Dear Murtaza:

Having just read your last line with the happy face emoji.. you saying that you like my image of you singing on the roof- it made me feel love for you, what a nice feeling it is, hard to describe, it brings a smile to my face. It’s there, the feeling and from time to time it awakens.

“To answer your question, I will answer it in two ways, the magical one (which is impossible to achieve).. to be a baby again..  to have a mother that actually knows what love is, I actually think this is heaven, and I don’t want to grow up in that universe, infinite unconditional love”-

– When I asked, I thought of this answer because you described it before. I think that you are right, this is heaven.. and that very early-life experience (when a baby still feels loved and protected) is a great motivator in adult behavior, such as in when a man falls in love with a woman,  expecting to re-experience heaven (that expectation is what the euphoria of falling in love is about), followed by disappointment, of course.

“and the middle ground one.. to have a normal life, a wife, maybe even a daughter, though I would at least ask for a wife that I can be myself in front of, seems like a good life”- if only there is just one woman, just one (in the area where you live), who would be okay with you not working, etc., you just need one for this parallel universe to be your own.

“I really don’t think having some normie qualities bothers me, since I know it was uncontrollable to have such”- oh, okay- that’s better that you are okay with having an inner-normie. I agree: it’s uncontrollable.

“No it’s not like that”- let me see: you learned to accept that you will not have a woman in your life (girlfriend/ wife). But often, you are sitting comfortably, watching a movie, and out of nowhere a thought in regard to not having a woman in your life hits your brain, feeling like a slap, and you get annoyed for five seconds and then it goes away. When you see (in a movie or in social media) another man having a woman in his life, you feel jealous or envious, and you tell yourself that it is your fault (but not in an angry way), and you then laugh or just say f***, sometimes loudly. You asked me if I thought it is an OCD thing-

– the term intrusive thoughts came to my mind but what you described doesn’t fit the term. You described a thought appearing out of nowhere- but that’s usually the case when it comes to thoughts. What you described though is not just any thought appearing uninvited, but a powerful thought that slaps you, so to speak. A way to think of the word emotion is e-motion, or energy in  motion. The thought of not having a woman in your life has an emotional attachment to it, and like a rocket, the emotional attachment drives the thought into a crash with your brain, which feels like a slap.

Annoyance, jealousy, anger- these are energies-in-motion that are attached (at least at times) to thoughts of other men having what you don’t. What all this is telling me (according to my current understanding) is that sometimes you feel peace or indifference to the the idea of never having a woman in your life, but too often you don’t feel peace or indifference to the idea.

anita