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Hi dear Anita and TeaK,
It has been a rough week. I couldn’t even put the words together, so I just kept quiet for some time.
And I believe it’s because she refused to deal with her own pain, that’s why she didn’t have compassion neither for herself nor for you. Now she has compassion for cats and abused animals, while probably still having no compassion for herself or you.
This sounds right. I can see the connection even though a part of me says that I haven’t done enough for my ex-boyfriend. I haven’t made him feel that he was loved enough. That’s what he complained about, he didn’t think that he was a priority in my life.
We lost contact and then found it and then lost it again, and the cycle repeated. I’ve cried a lot, not being able to share much. I even made my mother worry by saying that I was depressed. At first, she thought that I made it worse and also that I could feel better if I wanted to. Then we spent a few hours texting and arguing on how I think about her refusing to respect my depressed state and how I’ve never shown her this side of me. Eventually, she quit arguing and told me that she is basically worried and wants me to feel better. Other than that, I’ve kept doing my yoga and also kept questioning. It was very painful to even try to let go of him. He feels like family but it simply doesn’t work.
Yesterday, I tried the tarot cards that my flatmate has given to me last year. It distracted me for a while and I looked at some cards for a few friends. It was the first time that I felt a slight spark, other than my low depressed state. Then I also picked some cards myself which said that I should be willing to make a decision for myself and commit to it. I know this would apply to most of the people out there but I thought that deciding to move on would be the logical choice for both me and him. However, it’s really hard for both of us. I don’t know what will happen. I’ll be leaving the city for some time, maybe 10 days, maybe more. Maybe that would help us a little.