Dear Jenny,

good to read from you! I am glad you’re doing good, not obsessing about him, and instead, focusing on your own life, doing things you enjoy, such as singing. It seems you’re much more in control of your life and able to regulate your emotions, and this gives you a sense of power and peace. That’s great!

Regarding your self-esteem, now that I think about it again, it could be that what you had was self-confidence – in that you saw yourself as successful in other areas of your life, such as career and friends, and you felt pretty good about yourself because of that. But deep down, you probably did lack self-esteem, because that’s a core characteristic that is formed in our relationship with our parents. If you haven’t felt special and valued by your parents, if you were criticized a lot, your self-esteem couldn’t have developed properly.

Self-esteem runs deeper than self-confidence. It’s that deep sense of worth, a sense that we’re valuable, just because we exist. It doesn’t depend on any outer achievement. It could be that deep down you did lack self-esteem, and needed your mother (i.e. your boyfriend) to give it to you – to tell you and show you that indeed, you are special to him. That was your inner child desperate for validation. The way out is what I said earlier – to see yourself as valuable and special, and not expect validation from other people, including romantic partners.

How is your own sense of worth at the moment? Do you see yourself as valuable and special – not because of any outer accomplishment but just because?