Hi Anita, Its been a while…ive had a week of feeling totally exhausted and weak. And it has passed by so quickly while i have too much to do and worry about. im dealing with a lot of mental stress as you can tell but i feel it is transferring to various physical complaints. In the last weeks i also heard a lot of my colleagues complaints about the same, its compounding in a ball of angry frustration.

Life has been much like a fight lately. Im trying to swim but im dragged down and hit again and again. Things seem to keep going wrong. Today i left work with a head swimming like id been in an actual fight….thats when i knew, im really sick from this, i really have to do something and stop sitting and pretending i can manage, hoping it will go away.

First i felt unwell, so i knew i had to survive a full day with a headache and sore throat, then my dog ran away on our walk and i spent most of an hour to get her back.

Then i had to go to the office and be around the fragile air of uncertainty that i have felt there more keenly recently. I know i keep repeating myself here but its almost like i dont believe what i already know is happening, like i need someone else to tell me…the family member is replacing the old team. This is a hostile takeover within the company while the boss pretends she doesnt know what the problem is and denies everything.

It may not be illegal but its still not ethical to take someones job anywhere in the world, so the alternative option is, if you make it so unpleasant that they leave….no one will raise an eyebrow and the victim wont have any support. Meanwhile since i started in sales i have had a very hard time with the work, it takes time but i also have years of experience and i know its a bad time right now. So money is incredibly tight and meanwhile my colleague, the family member, is thriving and making a lot of sales….Some of these sales i believe are due to him taking advantage unfairly…not all but definitely some.

So today, as with other days when i have had to be around him and other staff..he created a situation he knew would be uncomfortable for me. If i was a psychologist i could tell you exactly what he was up to but i dont have the words, i would call it “psychological bullying” because nothing happened and you can reason it away but it is intended to cause stress to a particular person, me.

We have a rota that means each person takes a day in the office. Today was my turn and within half an hour he turned up, in his usual behaviour of being very busy doing nothing. He started a conversation across the room with our new office assistant who replaced my old job, he hired her and they spend a lot more time together.  The way our office is laid out, this is very distracting for the person in my seat as you can´t concentrate. I knew it was leading up to some “moment” he had planned.

A short while later in walked an old colleague who had always got on very well with him, she acted very casually and said hi to all of us before sitting down with her back to me and had a rapid fire private, yet public conversation with him about something or other..I blocked it out as much as i could because im supposed to be working and obviously i was not included due to the conversation in their language and the way she was sitting, blocking me. If they speak to include me, they always switch to english as i cant follow everything which puts me at a disadvantage. I must also say, usually he goes in the other room to meet people but today he didnt. The reason that this is potentially upsetting is because my friend and colleague who has fought recently with him about various things, is away having a surgical procedure and the impression was very much that he was interviewing/bringing this old colleague back. Incidentally, while my colleague is away, he has allowed the other “new” staff member (his best friend) to work in her job temporarily. So now you can see why this is threatening to a number of us.

I always understood that this old colleague didnt want to come back to her old job but now im not so sure and they were very friendly in their meeting, chatting and laughing like good friends. I also got the impression she had visited before, as she waved hi and called the new assistant by name, you dont normally do that if you dont know them. I got on ok with this person but she was a cold energy, like him, driven for success and status..not open to empathic behaviour. She once told me for example, that she thought it was ok that one of her friends was dating a married man. Its totally different to how i feel. And yet…yet, i know she was cheated on and already had a child with that person. She quickly found another guy..a foreigner with a lot of money and seemingly little between the ears as she got pregnant immediately. The first days she joined us all i heard was her shouting down the phone at her partner. She is a no nonsense functional human being…basically pretty cold.

I felt very strongly that this was a show intended for me…to push me again, out of the company. Even the boss came out and was chatting with her very friendly and casually. I asked the boss afterwards what the meeting was about as he quickly left after that and she said she didnt know, all very light and innocent. But it certainly was not just a “hey, how are you doing” visit.

Again, i felt like i should speak to a lawyer. If they pressurise me (done), degrade my role (already done) sabotage my work (done), demean my work(done)or bully me into leaving (seemingly) then should i fight this? im no longer friendly and open…they got that out of me. I have nothing left to give the poor new colleagues as its just too much for me, another round of the same. But i want these family members to pay for the damage caused to my peace of mind.

Then, as if i wasnt already disturbed by that…later in the day the older business partner of my ex came to collect a key. He caught me in a moment of being flustered…and for some reason, i never could remember his face. He didnt start much of an introduction but just said he wanted the key to “nr….” so i was trying to find out what that was and when it dawned on me i was filled with humiliation. The keys had attached a fob from my company and i couldnt remove it so i just handed it to him and asked him who sold the house, to which he OF COURSE replied that it was the company of my ex´s new girlfriend..of course. We had it for sale also but my ex refused all the offers we got…i couldnt understand it. then when he told me who his girlfriend was, i realised why he made it harder for us.

This small moment has set me back at least a week of anger, tears and sadness. But mainly rage at my misfortune. I can´t explain to anyone how messy it is in my brain due to the cold hard cruelty of this Ex and my boss..the two of them working overtime to try and totally destroy my mental peace. that is what it feels like because it doesnt seem to stop!?

So i was glad for him to take the key away…but why did he come on my day? As he left he also said something strange, ” ill see you soon”. Not something you say to someone who you KNOW had been treated badly by your business colleague that you are UNLIKELY to see again, not something you mistakenly say to someone you NEVER see otherwise? what?

Im left confused and more angry again. I thought about sending a nasty text to my ex to say why he would never see me again but i stopped myself…but every time this happens, when i see him somewhere or some car of her company goes past, im reminded of my misfortune and failure. I feel i need to leave, go somewhere where no one knows me. And where i can get away from the pain caused.

When i was younger i had some serious depressions, after one boss was putting me under enormous pressure i had a nervous breakdown. I felt suicidal. Recently when i took time off work, it was because i felt that familiar feeling of losing my mind and a shaking feeling that meant i had to stop CARING about the work.  A friend shouted down the phone i was heading into a depression and i was angry back but knowing he was right. There are people who dont understand why its a big deal, why cant you have a beer and just let go? for others they understand, i want to do a good job..respect means a lot to me. So to have that torn away from you is cruel. To get demeaning comments is cruel. To downsize or demean your role is cruel after loyal and continued support and commitment. I broke down to a doctor and she wrote a note for me but i didnt want anything to go on record…due to my last stigmatized experience. Instead, my body broke down and i suffered the back problem which basically “solved” the problem. You see how it works?

This is almost criminal to me. They have plenty of money. But their older staff are worth nothing to them. Shameful. I have had such hateful feelings, wanting to destroy things..then all i can turn to is karma. Hoping to teach them a lesson.