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is it worth?

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  • #380420
    Umm
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    This is very helpful. Actually, those questions will be awaken for me, as I always try to close that thoughts and not really facing the reality.

    As for my childhood, when I was younger, my mother always controlled me. She never really let me to do things or explode things out of there. She always held me tightly and afraid I would choose a wrong step. She even asked me to attend same college as my sister, but I didn’t like that idea, so I ended up not doing so well on the test, so I could end up in a community college instead. As a rebelling I can be, I want to break free from it. I feel more freedom when she is not around, I do love her, but it’s hard to control the “being scared image of myself” when I am with her.

    I guess, I have to come to the point that I need to learn how to be strong for myself. Maybe when one looks into this, they will start thinking I don’t love myself enough, and I keep putting others in front of me, regardless of my feeling, which is true. How can I break free from this? this is actually one of my weaknesses, and I’m still in a learning process. People around me, when I share these stories with them, they are not really listening, and they don’t give the advice; in fact, they think I’m annoying, and I should be able to move on myself.

    But it isn’t easy. Any advice greatly appreciated. Thank you.

    #380427
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Umm,

    I am glad this is helpful and you want to go deeper, to the core of the problem.

    It appears your mother is strict and controlling (like mine πŸ™‚ ), constantly worried about you and not having faith in you. Does she criticize you often too? If so, you’ve probably grown up with the feeling of not being good enough, and “there’s something terribly wrong with me”.Β  You also probably think you’re unlovable and don’t deserve love. That’s why you allow people to mistreat you – because deep down, you believe you don’t deserve better.

    You’re attracted to people who are problematic and are trying to “save” them, so you could finally get the love you crave for. Those people are a little like your mother – critical of you, trying to control you (like your boyfriend), and not really giving you the love you deserve. But you’re hoping that some day, they will change and will finally love you as you’d want them to. It’s almost like trying to make your mother love you, only now it’s not your mother but your boyfriend. But the dynamic is similar.

    How do you break free from it? First, by recognizing that you’re running this pattern, and that there’s a wounded child inside of you who is still chasing your mother’s love. Then to give love to your inner child, to make her feel loved and appreciated. This will re-write the false imprint that you’re not good enough and that you don’t deserve love.

    It’s not an overnight process, but it starts with a realization that there’s an unmet need in you (for love) that you need to fulfill by loving yourself, not by expecting others to fill it. Once you do that, your relationships will change too…

     

    #380571
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Umm:

    You wrote regarding “it” being the relationship with your bad-tempered boyfriend: “I really want to give it another chance toΒ  see how it is”, and in regard to your mother: “She never really let me do things or explore.. always held me tightly and afraid I would choose a wrong step.. rebelling I can be”-

    – I am guessing you are exploring at this time (?), giving this relationship another chance, rebelling perhaps against my motherly advice to .. not give it another chance.

    If this is the case, then it’s okay, we can still communicate if you would like: you asked earlier how to deal with his bad-temperedness, do you still want advice on the topic?

    anita

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