: when you pinched the person’s tummy, the person made a sound, an ouch perhaps, and hearing that sound, you knew you were not alone.

“I spent most of my childhood alone, crying to my mother who then used to give me puzzles.. I used to be an outcast even in school” (April 2021).

As lonely as you felt, and as strongly as you needed and craved love with your “own person”, you were also afraid of getting emotionally and physically close to anyone. In a letter to your boyfriend at the time, you wrote: “I was full of fear.. I developed fear, that wanted to suppress my love for you” (April 2020). Later, you wrote: “I am still feeling fear in terms of letting people too close” (April 2021).

In a matter of five years or so, within 2 long-term relationships, you met one man only 6 times: “once a year or twice year.. 6 times in 3 years”, and you met the other only 3 times: “in Oct 2018, then Sept 2019, next time in February 2021”.  All together, you met your two long-term boyfriends only 9 times.

You are afraid to be with people in a group setting as well: “I have difficulty even enjoying myself in a group. I become awkward.. too serious” (April 2021).

As intensely as you craved your “own person”, when one of the two long-distance boyfriends told you that he wanted to marry you, you were not interested: “The guy I am dating.. wants to get married to me.. I, however, don’t want to rush things with him. I want both of us to know each other better and then think of anything further than dating” (April 2019).

You shared that your father didn’t want you when you were born, and your mother gave you away to her mother. At about 6 years old, you were returned to your parents’ home where they lived with your older sister: “my sister had got used to being the centre of attraction and she did not take me coming back well.. I was never welcome by her in the family. I used to copy her and so we often fought… She wanted people to revolve around her and talk to her and, about her” (April 2021)-

– you wrote above, “I used to copy her”: you copied your sister’s behavior: she tried to be the center of attraction and attention, and did you, not in exactly her way, nut in your own way, example: “I screamed and screamed. As if I was being killed. Kept hitting my head with my hands.. till my mum came and held both my hands. I pushed her away.. then my sister came and held my hands..”, and another time: “I was crying and on the floor.. I ran towards the terrace.. I started hitting the back of my head on the wooden swing.. Papa generally stays away but he got angry and hit me few times.. My brother kept sitting there.. he was afraid that I might try dying if he left. I kept crying till I stopped being able to breathe and heavy breathing started, they got scared and brought me water, and forced fed me water and then took me to bed and asked me to sleep”, etc. (April 2020)-

– your way was the histrionic way. A histrionic person has an overwhelming desire to be noticed, and often behave dramatically and theatrically so to get attention. Behaving histrionically, you got the attraction and attention of everyone in the household, they all attended to you: your father, your mother, your older sister and your younger brother, eight years younger.

You wrote to your  boyfriend at the time: “I know you want silence and peace”- not drama and theatrics. About your sister: “my sister.. says I am the one who seeks attention all the time”- you have sought attention histrionically (as well as by excelling academically), and your sister sought attention in her ways.

My final thoughts for this post: it is important that you no longer seek attention histrionically with anyone, and that in current and future friendships and relationships,  you seek attention in appropriate ways that will make healthy friendships and relationships possible. You will need to address, manage and heal from your (understandable) fear of getting close to people  emotionally and physically (being in their physical proximity). Best would be for you to attend counseling on the matter.

anita