is it worth?

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This topic has 32 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

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May 21, 2021 at 12:35 pm #380182

Umm
Participant

Hello Anita, he loves his family very much, he’s a family oriented person type, no doubt on that. But he told me he never gets jealous about his father’s caring and love for his sister. His facial expression and tone, when he told me that, it was speechless, kind plain tone of voice, but depression or needing for attention was a bit in that tone.

He has this big ego and pride in himself, I know if I suggest counseling for himself, he will refuse me, and he always claims there is nothing wrong with him. He will get irritated or angry if I suggest that.

May 21, 2021 at 12:35 pm #380183

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Umm:

No need to apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t answer my question though regarding reading my previous post?

anita

May 21, 2021 at 12:47 pm #380184

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Umm:

A second double posting. Sometimes original posters and members who reply miss posts that are submitted at the same time or very close together, so be aware.

“he told me he never gets jealous about his father’s caring and love for his sister”- doesn’t mean he is not jealous. Let’s say as a child, he expressed jealously and any one of his parents told him that it’s not nice to be jealous at one own sister, so wanting to be a good boy, he denied his jealousy to himself, pushing it out of his full awareness.

When he told you that his father took care of his sister a bit more, he said it in a “kind plain tone of voice, but depression or needing for attention was a bit in that tone”- reads to me that he has been indeed jealous, and understandably so, being that as a boy he loved his father very much and wanted more attention than what he got.

It is not promising to the relationship with him that he is not open to attend therapy. No therapy= problems will remain the same.

anita

May 21, 2021 at 1:26 pm #380186

Tee
Participant

Dear Umm,

Sometimes, I just don’t know whether it’s my fault, or things I say, to make him feel this way. I’ve been trying to assure him that I love him, and I guess it isn’t enough for him to let go of his insecurity.

It’s not your fault, it’s his insecurity and lack of self-esteem that make him react like that. And no amount of your love and reassurance can heal his insecurity – only he can do that, if he’d be willing to work on it in therapy.

Can you accept that it’s not your fault? Or there’s a part of your that still believes that you might have contributed to it? Sorry for probing, but I think it’s very important that you’re clear about it, not just for your relationship with him but for your other relationships too (you mentioned a female friend treated you badly, so I wonder if there’s a similarity there? Not suggesting there is, just that you be clear on it).

May 21, 2021 at 3:45 pm #380193

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Umm:

What you brought up today is not an issue that is likely to resolve today or any time soon. I would like to let you know that there is no time-limit to posting here. Some members start one or several threads and post for many months and even years. Just the other day I communicated with a member who has been posting since 2014. So, if you would like, take your time, and post whenever you feel the need. You can communicate with any one or all members who reply to you over time, no rush.

anita

May 25, 2021 at 7:17 am #380394

Umm
Participant

Dear TeaK,

I’m sorry for not replying, I was busy with life and work.

That’s okay to ask such questions, it’s no problem. I’m always an empathy in any of my relationships, whether it’s friendship or romantic. I always have an urge of helping people, and stay put, it doesn’t matter of any mistreats from others to me. Maybe I’m not strong enough to let things go., and to be honest, I dislike that sometimes about myself.

I used to have a friend who is depressed, and he led me on with his depression life for years, and finally, I broke it off and let go completely because I was very tired and felt toxic in the whole situation with him. He was acting cold and hot whenever he felt like it. But there was a point in time, I finally gave up, mainly because he lied to me about who he really is as a person, and that triggered me of finally letting it go. People around me, could see a bigger picture of that, but I couldn’t. I just didn’t want to let go of this friend.

That female friend, I assumed, she took advantage of my kindness, and treated me however she wanted to treat me. I honestly don’t have any lucks when it comes to friendship neither. When I have a friend, I will fully put my heart and effort in loving and wanting to spend times with that person.

I saw my boyfriend again last Friday. he was acting very cold toward me, and I didn’t like that feeling, but again, I didn’t feel like I did anything wrong to him, just because he got upset with me about my “liking my ex’s photos before I met him.” I just feel it isn’t fair to me, when he brings up my pasts, and points out things I did wrong. Everyone makes mistakes in life.

May 25, 2021 at 7:18 am #380395

Umm
Participant

Dear Anita,

Absolutely understand about that. Thanks for the welcoming! I was busy with work and life over weekend, so I didn’t get a chance to reply.

May 25, 2021 at 7:58 am #380398

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Umm:

You are welcome. The question in the title of your thread is: “is it worth?”, meaning is this relationship worth staying in. The answer to your question may be in your original post: “Very recently, we were talking about how my female friend did not treat me well, and all sudden, he brought up my ex’s photo and sent it to me. I asked him why are you digging my past again?’ he said ‘I just want to show you what a toxic person is”-

– you told him that your female friend mistreated you and his reaction was to mistreat you himself by sending you the photo of your ex, knowing that it will distress you that he is digging into your past yet again.

He told you that he wanted to show you “what a toxic person is”, meaning your ex. But what if he showed you right there and then that he is a toxic person.

anita

May 25, 2021 at 8:16 am #380400
Umm
Participant
Dear Anita,

Thank you for opening my mind again. I remember, I had a male friend whom I never met before in person. When my boyfriend and I first started talking and getting to know each other as friends, I told him how much I wanted to go to another country as a visit, and I guess I was naïve at the time, so I shared that if I went there, I would meet up with one of my male friends that I talked over the years through online. The boyfriend at the time, I guess, he knew he wasn’t my boyfriend yet, so he couldn’t have a say in all this. but until very recently, when we went on the trip, he brought up about “that male friend” again, and wanted to see his photo, so I showed it to him. He got really upset and told me to delete him off my list because he claimed I’ve never met that male friend in person, why did it even consider as friendship?” I feel like his ex did it to him, and since, I only listened to one side story, now think about it, I’m not too sure whether it was him being toxic or she was.

I told him, I’ve been friends with many, and many over the years through online, and I believe with my judgement, that these people are not harmful in any ways.

I also recently released myself from a toxic friendship for more than a year now, and I would dislike myself to end up with another one, who is in a crazier situation.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Umm.
May 25, 2021 at 8:25 am #380402

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Umm:

You are welcome. Your boyfriend reads like trouble.

“I feel like his ex did it to him… I’m not too sure whether it was him being toxic or she was”- maybe she was toxic in his life, but because you have a relationship with him, and not with her, he may be the one who is toxic in your life.

anita

May 25, 2021 at 8:32 am #380403

Umm
Participant

Dear Anita:

Thank you for your quick reply.

Yes, he told me he was very relieved when he broke up with her due to the distance, and there was no future plans of moving in between them, so he let her go.

Another thing about him is what I’m kind afraid of: his bad-tempered, he gets irritated easily, his parents also shared with me that he has a bad-tempered, but try to let him cool down, when he’s cool, he’s fine. How can I deal with someone who can be irritated like that?

May 25, 2021 at 8:44 am #380404

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Umm:

We can continue to communicate back and forth for quite some time, if you want to, so keep posting as long as you see a point to it. About his bad temper, you asked: “How can I deal with someone who can be irritated like that?”- my answer: I would have suggestions for you to deal with a person with a bad temper if you had to be around such a person (in the workplace, for example), but because you don’t have to be around this guy, better stay away from him altogether.

anita

May 25, 2021 at 9:14 am #380406
Umm
Participant
Dear Anita:

Maybe I’m not too strong enough to let go. I really want to give it another chance to see how it is. I know, this may be sound annoying to you. I do take TeaK ‘s and your suggestions very carefully, but is it that impossible to being with someone who has a bad temper? I always believe in giving people chances.

Of course, besides from his bad-temper, he is a caring and thoughtful guy. My family likes him very much. I would love to learn different ways how to deal with someone who has a bad temper.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Umm.
May 25, 2021 at 9:33 am #380409

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Umm:

Don’t worry about annoying me. I am not likely to get annoyed with you anytime soon: you have my commitment of not getting annoyed with you for at least as long as.. December this year.

“is that impossible to being with someone who has a bad temper?”- It is not impossible. But you pay the price for this possibility: harm to your mental and physical health.

“I always believe in giving people chances”- I know you mean giving him chances to treat you better, but what if you are giving him chances to hurt you more?

“besides from his bad-temper, he is a caring and thoughtful guy. My family likes him very much”- did he lose his temper with your family? If not, their liking of him is based on inadequate evidence.

His caring and thoughtful behaviors- do these behaviors make the times he loses his temper more painful?

“I would love to learn different ways how to deal with someone who has a bad temper”- think of bad temper as being fire, you can figure: if I place my hand in the fire for only a second at a time, it will burn for just a tiny bit, or you can put out the fire and walk away.

anita

May 25, 2021 at 10:06 am #380419

Tee
Participant

Dear Umm,

thanks for replying, I am glad you didn’t mind those questions.

It seems there might be a pattern in your relationships, either romantic or friendships, where you tolerate and don’t want to let go of the person who doesn’t treat you well:

I always have an urge of helping people, and stay put, it doesn’t matter of any mistreats from others to me. Maybe I’m not strong enough to let things go., and to be honest, I dislike that sometimes about myself.

People around me, could see a bigger picture of that, but I couldn’t. I just didn’t want to let go of this friend.

When I have a friend, I will fully put my heart and effort in loving and wanting to spend times with that person.

You give them your love and attention, you’re kind to them, even if the person might be “hot and cold whenever they feel like it”, or “treat you however they want to treat you”. You’re accepting their bad treatment for a long time, being there whenever they need you, and not protesting even if they hurt you. Perhaps you excuse their bad behavior, telling yourself that they’re wounded (like your depressed male friend), or that they might have been hurt before, like your boyfriend.

You say you have an urge to help people. That’s nice, but it seems to me that you’re trying to help difficult, wounded people, people who have a hard time loving and returning your love. But you still stay put, giving them one more chance, hoping that some day, they’d change and love you back the way you’d want them to.

Now you ask about your boyfriend: but is it that impossible to being with someone who has a bad temper? I always believe in giving people chances.

You want to give another chance to a very difficult person, who is jealous and insecure, who has bad temper, who wants to control you – in short, who cannot love you truly, maturely, the way you’d want to be loved. But you still want it… I believe it’s related to your childhood, and the way you were loved (or failed to be loved) as a child. Would you say it’s true? Is there a similarity?
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