Dear Javier:

There is very small chance that I, a stranger on the internet, can help you, just as there is a very small chance that I can help anyone in these forums. As a matter of fact, there is little I can do to help people irl, people in my personal life. It is amazing how little I can do when I want to do so much.

“I can see the pain in her eyes, I hated myself so much for ruining her life”- like you, I loved my mother so very much, more than anything and anyone. I too saw the pain in her eyes, and I felt so much pain, seeing her pain. I too believed that I ruined her life and hated myself for it. Many years later, I finally understood that I did not ruin her life. Other people in her life, when she was a child, ruined her life. Fast forward, she ruined mine. And then, I started healing and making my life better, and it is better.

Like I said, there is nothing really that I can do to help you. 24 hours ago you posted after waking up with a panic attack. I hope that tonight is different for you, I hope that tonight you sleep and stay asleep and wake up tomorrow morning with hope for a better day and a better life. If not, it you wake up panicking again and you are reading this, know that you are not alone in your suffering, you have a lot  of  company this very night. Be strong, best you can, for your own sake and for the rest of us: post again and share, share about your strength, about how you can and will make it to a better life.

anita