Dear miyoid,

happy birthday! Although you’re not feeling too happy at the moment, I know…

I am sorry about your sister – she had a tough time too. You say she’s stronger, maybe in the sense that she left home early and never came back. I guess she became independent from the family earlier? However, you said earlier that she has troubles in her relationships:

She gets overly attached, then she spends the rest of the relationship with the fear of losing, and then she eventually loses the person. … She lives alone, currently single, with lots of failed relationships.

It appears she too fears abandonment, but in spite of that, she gets abandoned often and ends up alone.

Regarding your mother, don’t expect that she’d change. It appears she’s getting more and more obsessed with cats and even willing to sacrifice her marriage for that. You’ve noticed it well – it’s her coping mechanism, to distract herself from pain (and from the need to change).

I’m continuing my life that I’ve been living without the emotional support I need from her and other people as well.

Your mother has never given you emotional support, miyoid. She might talk with you and listen to you, but she usually minimizes your problems. But I understand that you now worry what might happen if you’ll have to take care of her. Till now, you didn’t have to take care of her much – either emotionally or physically, did you? Now there’s a threat that she might need your help.

I believe what you can provide is support in terms of helping her find a place to stay – so concrete, physical actions. But don’t try to provide emotional support, because she’s not really open to it and it would only drain you further. I don’t know if she complains to you or pities herself? But try to separate yourself emotionally from her.

I don’t know what I feel, maybe resentment, maybe just pity for myself. I cannot get angry with anyone, I just feel helpless. I wish my mom had healthier coping mechanisms.

I know you wish she’d change, but unfortunately it’s not in your domain. Only she can decide that, and right now, it appears she isn’t willing to change. So your possibility to help her is limited. I think you definitely cannot help her emotionally, but as I said, maybe you can offer physical, material help, but also respect your boundaries. Don’t take on more than you can bear, e.g. don’t allow her to move in with you with her 8 cats. Have compassion for her, but also protect your boundaries.

I might be feeling resentment towards people that tried to love me but then eventually quit. Such as my mother, ex-boyfriend, and so on.

When you say it like this, it sounds like those people tried to love you, but they quit because of you. As if you were unlovable. You know that’s not true – your mother “quit” because she wasn’t able to meet your emotional needs. You said she abandoned you both physically and emotionally. It wasn’t your fault, but her inability to meet your needs as a child.

I was spending my time alone at the house in the evenings, and she was working. I remember a night, before a huge exam which was about the entrance to high school. A child is supposed to get to bed early those days, cause we have like 6 or 7 big exams in our standard education life. But I remember her not being able to return home for a long period of time and I felt a bit bad. I wasn’t able to sleep cause I waited for her.

You obviously spent a lot of time alone, your mother was working till late in the evening, and you were happy to find someone to chat with online, because she was not really available. When she was available physically, she wasn’t available emotionally. She wasn’t there for you. Then your mother met her second husband. And probably she was even less available? Maybe at that time her second husband became her priority, like now her cats are? You were never her priority.

I know it’s painful, miyoid. But if you believe it’s your fault, you’ll sink into helplessness and self-pity, like you tend to do now. None of it was your fault! You deserved to be cared for, and your mother neglected you. Try to say this to yourself out loud: “I deserved it! And I didn’t get it!” See if you can feel the power of speaking those words. See if it fills you with anger. Because it should. Instead of sinking into helplessness and blaming yourself, allow some anger into your system, which will give you the power to stand up for yourself.

Let me know what you think about it, and how it felt if you tried speaking it out loud (to yourself, privately, not in front of your mother or anyone else).