Dear miyoid,

I try to be more modest, nicer around people. I don’t demand much. I sometimes cannot even demand what I need, or want. This happened a lot when I was a child. I used to go to my dad’s home, and he lived alone. I remember just preparing myself for minutes and minutes in order to ask if I could open up the computer and play with it for some time. It was hard for me to ask this. It was hard for me to speak my mind. It got easier in years, but I still have hard time demanding. Although, most of the time I don’t know what I need or deserve. Therefore, I cannot demand much.

I can get jealous of some attention from someone I care. But only, if that attention is being given to somebody else instead of me. This could be a boyfriend, an older sister, mother.

You don’t demand much, unlike your older sister, right? If I remember well, you mentioned once she too was narcissistic, like your father. She could demand stuff for herself, same as your father could. How did your sister behave around your father? Did she have a problem expressing her needs? And around your mother?

It seems that in your family, your father had the biggest right to demand things, then came your sister, then your mother, and then you. Your mother couldn’t demand things from your father (e.g. she couldn’t demand that she visit her father, or that your father help her with the household). She tolerated the poor treatment and probably suffered in silence. She didn’t demand anything from your father. Is that correct?

But from you, she demanded not to disturb her with your “minor” problems. Perhaps it wasn’t a direct demand, perhaps she didn’t tell you “Stop bothering me with your problems!”, but she did downplay them, she said they’re nothing compared to her problems. So the effect was the same – she wanted you not to disturb her, i.e. not to demand compassion and understanding from her. I can imagine your sister was different and demanded things more freely from your mother? And got her attention too?

This makes you feel jealous – because your sister was loud enough and rude enough to get what she wants, without even deserving it. While you silently accepted rejection – you accepted that you won’t get what you want, neither from your mother nor your father. You probably feared that you’d be abandoned if you demand anything (and this fear started very early, when you were a baby and woke up soon after your mother would put you to sleep).

Recently, when you’ve shared with your mother that you’re depressed, and when you refused to back off, what you got at least is her attention. She got worried about you. You didn’t get her compassion and understanding, but at least you got her attention for a moment, because you didn’t back off immediately. You backed off only after you made your point. That’s when you told her the usual – not to worry, and that you’ll try to get better.

But still, you made a step, you expressed yourself, so try to appreciate that and get the feel of how it is to express your need without immediately retreating. Actually, I think it’s better in this instance that you reassured your mother that you won’t do anything stupid and that you won’t harm yourself, so she doesn’t worry. However, try practicing expressing your needs more often, and demanding that what is yours, without immediately backing off. You can practice it in imaginary situations first, if you don’t feel like trying it in real life. Practice what you would say to a person (perhaps to your sister?) who you feel doesn’t care about you and doesn’t take your needs into consideration.

Btw, it’s a normal phase in a child’s development to be very selfish and e.g. not want to share their toys with anybody. A child needs to go through the phase of “it’s mine, give it to me!”, because that’s a key for a healthy personality development. It appears you skipped this phase because you were afraid you’d be abandoned if you demand things for yourself…

I might want to feel more spoiled or more lucky

More spoiled – like your sister? I think you have the right to demand what’s rightfully yours, by all means. It doesn’t mean being spoiled, but simply having legitimate needs. So I encourage you to be more “spoiled” and as a first step, allow yourself to feel the need inside of you, and to say to yourself “I want this and I deserve this”.

most of the time I don’t know what I need or deserve. Therefore, I cannot demand much.

Do you know what you need from a relationship? As an exercise, you can write a list of all of the things you’d want in a relationship (you may or may not share it here). And then think – do I deserve this? I bet that most or all of those needs are legitimate needs, and you absolutely deserve them.