Dear TeaK

Thank you once again for replying to my thoughts.

You said:

“I see. You’re not able to let go thinking about it, there’s a thought playing in your mind that keeps you agitated and you can’t focus on anything else. What might be happening is that your obsessive thinking actually has a protective function. It might be protecting you from doing something else, perhaps something productive and constructive, because you believe that should you start doing something productive, it would turn out you’re not good at it, and it would cause you pain.

If this is true for you, then obsessing about past mistakes and past events is a defense mechanism. It keeps your mind busy and doesn’t allow you to try new things, and potentially embarrass yourself. Do you think this might bee true for you?”

= I stop thinking of this obsessive thinking when i do activities, but when i have free time i’ll start thinking about it again. Then i tried to not think about the obsessive thoughts at all… and it didnt work but the uneasy feeling is still there….. what i’m afraid of is that if i dont think about that thoughts (the embarassing things i do by posting on my instagram stories)… it’s like i left an unsolved case….like i need to make sure to my mind that the problem is settled… like i need to know that those people didnt view me as embarassing… but it’s not possible… as there are 300 people who viewed my instagram stories, that’s why the case is always unsettled in my head.

Actually the past mistakes that i’m only thinking right now is about that instagram stories, i used to post stuffs that end up embarrassing myself…. i did that only to attract that girl (the girl who confesses to me but told me not to wait for her)…. and now after failing to get her….. my brain feels that i did something wrong….. that im embarrassing myself to 300 people who viewed my instagram stories only to get her attention…. and in the end, it didnt work out with her. Like i lost on both sides. The only thing i can do right now is by not posting anything on instagram, i even track my record to feel calmer….. i’ve achieved 18 days without posting and every time i see that record i feel very calm.

At that time i used to post a lot of stuffs on my instagram stories without thinking about how embarrassing i am… because i focus on that girl… and after things didnt work out with her…. i suddenly realized it.

But yeah, u said it’s always related to self-esteem and it’s very true…. and i try improving it day by day. I even tried learning to draw cartoons on weekends to feel some achievement. And yeah it felt good.

You said:
“If this is behind your overthinking and the inability to let go, you’d need to become aware that one part of you is afraid of failure and sabotages you from trying anything, sabotages you from even wanting to accomplish anything. You’d need to step back from that part, in your mind, and realize that you’re more than just this fearful part. There’s another part of you that wants to advance and develop and thrive, and you want to embrace that part more. If you feel this is applicable to you, we can talk more.”

= Yeah that’s true, there are 2 parts of myself… the one who wants to advance and the other one wants me to overthink problems. This overthink problems sometimes could also repeat… like if i have cleared on the “embarrassing instagram stories” problem, i felt that my mind could re think about another problems that are unsettled like e.g. my height. Like what u said it’s true… i guess it’s a defense mechanism as it leads me to clear every of my problems, and also every decision i made could also causes me to feel regret…. like anything i do….. but i’m trying to learn right now to not blame myself for any decision i took… and it’s progressing.

But yeah, what i want is to embrace the part of me that wants o advance and develop and thrive.