Dear Murtaza:

“I thought it was about my past remark, so I point it out to make sure”- glad you asked.

“wouldn’t be a mercy if I just ended my life?… I was asking only for validation (and the hope is to be wrong)”- maybe one day it will be an act of mercy, for you.. for me. Not yet, not today.

In regard to things you enjoy, such as listening to music, watching a good movie, seeing the way your little sister sometimes looks at you, etc., you wrote: “I don’t see these things worth it honestly”, saying that you detailed those things so to “not be advised to change my lifestyle, since I already think this is the best one for me”. I understand.

“Do I wanna survive? Yes, do I wanna live? No (by living I mean the normal way), Is survival worth it? No”- you acknowledge an inborn want to survive (true to all living forms), and a cognitive evaluation that surviving is not worth it, an evaluation possible only to thinking humans. I wonder what would happen if you were magically transported to a magical parallel universe where life is just what you would want it to be, such that would make you want to live that life. What would that life be (?)

“These days, I feel so numb, a numbness like no other, I sometimes miss the sadness I used to feel all day when I wasn’t on drugs, the insomnia, the killer boredom, the urgent desire for intimacy, I’m glad all that is gone, I always wanted to live like this, a zombie, just existing”- detachment/ dissociation from emotions.. not alive (not experiencing emotions) but not yet dead.

“I wanted to ask you something.. I’m sitting comfortably, watching a movie, and I remember what I lost (females)… When it comes fast in my mind, it feels like a slap out of nowhere, I get annoyed for 5 sec then it goes away, this happen often… When I see someone else has what I really craved for, then I remember it’s my fault, then I just remember it doesn’t matter to me anymore, when this happen often I laugh or just say F**K, sometimes even loud, I remember reading something about this for the people that have OCD, though this is bit different, what do you think?”-

– I think that within your brain there is a Normie Murtaza whose loyalty is to the Normie World, and once in a while, it slaps you, adding words that are too quick to clearly hear, such as: you *&** (name calling), it is all your fault, you are not like the rest of us, you are less than us.. (slap!)

* A few days ago, riding in the car, bored.. I happened to hear a familiar song on the radio, Bohemian Rhapsody, and I thought of you, that it is as if you wrote many of the words (and it has the Arabic touch “bismillah”, in the name of Allah): “Too late, my time has come. Sends shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time. Goodbye, everybody, I’ve got to go. Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth. Mama, ohh.. I don’t wanna die. I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all”-

– Even before I connected the song to you, hearing the words “I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all” brought up in me a strong emotion, because I thought it myself many times. Strange thing, after feeling that emotional pain in I-wish-I’d-never-been-born-at-all, I felt better. When a painful emotion gets to be invited out, such as in being invited by this song, a good emotion follows- a feeling of being alive.

In my mind’s eye, I am seeing you right now on the roof, under the night Iraqi sky, singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

anita