Dear Umm:

You and your current boyfriend talked for a few months, and then proceeded to date. In the beginning of the dating relationship everything seemed fine. Next, there were some arguments, and recently- a lot more arguments. He initiates the arguments and the topics are your friends, your male co-workers and your exes. He is in the habit of digging into your past, bugging you about what he thinks that you did wrong. For example: you talked about a female friend who didn’t treat you well, and his response: he sent you a photo of your ex-boyfriend who cheated on you in a past relationship. If I understand correctly (?), you talked to that ex for a few years after he cheated and after the relationship ended, but haven’t talked to him for years since. Your current boyfriend brought him up because he was troubled about you having talked to the ex after he cheated on you. He wanted “to show you what a toxic person is”.

“I’m confused.. I told him, past is past, and he wasn’t there, I cannot change what I did in the past”- he is troubled about his past, about his own inability to change what happened in his past. When he told you that he wanted to show you what a toxic person is, he was probably troubled by a toxic person in his past, a person who may still be in his  life presently.

If you see this as a possibility, bring it up to him: ask him if he is angry at someone toxic in his life, projecting his anger onto you, overthinking your past because he is still troubled by his past (use your own words). If he insists that he is not projecting anything onto you, and that it is You who is The Problem- then my answer to your question: “is it worth (it)?, is No. If he is open to consider what you suggest to him, then maybe it is worth it.

Feel free to post again, and if you choose to have a conversation with him like the one I suggested right above, after the conversation- you can share here about how it went, and I will be glad to reply to you further.

anita