Dear Murtaza:

“you said that you enjoy replying to me, in this post, you don’t sound like you are enjoying yourself”-

– On Wednesday morning, June 9, I wrote to you: “My purpose in posting to you right now is .. well, I enjoy it, it’s fun for me this morning to entertain your thoughts..”- notice the words I italicized: they qualify the time when I enjoyed myself, morning of June 9.  Fast forward to Thursday morning, June 10, I was not enjoying myself. Recently, I injured my hand and when it hurts- I get depressed, when it doesn’t hurt, I feel hopeful/ better. As I am typing now, both of my hands are in braces.

Feelings change, they don’t stay the same. I enjoyed talking to you Wednesday, I didn’t enjoy it much Thursday, I am not enjoying myself right now.. but I like you and love you just the same.

Your feelings change too, you have good days and bad days, and sometimes you feel content, May 24: “luckily right now I’m on my good days, when I used to talk to you I had mostly bad days.. when I’m on a good day I don’t feel the need to talk to people or post stuff, I always appear online very pessimistic, I am very pessimistic but there is a good side too, a side I can’t show unless you see me in real life…  right now I’m just not suffering much, so it doesn’t come to my mind..  right now I could say that I’m content with myself”-

– see the words I italicized: “right now”- same words I used June 9 when I enjoyed writing to you. Those right now moments when we don’t suffer, or when we suffer less, make us desire life. This desire for life is hidden when we are depressed, but it is not gone (not for most people, most of the time).

Here are more of your right now good feelings: “I already have, a little sister, that loves me, and I love her too.. you even like me, and I feel so warm..  I also like wine..  its a really good movie, watching movies made me desire to be in a taproom…there are a lot of things I’m grateful for having in this life.. my little sister, not only we understand each other, but know most of our qualities, we love each other, I like how she look at me, waking up and not having any responsibility, eating my favorite breakfast, slowly and at peace, while listening to piano music,  smoking in the roof, while listening to my favourite songs, thinking about life, and just taking my time..”- love, feeling so warm, wine, favorite breakfast, good movies, music, taking your time on the roof.

I wrote to you in my last post: “stop trying to find a solution to suffering, stop looking for a way out”, and you answered: “I’m not trying to find a solution, I already know what it is”.

“I already know what it is”, but you question it: the question is in the title of your thread: “wouldn’t be a mercy if I just ended my life?”- there is a question mark at the end, making it a question, not an affirmative statement. There is a hidden desire to live in this title, it is in the questioning: “wouldn’t.. if..  ?”

I do understand your pain and misery. I no longer feel pain the way I used to, but I did feel the depth of misery for way too long. I do not underestimate your pain. I am pointing out to your good right now moments that fuel your inborn desire to live, a desire that is a core characteristic in all that is alive: bacteria, protozoa, fungi, algae, plants, animals, anita, Murtaza.

anita

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