Dear Dee,

I’ve been following your exchange with anita, and she’s given you some really good insight into why you might be tolerating your boyfriend’s cheating on you. You said you value honesty above all, and that you’re open to explore all kinds of relationship arrangements – as long as your partner is honest about what he wants:

I had made it really clear what my boundaries are, and made it more clear that I had no interest in being cheated on/ being with someone who is going to break my trust instead of just telling me how you really feel, while I’m the easiest going person who will never get mad despite anything you might do or say to me.

I would be awesome with just being friends. I would be great with being FWB (I’m sure that’s not what he is after with me). I would be cool with an open relationship too. I’m not okay with the dishonesty, and don’t know if I really should be non confrontational any further.

However, your boyfriend doesn’t seem to value honesty, on the contrary, he seems to get his pleasure and excitement from cheating. The reason I am saying this is when you once had a swinger deal, he couldn’t get erection, even though the woman was a type who’d your boyfriend would typically be very attracted to. This tells me it’s not exciting for him to be with other women if you know about it, but only if it’s in secret.

You say he loves you very much:

We are happily with each other, I love him very much and I know he honestly and truly love me very much as well.

It could be that two forces are working in him: one is the need for love and attachment, which he gets from you, and the other is the need to rebel and be “naughty” – which he gets from cheating on you with other women. The reason could be in his childhood relationship with his dominant mother – he loves her a lot, and at the same time wants to rebel against her dominance. This is just one possible explanation.

The point is that what you’re looking in him – honesty – is exactly what he might not be able to give you. At least not unless he would attend some serious therapy.

You say that his cheating behavior may be due to his fear for the future, since he might end up in jail for his alleged sexual misconduct. So he wants to make the best use of his time and have fun while he still can. But even if that’s the case, it means that his idea of “fun” is cheating on you. It’s not going to trips with you, or movies, or do other things that people usually have on their bucket list. So even if your explanation for his cheating is true, it’s bad news for you. No matter how you look at it, he’s a cheater and it might be stronger than him.

I know you really like this guy, even love him. You even said that if it doesn’t work out with him, you won’t be dating any more. But it seems to me it can’t work out with him, unless you want the status quo to continue: knowing about his unfaithfulness but not confronting him.