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is it worth?

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  • #380112
    Umm
    Participant

    I would greatly appreciated all the feedback from everyone in advance.

    I’m currently dating this guy for almost a year. Everything seems fine in the beginning, as everyone always says it is like honeymoon stage. We were talking for few months before we started our relationship. But it’s just recently, we started to get into arguments a lot more about nonsense things, from my friends who talked or joked bad about him to about my exes or even male coworkers I hung out with in the past for lunches, he got really sensitive.

    Very recently, we were talking about how my female friend did not treat me well, and all sudden, he brought up my ex’s photo and sent it to me. I asked him why are you digging my past again?” he said “I just want to show you what a toxic person is” because he knew my ex cheated on me before, and wondered why I would continue to talk to him after few years later. he claimed he found my ex’s photo by clicking on his name (when he used to like my photos/posts), and my ex has nothing to do with this, and I stopped talking to my exes years ago. For some reasons, he is always wondering what my exes look like, and says he knows his worth.

    He said his past relationship with his ex-girlfriend was very toxic, as in going to his social medias and told him to delete any girls that she did not like. I am not sure if because of his toxic past, it affects him and he brings it up on me in this relationship.

    up to this point, I’m confused. I do love this guy, but he constantly bugging me on my back about what I did wrong in my past. I told him, past is past, and he wasn’t there, I cannot change what I did in the past.

    #380164
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Umm,

    it appears your boyfriend is very insecure of himself. For one, he’s easily offended by what people say about him, and even more that that, he’s bringing up your ex-boyfriends and male colleagues you used to hang out with in the past. He seems to resent you for having been in those relationships or friendships. He’s jealous of those men, and compares himself with them, because he’s insecure of himself. When he says “he knows his worth”, I guess deep down he has a very low self-esteem.

    He said his past relationship with his ex-girlfriend was very toxic, as in going to his social medias and told him to delete any girls that she did not like. I am not sure if because of his toxic past, it affects him and he brings it up on me in this relationship.

    His ex-girlfriend seems to be even more controlling than he is, but unfortunately his behavior doesn’t seem to be very far from hers. I don’t think she is the reason for his present-day behavior. Rather, it would be his personality and his own unresolved  issues. But the point is that his behavior is toxic too, and unless he changes, I’d say it’s not worth it.

     

    #380166
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Umm:

    You and your current boyfriend talked for a few months, and then proceeded to date. In the beginning of the dating relationship everything seemed fine. Next, there were some arguments, and recently- a lot more arguments. He initiates the arguments and the topics are your friends, your male co-workers and your exes. He is in the habit of digging into your past, bugging you about what he thinks that you did wrong. For example: you talked about a female friend who didn’t treat you well, and his response: he sent you a photo of your ex-boyfriend who cheated on you in a past relationship. If I understand correctly (?), you talked to that ex for a few years after he cheated and after the relationship ended, but haven’t talked to him for years since. Your current boyfriend brought him up because he was troubled about you having talked to the ex after he cheated on you. He wanted “to show you what a toxic person is”.

    “I’m confused.. I told him, past is past, and he wasn’t there, I cannot change what I did in the past”- he is troubled about his past, about his own inability to change what happened in his past. When he told you that he wanted to show you what a toxic person is, he was probably troubled by a toxic person in his past, a person who may still be in his  life presently.

    If you see this as a possibility, bring it up to him: ask him if he is angry at someone toxic in his life, projecting his anger onto you, overthinking your past because he is still troubled by his past (use your own words). If he insists that he is not projecting anything onto you, and that it is You who is The Problem- then my answer to your question: “is it worth (it)?, is No. If he is open to consider what you suggest to him, then maybe it is worth it.

    Feel free to post again, and if you choose to have a conversation with him like the one I suggested right above, after the conversation- you can share here about how it went, and I will be glad to reply to you further.

    anita

    #380168
    Umm
    Participant

    Hello Teak and Anita, thank you for your replies. Greatly appreciated that. It’s very helpful for my confusion mind at the moment.

    I really want to work this relationship out, and want it to be more improvement. but until now, I’m not sure how to take it further.

    Yes, Anita, you understood correctly about we were talking about my female friend did not treat me well, but he brought up my ex’s photo instead, out of nowhere, and wanted to share with me that these are examples of toxic people. he asked for my ex’s first and last name a day before, and I thought it was just casual, nothing special. He questioned me about what I’ve done, when I stopped talk to my ex, etc. I told him “I cannot remember as it happened ages ago”. but following day, he went on my ex’s social media, and saw one of his photos that I clicked on “like” and some of other photos I clicked on “love” icon, and he kept repeating that line “this guy cheated on me,” why I still talked to him few years after broke up. I seriously cannot remember the day/time/year that I stopped talking to someone, so he accused me for not telling him the truth. My ex and I decided to become friends again after few years we broke up. I forgave my ex, for what he did, but my ex is already married and we stopped talking to each other years ago.

    I brought this up before with him whether if he is angry at someone toxic in his life, he refused and said no. He also shared he knows his ex blocked him, I assume here, he was looking for her profile, but didn’t see it. I wonder if he still loves his ex. For some reasons, now I end up feeling I am a back-up person in this relationship, after all the small arguments. I really feel like I’m in the middle of their unsolved case even though they’re no longer together.

    Thank you for your listening and giving advice.

     

    #380169
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Umm:

    You are welcome. I don’t have Facebook or the like, so I am not familiar with how it works. You wrote that he went  on your (married) ex’s social media and saw one of your ex’s photos that you clicked on “like”, and some that you “clicked  on ‘love’ icon”- I don’t understand: did you attach a love icon to your ex’s photo years ago, before he got married and way before you were in a relationship with your boyfriend?

    anita

    #380170
    Umm
    Participant

    Hello Anita, thank you for your quick reply. Most of those “love” icon are on my ex’s photo with his wife. and this happened way before I met my boyfriend. hope it answers your question. But my boyfriend got jealous over that too. I don’t know why.

    #380171
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Umm:

    I would have considered some of your boyfriend’s distress as valid if you clicked on love icons on photos of your ex-boyfriend (photos of him alone) knowing that he is married to another woman, and/ or while in the relationship with your current boyfriend).

    But if this is not the case: no love icons on your ex-boyfriend’s photos since you’ve been in a relationship with your current boyfriend, and previous icons were clicked on photos of your ex and his wife, then his distress is not about your past but about his own.

    “he asked for my ex’s first and last name a day before, and I thought it was just casual”- do you remember how it came about that he asked for your ex’s name: was there a talk about your ex that preceded his request?

    anita

    #380172
    Umm
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    We were talking about the restaurant’s name, and my ex’s name was a part of one restaurant names here, so that’s why he asked. I’m not sure what his intention was, with the whole points of talking about restaurant’s name and then my ex’s name.

    I was friended with my ex again, 3-4 years ago before I met my current boyfriend, and I unfriended him when I started dating my boyfriend. Therefore, any likes/ or loves icon from the past, I feel, it has nothing to do with my current one, to make him jealous over it.

    #380173
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Umm:

    From my experience and my understanding, your boyfriend is emotionally wounded and is in pain. Every time he asks you questions about your exes, he is trying (although ineffectively) to free himself from his pain. It is as if, in his mind, the “correct” answer by you, will free him from his pain.

    Asking you questions about your past, may have become his habit, maybe an obsession. If I am correct, then what happens is that every so often, triggered by this or that (be it a name of a restaurant or your use of a particular word in the story about the friend who mistreated you), he feels something like a mental itch that he .. just has to scratch, so to speak, by asking you yet another question. You answer him, he finds a relief from the itch, at best, but it is only a matter of time before he feels the itch again, and he just has to ask you another question (or spy on your/ your exes’ social media accounts).

    Again, if I am correct, then he feels that there is something wrong with his behavior and he tries to not ask you question, spending a lot of time troubled but keeping silent.. until he gets especially triggered, the itch is too strong and he rushes to scratch it by either asking you yet another question and/ or spying on social media accounts.

    This might have been his behavior with his ex-girlfriend as well, spying on her social media account, and that’s why she blocked him (“his ex blocked him”).

    You wrote earlier: “I wonder if he still loves his ex.. now I end up feeling I am a back-up person in this relationship.. like I’m in the middle of their unresolved case”-

    – if what I suggested so far is true enough, then his pain, his emotional wound was not formed as a result of his previous relationship, but way back in his childhood. His pain is not an indication that he loved his ex-girlfriend more than he loved you. It is an indication that when he feels emotionally attached to a woman, the injury opens up, and he feels the pain.

    Does this make sense to you, and do you  know anything about his childhood?

    anita

    #380174
    Umm
    Participant

    hello Anita,

    Good perspective. I don’t know much about his childhood, but he told me when he was younger, he took bus to school, or walk to school by himself, without his parents. His dad in fact, took care of his older sister a bit more, just because she is a girl in the family.

    After he shared that he went on my ex’s social medias and checked out, and said, he will not do it anymore and only view whatever I show him from now on, instead of him stalking on my social media.

    the problem about him is he doesn’t want to admit that he is insecure of anything. He got angry and cut me short the other day, when he thought I complimented him, just because so I want him to feel better about himself. He told me, don’t compare him with anyone, that’s all he asked from me, he doesn’t want me to compliment on him. But it isn’t in my intention of compare anyone.

    It’s just hard to talk to him about things nowadays because he gets sensitive easily by things I say. When I want to be straightforward, he will get upset and defend himself and it triggers another argument.

    but if I am not too straightforward, he will say he doesn’t appreciate that I go around the circle with what I want to say to him, or hiding or adding things to make it sounds better so he likes it.

    #380176
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Umm:

    “His dad in fact, took care of his older sister a bit more”- I wonder if his tone of voice and facial expression was different than usual when he told you that.

    No doubt that when he was a child, he loved his father very much. If his father favored his sister, I bet he was upset by it, trying to get his father’s attention/ trying to successfully compete with his sister for his father’s attention. Having failed at it again and again is enough to create an emotional wound in a child. Fast forward, a girlfriend’s exes are also a competition, in his mind.

    True, your exes are in your past, but because of his significant emotional injury, he can’t tell the difference between the past and the present: he is re-experiencing the past in the present circumstances of his life.

    “After he shared that he went on my ex’s social medias.. he said, he will not do it anymore”- like I suggested, he feels badly about his behavior, he knows it’s wrong. Problem is that when the itch increases, his need to scratch the itch also increases by going back to social media.

    When you complimented him the other day, wanting him to feel better, it didn’t work because your compliment triggered his emotional wound and caused him hurt and anger. Like I suggested above, he is re-experiencing the past (the hurt and anger) in the circumstances of the present (you complimenting him).

    “he gets sensitive easily by things I say.. he will get upset.. and it triggers another argument”- his emotional injury is big, widespread, so it often gets triggered by what you/ people say. Seems to me that he needs at least a few good months of counseling/ psychotherapy, to start healing from his emotional injury. I am certain that you cannot be his therapist, or otherwise start him on a healing process. It takes a professional who is capable of being objective (a girlfriend, even if she is a therapist, cannot be objective and therefore, she cannot be her boyfriend’s therapist).

    anita

    #380177
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Umm,

    he seems very insecure and conflicted. He says “don’t compare me to anyone”, and yet he’s wondering how your exes look like. If you’re straightforward with him, he gets upset and it leads to an argument, but if you try to be a little more diplomatic, he doesn’t like that either. It’s like nothing you do or say is good enough for him. He’ll always have a reason to complain or be upset.

    It seems he’s carrying a lot of emotional baggage, and is not an easy person to be with. How does it make you feel when he gets upset and starts accusing you of “liking” your ex’s old photos? Or when you compliment him and he cuts you off?

    #380179
    Umm
    Participant

    Thank you TeaK and Anita. these answers are greatly contributions to my decision.

    He believes that if he is too nice to a girl, the girl will start to lose respect/ interest on him. He said this because he has experienced from seeing his friends (got cheated on, dumped,etc… just because they’re nice guys). I told him that there will be someone out there who will appreciate the person’s kindness, not all will lose that respect or take advantage of the kindness he offers. But I know, in his mind, he thinks being nice is wrong thing to do.

    It seems whatever he sets to believe in, he will keep believing in it and says it’s reality.

    TeaK, I get angry and upset when we argue over small things like this. it doesn’t go anywhere, and there are just so much more important things out there to be worried. But I know I cannot change his thinking, and I don’t have that power to do it, and I know I won’t. Sometimes, I just don’t know whether it’s my fault, or things I say, to make him feel this way. I’ve been trying to assure him that I love him, and I guess it isn’t enough for him to let go of his insecurity.

    #380180
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Umm:

    Because of double posting, I don’t know if you read my last post to you, the one that starts with “his dad..”? It will help me if you address me individually in your replies- that way I  will know how you reply to my individual input.

    anita

    #380181
    Umm
    Participant

    I am sorry about that, anita. I will keep it in mind.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 33 total)

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