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Umm

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  • #380420
    Umm
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    This is very helpful. Actually, those questions will be awaken for me, as I always try to close that thoughts and not really facing the reality.

    As for my childhood, when I was younger, my mother always controlled me. She never really let me to do things or explode things out of there. She always held me tightly and afraid I would choose a wrong step. She even asked me to attend same college as my sister, but I didn’t like that idea, so I ended up not doing so well on the test, so I could end up in a community college instead. As a rebelling I can be, I want to break free from it. I feel more freedom when she is not around, I do love her, but it’s hard to control the “being scared image of myself” when I am with her.

    I guess, I have to come to the point that I need to learn how to be strong for myself. Maybe when one looks into this, they will start thinking I don’t love myself enough, and I keep putting others in front of me, regardless of my feeling, which is true. How can I break free from this? this is actually one of my weaknesses, and I’m still in a learning process. People around me, when I share these stories with them, they are not really listening, and they don’t give the advice; in fact, they think I’m annoying, and I should be able to move on myself.

    But it isn’t easy. Any advice greatly appreciated. Thank you.

    #380406
    Umm
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    Maybe I’m not too strong enough to let go. I really want to give it another chance to see how it is. I know, this may be sound annoying to you. I do take TeaK ‘s and your suggestions very carefully, but is it that impossible to being with someone who has a bad temper? I always believe in giving people chances.

    Of course, besides from his bad-temper, he is a caring and thoughtful guy. My family likes him very much. I would love to learn different ways how to deal with someone who has a bad temper.

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by Umm.
    #380403
    Umm
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    Thank you for your quick reply.

    Yes, he told me he was very relieved when he broke up with her due to the distance, and there was no future plans of moving in between them, so he let her go.

    Another thing about him is what I’m kind afraid of: his bad-tempered, he gets irritated easily, his parents also shared with me that he has a bad-tempered, but try to let him cool down, when he’s cool, he’s fine. How can I deal with someone who can be irritated like that?

    #380400
    Umm
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for opening my mind again. I remember, I had a male friend whom I never met before in person. When my boyfriend and I first started talking and getting to know each other as friends, I told him how much I wanted to go to another country as a visit, and I guess I was naïve at the time, so I shared that if I went there, I would meet up with one of my male friends that I talked over the years through online. The boyfriend at the time, I guess, he knew he wasn’t my boyfriend yet, so he couldn’t have a say in all this. but until very recently, when we went on the trip, he brought up about “that male friend” again, and wanted to see his photo, so I showed it to him. He got really upset and told me to delete him off my list because he claimed I’ve never met that male friend in person, why did it even consider as friendship?” I feel like his ex did it to him, and since, I only listened to one side story, now think about it, I’m not too sure whether it was him being toxic or she was.

    I told him, I’ve been friends with many, and many over the years through online, and I believe with my judgement, that these people are not harmful in any ways.

    I also recently released myself from a toxic friendship for more than a year now, and I would dislike myself to end up with another one, who is in a crazier situation.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by Umm.
    #380395
    Umm
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Absolutely understand about that. Thanks for the welcoming! I was busy with work and life over weekend, so I didn’t get a chance to reply.

    #380394
    Umm
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    I’m sorry for not replying, I was busy with life and work.

    That’s okay to ask such questions, it’s no problem. I’m always an empathy in any of my relationships, whether it’s friendship or romantic. I always have an urge of helping people, and stay put, it doesn’t matter of any mistreats from others to me. Maybe I’m not strong enough to let things go., and to be honest, I dislike that sometimes about myself.

    I used to have a friend who is depressed, and he led me on with his depression life for years, and finally, I broke it off and let go completely because I was very tired and felt toxic in the whole situation with him. He was acting cold and hot whenever he felt like it. But there was a point in time, I finally gave up, mainly because he lied to me about who he really is as a person, and that triggered me of finally letting it go. People around me, could see a bigger picture of that, but I couldn’t. I just didn’t want to let go of this friend.

    That female friend, I assumed, she took advantage of my kindness, and treated me however she wanted to treat me. I honestly don’t have any lucks when it comes to friendship neither. When I have a friend, I will fully put my heart and effort in loving and wanting to spend times with that person.

    I saw my boyfriend again last Friday. he was acting very cold toward me, and I didn’t like that feeling, but again, I didn’t feel like I did anything wrong to him, just because he got upset with me about my “liking my ex’s photos before I met him.” I just feel it isn’t fair to me, when he brings up my pasts, and points out things I did wrong. Everyone makes mistakes in life.

    #380182
    Umm
    Participant

    Hello Anita, he loves his family very much, he’s a family oriented person type, no doubt on that. But he told me he never gets jealous about his father’s caring and love for his sister. His facial expression and tone, when he told me that, it was speechless, kind plain tone of voice, but depression or needing for attention was a bit in that tone.

    He has this big ego and pride in himself, I know if I suggest counseling for himself, he will refuse me, and he always claims there is nothing wrong with him. He will get irritated or angry if I suggest that.

    #380181
    Umm
    Participant

    I am sorry about that, anita. I will keep it in mind.

    #380179
    Umm
    Participant

    Thank you TeaK and Anita. these answers are greatly contributions to my decision.

    He believes that if he is too nice to a girl, the girl will start to lose respect/ interest on him. He said this because he has experienced from seeing his friends (got cheated on, dumped,etc… just because they’re nice guys). I told him that there will be someone out there who will appreciate the person’s kindness, not all will lose that respect or take advantage of the kindness he offers. But I know, in his mind, he thinks being nice is wrong thing to do.

    It seems whatever he sets to believe in, he will keep believing in it and says it’s reality.

    TeaK, I get angry and upset when we argue over small things like this. it doesn’t go anywhere, and there are just so much more important things out there to be worried. But I know I cannot change his thinking, and I don’t have that power to do it, and I know I won’t. Sometimes, I just don’t know whether it’s my fault, or things I say, to make him feel this way. I’ve been trying to assure him that I love him, and I guess it isn’t enough for him to let go of his insecurity.

    #380174
    Umm
    Participant

    hello Anita,

    Good perspective. I don’t know much about his childhood, but he told me when he was younger, he took bus to school, or walk to school by himself, without his parents. His dad in fact, took care of his older sister a bit more, just because she is a girl in the family.

    After he shared that he went on my ex’s social medias and checked out, and said, he will not do it anymore and only view whatever I show him from now on, instead of him stalking on my social media.

    the problem about him is he doesn’t want to admit that he is insecure of anything. He got angry and cut me short the other day, when he thought I complimented him, just because so I want him to feel better about himself. He told me, don’t compare him with anyone, that’s all he asked from me, he doesn’t want me to compliment on him. But it isn’t in my intention of compare anyone.

    It’s just hard to talk to him about things nowadays because he gets sensitive easily by things I say. When I want to be straightforward, he will get upset and defend himself and it triggers another argument.

    but if I am not too straightforward, he will say he doesn’t appreciate that I go around the circle with what I want to say to him, or hiding or adding things to make it sounds better so he likes it.

    #380172
    Umm
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    We were talking about the restaurant’s name, and my ex’s name was a part of one restaurant names here, so that’s why he asked. I’m not sure what his intention was, with the whole points of talking about restaurant’s name and then my ex’s name.

    I was friended with my ex again, 3-4 years ago before I met my current boyfriend, and I unfriended him when I started dating my boyfriend. Therefore, any likes/ or loves icon from the past, I feel, it has nothing to do with my current one, to make him jealous over it.

    #380170
    Umm
    Participant

    Hello Anita, thank you for your quick reply. Most of those “love” icon are on my ex’s photo with his wife. and this happened way before I met my boyfriend. hope it answers your question. But my boyfriend got jealous over that too. I don’t know why.

    #380168
    Umm
    Participant

    Hello Teak and Anita, thank you for your replies. Greatly appreciated that. It’s very helpful for my confusion mind at the moment.

    I really want to work this relationship out, and want it to be more improvement. but until now, I’m not sure how to take it further.

    Yes, Anita, you understood correctly about we were talking about my female friend did not treat me well, but he brought up my ex’s photo instead, out of nowhere, and wanted to share with me that these are examples of toxic people. he asked for my ex’s first and last name a day before, and I thought it was just casual, nothing special. He questioned me about what I’ve done, when I stopped talk to my ex, etc. I told him “I cannot remember as it happened ages ago”. but following day, he went on my ex’s social media, and saw one of his photos that I clicked on “like” and some of other photos I clicked on “love” icon, and he kept repeating that line “this guy cheated on me,” why I still talked to him few years after broke up. I seriously cannot remember the day/time/year that I stopped talking to someone, so he accused me for not telling him the truth. My ex and I decided to become friends again after few years we broke up. I forgave my ex, for what he did, but my ex is already married and we stopped talking to each other years ago.

    I brought this up before with him whether if he is angry at someone toxic in his life, he refused and said no. He also shared he knows his ex blocked him, I assume here, he was looking for her profile, but didn’t see it. I wonder if he still loves his ex. For some reasons, now I end up feeling I am a back-up person in this relationship, after all the small arguments. I really feel like I’m in the middle of their unsolved case even though they’re no longer together.

    Thank you for your listening and giving advice.

     

Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)