Hi Anita, Im back after being incredibly busy working around the clock. Ive tried my best to keep my head down and stay away from the rest. Its been the only way I can deal with my circling thoughts I guess but im close to burning out again from everything. Since Ive been back to work I’ve not been feeling very healthy (tired and sometimes unwell) and I’ve been struggling with this general emotional overspill. I think that I’ve unintentionally developed a trigger response to almost anything that can be perceived as negative. Im finding it hard to switch off and relax in any way, even if I take a walk something happens that irritates me.

But something else is weighing on me. Bad news. I just heard from my mother that my brother in law lost his sister to an overdose…this is the US and she was apparently already years into addiction. At first I was just shocked, she was 41 and I didn’t know her at all. Later on though, I started to feel really sad and emotional about it…trying to imagine what had happened to her and her life to make it so bad. I couldn’t get away from the heavy feeling and didn’t really know why it was bugging me.

I realised a bit later that the reason it felt so much to me was because my ex was an addict. Its not something that I like to admit. I only really understood that some years into the relationship and the signs were of course obvious but I was quite naive and also in a bit of an alternate reality myself, having suffered from depression and some bad experiences as well as a whole new country and culture. This triggered me to think of the issues that he may have been dealing with as well as hers, no doubt to do with family and childhood issues. This is of course worrying as my sister has a relationship with that family and we don’t know for sure the whole story. But when my sister ever spoke about her it was in negatives; that she was a total mess and no one could help her. To me that is sad in itself as I find it hard to give up on people although I know others do. I often feel a huge amount of sadness for situations or people I don’t even know.

After I had this news I had a zoom meeting with work and I had lost the thought from my mind at that point but just felt so angry and didn’t know why (probably that). I couldn’t smile and go along with all the fake compliments that were going on and I could see that some of my team were smirking at my apparent attitude. That made me even angrier as its led by this family member for sure influencing the new staff. Sometimes it feels like im being tortured in life…I wonder why its ME that has to continually be taught a lesson? Why can’t something go wrong for this guy at work? Ok, some things have but he bounces back and has now got a supportive little team going…that like to make fun of me I think, but this is just defensive thoughts. I still can’t speak the language and so mostly at the meetings I can’t join in, they seem to find that funny. But to me its abusive.

Today I met with an old colleague I used to work with. He knows the situation and also had his own experiences with the family member. I know this ex colleague would probably like a relationship with me and I’ve only seen him on a couple of ocaccssions but I just don’t feel anything. And although I like him as a friend, some of his behaviour irritates me as he was already giving up on another job he is in…I think he needs patience and he was talking about leaving the country which made me depressed. Maybe he is right? I should not hang on for so long but do something different.

I wish I had more guts.