You value unconditional love (a love that is not conditioned on societal expectations), but you don’t believe it is possible for you.

I value a love that come from understanding and connection, a one that doesn’t need external things in order to be met, if money is a requirement for love, then it doesn’t matter to me, since i won’t be loved for myself, but for the money i have, i like myself right now, i don’t see any problem in it, and i don’t understand the need to change in order to be loved, i don’t think unconditional love exist in a adults relationship, and if it does then its not healthy, it should be conditional, but for me not by external things, but internal, i acknowledge the need for external in my situation, but i don’t see it worth while, especially when im expecting unconditional love

The why i don’t think its possible, is more like a guess, a guess based on evidence, lots of evidence, i wanna actually see other evidence, but anytime i try to talk to a girl, a lot of pain comes up, the last time i tried the girl said “not worth it”, just because i was vulnerable, “you are even more girly then girls themselves”, and this was a person who could speak English, and bit educated, thats why i approached her

when this happened, i had the desire to change and work, she told me something “that’s the difference between us, i work to satisfy my goal, you don’t” i felt so much guilt, and then i thought of working, making my desire possible, and not wait for a miracle, it was good, and i thanked her, even when she was mean to me, she made me feel love, she was also suffering, and i wished i could help her, “you will never understand how to be emotionaless” her words, she assumed so much about my life

A friend of mine (by friend here i mean a person i talked to) also talked to her, and now she is his girlfriend, nearly, i felt anxious ofcourse, pain like no other, he is younger then me, but he works, i guess norimes likes each other, i actually was glad i didn’t continue talking to her, knowing she is just another norime, just another robot controlled by society ideas and beliefs, but i didn’t stop talking to her, she did, i never underestimate people, or make them feel inferior, i actually understood why she treated me the way she did, and i don’t hate her, i actually still feel her pain, and feel sorry for her, not in a bad way, but i understand that her behavior must come from a lot of pain, she is just not compatible with me, norimes aren’t compatible with me, they aren’t inferior or superior, maybe in some areas, but overall we just dealt a different cards

This is what happens when i speak to a norime, i had so much guilt, i was suicidal, and out of self loathing and hating my life, i wanted to work, to disrespect everything that i stand for, the ultimate betrayal, to go against everything i value and like, just to fit in, and have the basic needs, maybe, then i won’t need people like her, i will buy a wife (yes actually in iraq it does work like that) but it wouldn’t mean anything with this mind

Am I exact in what I wrote above, and did I not mention any other goals and values?

Yes, everything you say is a goldmine 😀