Dear Murtaza:

In my last post to you I was emotional. Some time after sending it to you, I realized that I may have come across as manipulative when at the end I wrote that “I will not be able to be okay with you,  it if this means nothing to you”. I want to explain: I did not mean by it that I will no longer reply to you if I was not satisfied with your response to what I shared. What I meant was to send you the message: please don’t treat what I am sharing with you as a Nothing, because if you do, it will hurt my feelings and it will hurt what I feel about you.

I didn’t expect you to like the music I like, but to get a feel for my greatest longing ..  how it was for me so long ago and how it still makes me feel still, feeling like I am still as young as you are now. (It is hard for me to put this emotional experience into words).

It was a risk to send you the information I did: the risk being that you will ignore it, or worse: that you (and/ or other members) turn against me because of antisemitism (hostility against Jews) and/ or anti-Zionism (opposition to the state of Israel).

In my mind, when listening to the music and seeing the images in the Youtube video, I imagined you watching it, and I imagine you enjoying it.. similar perhaps to you imagining that the therapist would help you (“this therapist.. I fantasize about asking, and in the fantasy she cared”). But now I realize that my imagining was probably my own fantasy. Like you, I am quite pessimistic when it comes to expectations of others responding to me the way I wish they did. You may not reply to me at all.. maybe for no other reason but for you being apathetic (“Here I am, no feelings, no desires, no goals, only consuming, like an animal, at least an animal doesn’t have awareness, the drugs has made me even more apathetic”).

You are welcome to not respond to me, if that’s your choice. You are welcome to respond.. if that’s your choice. My best wishes are for you and for your younger sister.

anita