Dear Murtaza,

You also believe that your way of thinking is not something you have chosen but something you were born with

i think this believe is based on a lot of observation and thinking, also science

It’s based on your observation and thinking. And no, it’s not based in science because science has proven that there’s such a thing as neuroplasticity – our ability to create new neural networks in the brain, i.e. new ways of thinking and reacting. You could change your thinking if you’d want to. Literally, your neurons could “fire” in different ways, and your entire thinking and reasoning could change. That’s based on science. But I understand you don’t want to change your thinking. That’s your free will.

You said to anita:

i sound aggressive for a reason, protection, now that you know me, i don’t need much protection

I believe the need for protection is very strong in you. There are more parts in you, including the wounded inner child, however they are suppressed by a very strong protector part (you can look up the Internal Family Systems theory, which talks about different parts of our personality). This protector part came up with this entire reasoning, according to which you’re created differently and don’t have free will to change. It’s a belief system, a mental construct, which serves a purpose. And I believe the purpose is to protect you from pain which you don’t want to experience again. You’ve experienced it in your childhood, and you don’t want to experience it ever again.

You don’t want to work on healing your wounds, because it’s not the “easy way”. It requires facing the pain, healing the wounds, re-writing the false imprints from your childhood. It’s possible. It’s actually how neuroplasticity takes place. But it’s work, yes, and you don’t want it.

I understand you, because there’s no guarantee that even if you heal, you won’t be hurt again. Even if you heal, you still might face disappointment and people rejecting you, which would cause new pain. So there’s no guarantee. Conclusion: it’s easier to not even get into this whole healing business, to not even want it. That’s the easy way.

However, there’s another layer in your protective shield: you don’t want to admit that you don’t want to change. Rather, you say “I am programmed not to want it”. That’s how you protect yourself from guilt. You say you have a lot of guilt:

i feel guilty, guilt is something i can’t endure, i have a lot of it, and i come online to just have less,

So, to avoid guilt, you say “it’s not my lack of will to change – it’s how I am created”. This way nobody can blame you for taking the easy way. You have a really clever protector who covered all bases. But other parts are suffering. Your protector part keeps them suppressed.

Healing is possible, but you’d need to be willing to dismantle the protector, and it seems like you’re not willing to do that, at least not at the moment.