Dear Ishita:

It is fine for you to not talk about what you don’t want to talk about, and it would be wrong of me now or in the future, to pressure you to talk about anything you feel uncomfortable talking about.

The last sentence of your recent post is: “I know this shouldn’t take this long to let go”. By “this” you mean a breakup of a relationship of sorts with the guy, X.  Perhaps statistically you are correct, comparing how long it is taking you to how long it takes most women your age to let go of a guy. But for me, “this”, the thing that you are trying to let go of, is much greater than a guy.

Before X (and after X), you saw yourself as an extremely anxious person who is difficult to understand, and who screws up: “I have always felt that I am someone who is an extremely anxious person and I feel I am difficult person… people wouldn’t exactly understand.. what makes me the person I am… always fears screwing something up”. Let’s call this the old way of seeing yourself.

In the beginning of the relationship with X, you saw yourself in a new way, as someone who is calmer (less anxious), not difficult to understand, and who does not screw up: “making me feel (at least initially) as if I am not a difficult person to hang on to.. I had started feeling less anxious in the initial months”.

After X, you are back to seeing yourself the old way, and it is very difficult for you to let go of seeing yourself in the new way. “I thought he’ll be my strength”- you felt weak when you saw yourself the old way, and strong to see yourself in the new way.

Thing is, Ishita, you were (very early in life) and can be again the person you wish to be without X: calmer, easier to understand, not inclined to screw up. You can feel stronger and you can trust yourself. Once you understand this, and become the person you wish to be, you will easily let go of X.

“And this is the main reason why I am having a hard time letting go because I just realised that it was never about me, all the time I had been trying to open up to him, thinking that he is getting me, he was just tying to enjoy all the attention”-

– I understand the pain involved in this realisation. But if you put his true motivation aside, you can make your life be about you, you can be who you wish to be (with some work and practice).

There is no magic that will suddenly transform you to the calmer, strong, etc. person you want to be. Even if X turned out to be everything you hoped he was, you would still end up being the extremely anxious etc., sooner or later. Other people don’t fix us, they can’t magically transform us.

You wrote about a former best friend, “She was my go to  person for everything and till date I haven’t found anyone else in my life, with whom I could share everything the way I used to with her”-

– in the context of this public forum, maybe I can be someone you can go to for.. more (if not for “everything”), someone who can understand you..?

anita