You deleted your first thread

i actually didn’t and it still there, just checked

 I just spent hours re-reading much of our massive communication

thank you for that, you really didn’t have to, since i changed a lot.

and I regret having lost my patience with you

don’t, you were very helpful and patience, and i think you did the right thing.

 I don’t know what I can possibly do for you other than be the Fantasy Woman in your Fantasy

since i started taking meds, i didn’t need to fantasize anymore, i didn’t felt much need for love, the desperate need has gone, which is good, im gonna finish 3 months now, though i do miss those fantasies

 And I know that I cannot be okay with you living the way you do

i understand, i might sound very miserable, but i do have some good things in my life, there is other aspects i apprentice about my current life that i  think i will miss if i didn’t have them

You shared about your mother’s love: “when I said she loved me, I meant when I was a child. I see her sometimes with babies and she is very loving”

i had many experience and thought about that, and i think she didn’t gave me any love as a child, since she didn’t have any as a child as well, i think she think of children as a way to satisfy her needs, i think the way i see her now, she looks like a baby herself, never learns from her mistakes, very vulnerable to everyone, very sensitive, very dreamy, i know now why i wanted a mature women, and why i wanted my need to be met so bad, without giving in return

like a baby, easy life, not doing anything adult-like

while it hurts to know you are like that, i learned to accept some of it, the things i can’t change or don’t wanna change, its just sad to look at myself and see a baby, to look at how other people see me, how my needs and desires sounds very much like a baby, i wish i wasn’t like that, but i am

 “only hope that somehow I will be loved without changing”

i also mentioned that this i had from my mother, dreamy thinking and imaginary hopes, and i know this isn’t true, infact my whole argument with Teak was about that

that’s you insisting to be a loved, cared-for baby, not required to do anything adult-like.

the only problem is that i don’t have a problem of my current way of living, but my current way of living makes it impossible to have basic needs, and i don’t see basic needs very valuable thing to change for

and women where you live are weak women

i wouldn’t say weak now, just not very compatible with me

found out that you will have to work at least 10 years before you can get married. You started working for that goal but felt so much “stress and despair thinking that I have to that for the next 10 years just to get a proper money to marry”- so you quit that goal

i think this is GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), i think that now i really don’t care about marriage, i still have the same goal in mind (easy life), i know you can’t accept such life, but i can, people might not understand, but i do, it makes perfect since to me to follow such goal, at the end i am happier like that

 somewhere along the way I understood that no matter how long I communicate with you, I will make no difference in your life

its true, i wasn’t and still have no desire to live as life intended to be, so that i can have basic needs

All you wanted from me was to help you “cry again and feel warm inside”

again that’s true, i only used our conversation in order to feel something, and to be able to fantasize, and for that im Sorry

you are not really suffering… really???

i think if i lived the way you want me to live i will suffer more, and i can’t take the guilt, of having an easir life but not giving it to myself just because, love won’t be an enough motive, infact i don’t think anything could be enough motive to beat the goal in my mind (easy life)

 do you want to .. have the desire to change?

in this mindset and right now ? No, but i might in the future, but if i had the control to have such desire, i would’ve choose to not have it, because it Conflict with my goals and values and beliefs, and i do think i have some desire to change ( my need for love and being understood and being seen and taken care of) but it doesn’t outweigh my goals and values and beliefs, if it did we wouldn’t have this conversation

anyhow its good to hear from you, i hope that i at least have the possibility to talk to you from time to time, thinking that you don’t wanna replay to me anymore kinda hurt me, knowing that a beautiful human being doesn’t want contact with you makes you think that there is must be something wrong with you.