Dear Javier,

I am glad you posted. It’s better to express yourself, even if all you feel is pain. It’s hard for you, I know. But you know what I noticed as a positive moment in this recent experience of yours? That you could gather some strength to walk. Because it was only recently that you couldn’t even make 2 steps. Now you could walk for a while. I see that as progress, and something to be grateful for. It was one bright thing in the darkness and despair that you felt.

I know it can’t bring back your smile, but it’s still a big thing. Try to see it as something positive. And next time you walk, try to walk some more, only not up the suicide hill, but to the opposite direction, to the Tree of Life. Is there’s something that symbolizes New Life for you? Is there a place that makes you feel good? If there’s such a place in your vicinity, go there, walk there if you can. Would you be up for something like that?

As for having a bipolar or borderline personality disorder, what makes you think that? Bipolar is characterized by alternating episodes of mania and depression. For borderline, I know that those who suffer from it can have very black-and-white thinking, sort of “If you’re not with me, you’re against me”, they make enemies easily, and can be paranoid too.

When you say suicide watch – how does it look like? Do you mean they might keep you in hospital and force you to take antidepressants?