Dear Murtaza:

If I may say so, you are brilliant. What I am clear about is that in no way do I feel intellectually superior to you and it tickles my mind to think that at one point I guess, I thought I was.. that I could change your thinking because mine was superior to yours, that I knew better. I laugh at the idea, at this moment. At this time I am typing just as the thoughts and feelings flow out, not editing anything.

My purpose posting to you is no longer to change you, nor is it my purpose to make you like me by writing what I think you would like to read. Also, I am not sure that you want to read from me because you didn’t address me in your recent posts. So, if you want to read from me in the future, address me by name, will you?

My purpose in posting to you right now is .. well, I enjoy it, it’s fun for me this morning to entertain your thoughts in your recent post and respond to them (I correct some of the grammar and punctuation when I quote you because it helps me to process your thoughts better):

“I really don’t care how I was created, I only know for a fact that the result of me (this person right here) thinks and acts differently from other people. Yes, it does guarantee misery. Part of my programming (that guarantees misery) is to do that, it’s all part of the programming, I’m just aware of such programming. Programming is a wider word: my upbringing and genes and environment, all make me this person right here, whatever I do, whatever I think, whatever beliefs and values I have- all go back (when we ask enough why) to the same rabbit hole, the same uncontrollable things: genes and environment. I simply know the facts, aware of them. You should live in Iraq for a change, and say that these conclusions aren’t based on the country and house I live in”.

“Try living in my mind, without any joy of anything, without a motivation to change, with only few goals (easy way/being not human), then you can advise me, and I can take such advice in account. If my little sister advised me about something, I will take her advice seriously. I’m basically waiting for death.. I promised myself two things: one is that I do everything by my rules and my way, two: that the only trying I’m going to do to so to improve anything would be death- otherwise I’m staying like this.. Then a normie says to me ‘permanent solution to temporary problem’ sure, your problems are temporary, I really don’t care who judges my life, cause they are all wrong, the only one who can judge it is me”.

My thoughts: part of me hopes that no one but you is reading this part of my post, but I know others will read it as well. I wish no one else reads it because it is quite dark, pessimistic and people like optimism.. no one wants to face the dark truth. The saying that death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, or temporary problems is half true: death is permanent but the problems humanity faces were never temporary and they are getting worse. It’s not only in Iraq: the U.S. is moving toward autocracy, led by the likes of an evil, truly narcissistic man and his fans- it’s in the neighborhood where I live, in the taproom I told you about. Last summer, in the midst of the pandemic and civil unrest in the U.S., for a few days the sky was covered by smoke coming from massive wild fires, no sun, no blue sky- it had the feeling of the-end-of-the-world.

It was not just a feeling: taking into account that our planet is becoming more and more uninhabitable, unfriendly to human (and other) life, the climate change and the U.S. moving toward authoritarianism, to be led by people who deny climate change and will not do anything to slow it down.. is there a reasonable way to deny where we are going, what we are approaching???

I’ve known this for a long time and I think a lot of people know this, but naturally we deny because we don’t want.. or we can’t hold in awareness this truth, not for too  long. People who know how bad it is, scientists who have access to the public- they try to be optimistic because they don’t want millions of people to panic.. and people will turn against a truth teller if they get scared enough.

I am not rushing to die, like you seem to be, at times, wanting to make it sooner than later because I still find life interesting- notice, not necessarily joyful.. hardly ever (I do feel pretty good though as I type this), but interesting often feels good enough!

See the exclamation mark right above- I was going to erase it, feeling wrong about it, but remembered that I am not editing. I always hated the word Happy and an “!” suggests Happy. I use it in some posts but I feel more authentic with you.

I hope you are reading this post patiently because it is long and has a lot in it. More in regard to what I quoted from you: programming by the environment can be as powerful as programming by genetics. As a matter of fact, the environment, such as the experience in childhood, changes our genes. The two: nature (genes) and nurture (the environment) are not separate entities, they interact with each other. I understand you not caring which of the two is responsible for what part of you because they are both powerful and both indeed – unfortunately, I wish it was not so- almost guarantee misery in that humanity is in such deep, deep trouble. We are close to the end result of irresponsible, corrupt and evil politicians and those others in power over the masses of people.

You wrote: “I’m just aware of such programming.. I simply know the facts, aware of them”- like I wrote before, people can’t hold such awareness for too long, the end-of-the-world awareness. You’ve been holding maybe the .. end-of-Murtaza’s-world in awareness for a long time. How strange, to think and talk about one own’s death- no greater denial than the personal reality of (100% guaranteed) death. This person now typing these words with a brain able to imagine the most beautiful sceneries and magical happenings, all within my brain: colors and images.. and sometimes, remembering the hopes and dreams and desires of childhood, early childhood when all seemed possible.. all this ending in death, all this magic, hope and desire of long-gone past.. it’s hard to grasp.

“I promised myself.. that I do everything by my rules and my way“- talking about all that is uncontrollable in our lives, the rabbit hole you mentioned, this sentence I just italicized is very powerful, meaning it feels powerful to me. I like it. I want to do the same thing myself.. I mean.. not to live by your rules and your way, but by my own.

anita