fbpx
Menu

wouldn’t be a mercy if i just ended my life?

HomeForumsTough Timeswouldn’t be a mercy if i just ended my life?

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 151 through 165 (of 269 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #381860
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Murtaza:

    “My definition of a non norime is similar (I think) to the definition of Frederick Nietzsche (Übermensch)”-

    – as I understand it, his premise is that god does not exist=> there is no superior being who creates morality (right and wrong conduct) and values for humans/ no objective morality and values exist => the independent man/ the next step in human evolution (the Ubermensch= beyond-man/ superman) creates his own morality and values as he sees fit. He has the power to banish herd instincts from his mind, is not a slave or a master (does not follow others’ morality and values and does not impose his own on others). He is about power- not power over others, but power over himself (self-discipline).

    “I don’t like that idea, because it removes my individuality, the thing I worked hard for, and just so you know, most norimes do read Nietzsche..  thus I dislike when someone compares me to a philosopher that norimes read about, I rather have the worst but original idea, then to follow a good one that most people do”-

    – Reads to me that you, Murtaza, are very much an Ubermensch. You say that educated normies in Iraq read and worship Nietzsche, but it does not mean that they are Ubermenschs.

    Here is a quote from Nietzsche that perfectly fits what you expressed to me for a long, long time: “The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”

    But enough of Nietzsche, I want to read more from the living-breathing Ubermensch: Murtaza!

    anita

    #381866
    Peter
    Participant

    Normie
    A person gravitating to social standards, accepted practices, and fads of their own time & geographic grouping without broader cultural perspectives from which they draw.

    Normies possess a lack of interest in ideas not easily accessible or being outside of their/society’s current range of acceptance. A straight. A follower.

    Most normies adopt a “popularity is the only measure of good or bad” mindset at an early age.

    Normies typically have a sense of cultural superiority over “counter culture” movements & foreign cultures. They will often try to discredit out cultures or choices falling outside of their majority think claiming those of other dispositions are mentally ill or out of touch with reality.

    By perspective normies of this generation would have been the social outcasts of the uber conformist 50s.

    Most normies don’t believe they are so. A deep generational delusion has since persisted -allowing them to believe they are defying a system of social rules long since defunct.

    This group can easily be molded to suit virtually any desired value system. In Americas capitalist system, normies have been adapted to consume whats easily attainable with little to no resistance. Popular is good. Therefore all that has been perceived to be vetted by their peers then is accepted.

    As their majority cultural definitions are rooted in shallow concepts and fads that soon expire they’re often then called old.

    Normie is a slang for a “normal person,” especially someone seen to have conventional, mainstream tastes, interests, viewpoints, etc. It is intended as an insult but often used ironically.
    Normie is also sometimes used by specific in-groups to refer and distinguish themselves from specific out-groups.

    Normie, another label and assumption to make us feel special.

    If you think your crazy your probably not so if you don’t you probably are are….  Perhaps a Normie is a person who doesn’t realize they are crazy. We are all individually the same, being unique.

    “You see us as you want to see us – in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us IS.”

    Thoughts that have never been thought by anyone else before… “I rather have the worst but original idea, then to follow a good one…” A new fad of the time, no so new.

    #381870
    Murtaza
    Participant

    I want to read more from the living-breathing Ubermensch: Murtaza

    I perfer to use birdamn, at least to me it has some value.

     

    I just remembered something, when i used to go to this therapist, i had her number so we could agree on a sisson, one day i wanted to suicide, i had a big urge to self harm, i remembered that i have her number, i thought i might ask her for help, since i was on the edge, so i did, i begged her for help, i was so hopeless, and you know what she answered? Nothing, she just seen my message, after somedays, i went to the session, and she didn’t mention anything, she didn’t even ask me about what might happened, she just continue to try to change me so i could fit her world view and society world view, i knew that im on my own, before i ask her for help, i fantasize about asking, and in the fantasy she cared, she replied, that’s why i did it, thats why i was motivated to ask her, even knowing that this might be the result, i didn’t feel anything, since i was almost sure that she wouldn’t answer, but its this tiny hope, she wasn’t a bad therapist, she wasn’t even a therapist, therapy don’t exist in iraq, not yet, and the one that exist cost a fortune

     

    Here i am, no feelings, no desires, no goals, only consuming, like an animal, at least an animal doesn’t have awareness, the drugs has made me even more apathetic, more numb, i kinda like it, this is why i laugh at everything that happens to me, because its all just a big joke, all of this

     

    #381871
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Murtaza:

    Edit then: I want to read more from the living-breathing Birdman: Murtaza! (Do you prefer that I address you as Dear Birdman, from now on?)

    I had a somewhat similar experience to yours regarding a psychologist I went to see when I was 20- I talked and talked to him and he didn’t say a word, not a single word! I asked.. maybe I begged, I don’t remember. I finally got up and opened the door to leave, still not a word. I left.

    As to the “living-breathing birdman” I referred to above: “no feelings, no desires, no goals.. apathetic.. numb”. I love you just as you are. I wonder (and you don’t have to answer any of my questions, of course)- how does your day look like: do you stay at home all day, go shopping.. how does your room look like, when you get outside, what do you see… etc.

    anita

    #381872
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Murtaza:

    The other day I listen to some Iraqi music, just now I listened (and will listen again) to the music I listened when I was a teenager, the language of my youth. This is the most personal/ vulnerable thing I ever shared with anyone in these forums, and I am sharing it with you. It’s funny in that sense that you might ignore what is so special to me, it may be meaningless to you. But here it is: listen to an Aric Einstein youtube song “Ani veata neshane et haolam”, which translates to: you and I will change the world. Unfortunately, I will not be able to be okay with you,  it if this means nothing to you.

    anita

    #381873
    Peter
    Participant

    Here i am, no feelings, no desires, no goals, only consuming, like an animal, at least an animal doesn’t have awareness, the drugs has made me even more apathetic, more numb, i kinda like it, this is why i laugh at everything that happens to me, because its all just a big joke, all of this

    Beautiful… agony, bitter sweet. I used to wonder how it was that I felt so much, that I felt nothing at all? Why is it that the Buddha is most often pictured laughing?   “Dad I’m big but we’re smaller than small, In the scheme of things, well we’re nothing at all, Still every mother’s child sings a lonely song, So play with me, come play with me

    It’s all a joke! Everything anybody ever valued or struggled for… it’s all a monstrous, demented gag! So why can’t you see the funny side? Why aren’t you laughing? ― Alan Moore: Batman: The Killing Joke

    We are living in a culture entirely hypnotized by the illusion of time, in which the so-called present moment is felt as nothing but an infinitesimal hairline between an all-powerfully causative past and an absorbingly important future. We have no present. Our consciousness is almost completely preoccupied with memory and expectation. We do not realize that there never was, is, nor will be any other experience than present experience. We are therefore out of touch with reality. We confuse the world as talked about, described, and measured with the world which actually is. We are sick with a fascination for the useful tools of names and numbers, of symbols, signs, conceptions and ideas.” ― Alan Wilson Watts  – “The universe is the game of the self which plays hide and seek for ever and ever.” Come Play with me

    Most Conflict, inner and outer, has nothing to do with the present. It is always about the past or the future. We can’t agree on the details of what has happened or is going to happen. We desire certainties… but memory is a trickster, a work in progress, ever changing and we never know what is going to happen.  What is really in dispute is how we will deal with not knowing… For my part I prefer the gift of doubt

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Peter.
    #381885
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Murtaza:

    In my last post to you I was emotional. Some time after sending it to you, I realized that I may have come across as manipulative when at the end I wrote that “I will not be able to be okay with you,  it if this means nothing to you”. I want to explain: I did not mean by it that I will no longer reply to you if I was not satisfied with your response to what I shared. What I meant was to send you the message: please don’t treat what I am sharing with you as a Nothing, because if you do, it will hurt my feelings and it will hurt what I feel about you.

    I didn’t expect you to like the music I like, but to get a feel for my greatest longing ..  how it was for me so long ago and how it still makes me feel still, feeling like I am still as young as you are now. (It is hard for me to put this emotional experience into words).

    It was a risk to send you the information I did: the risk being that you will ignore it, or worse: that you (and/ or other members) turn against me because of antisemitism (hostility against Jews) and/ or anti-Zionism (opposition to the state of Israel).

    In my mind, when listening to the music and seeing the images in the Youtube video, I imagined you watching it, and I imagine you enjoying it.. similar perhaps to you imagining that the therapist would help you (“this therapist.. I fantasize about asking, and in the fantasy she cared”). But now I realize that my imagining was probably my own fantasy. Like you, I am quite pessimistic when it comes to expectations of others responding to me the way I wish they did. You may not reply to me at all.. maybe for no other reason but for you being apathetic (“Here I am, no feelings, no desires, no goals, only consuming, like an animal, at least an animal doesn’t have awareness, the drugs has made me even more apathetic”).

    You are welcome to not respond to me, if that’s your choice. You are welcome to respond.. if that’s your choice. My best wishes are for you and for your younger sister.

    anita

     

     

     

    #381898
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Do you prefer that I address you as Dear Birdman, from now on?)

    Lol, address me as you like, i didn’t leave religion to go to another religion and be a follower again, that’s why i said i perfer birdman, but really you can say anything you like, i don’t mind

     

     talked and talked to him and he didn’t say a word, not a single word!

    I wish mine didn’t say a word, at least i wouldn’t felt so much bothered by her misunderstanding, by giving terrible advises

     

    how does your room look like

    Alright i guess, would sent a photo but i can’t, i might upload it in some site and sent the link? I don’t mind really, i don’t have a lot of things, so its kinda clean, my mother always clean the whole house including my room, but really i don’t have a lot of things, and i don’t really make it dirty

     

    do you stay at home all day

    I try to, since its very comfy

     

    go shopping

    Almost everyday, since we are a full family and no one buys food and things but me, sometimes my big brother does some things, but its mostly me

     

    how does your day look like:

    I think i told you my routine, but since you asked, i will answer anyway, i wake up usually with a good mood, i listen to music while i make my breakfast, before i do that, i eat an apple or some fruit, while watching a movie, sometimes i skip the movie and go to workout, just corrective exercise, for my lower back and upper back, since i set a lot, i only do this when its neccessary, sometimes i even workout (weight lifting), i kinda have a home gym, but i haven’t workout since 2 weeks i think, the medication makes me sleepy most of the day (i thought it supposed to give energy not take it lol), but it really doesn’t bother me, if i workout, in the same day, i make the proper food, and kinda make a plan for what exercise/ what muscle i should target, i have a somehow good body, i can make more muscle but i don’t want to really, my goal of doing workout is to have fun actually, since i really like hitting a muscle and see the result, since im kinda perfectionist in this side, i like to have full energy, actually i haven’t worked out much, but there is more result then i ever had even when i went to the gym, its a hard thing to do so i need the mindset and the energy to actually perform right so i can see an actual result

     

    Anyways i watch a movie, go smoke a cigarette in the roof, to also get some sun i guess, i usually do different things everyday, but yes i don’t go out, unless i have to, i used to go for walks, but that was to fight boredom, luckily with the medication this is no longer neccessary

     

    when you get outside, what do you see

    I see loneliness, how different i am from those people, i see people playing this game called life, sometimes i see girls, and remember what i lost, i see them and know that they don’t like me, and i don’t like them either, i see robots not aware of thier programming, just acting in this theater, not knowing there is strings, i see married couple and get jealous, remind myself that i choose this solitary life, thats its my fault i feel so lonely, that it will never change unless i do something, knowing that i won’t do anything, a never ending gulit, and the other option is filled with obstacles, a never ending problems, what beautiful choices, i sometimes remember that this solitary life deprived me from meeting people like you, and then pain, filled with guilt and wishes, i lost it, and will never have it, sometimes i deny how much i want this, connection/ intimacy, i want it so much that i don’t want it anymore, maybe somehow i have it while keeping my self respect, my personality, but no, im doomed to this lonely way of living, sometimes i say that the future is open, and that anything could happen, but nothing will happen if i don’t do anything, im not even here, i died a long time ago, and this flesh what remins of me, just a body, and i can’t have anything while being this way, a nothing gets nothing!

     

    This is the most personal/ vulnerable thing I ever shared with anyone in these forums, and I am sharing it with you

    I will hear this with my full attention and power, and it means something to me, the only person in the world to me likes it, one of the few none norime person

     

    #381902
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Murtaza:

    I enjoyed reading about how your daily life is like (except for the parts of you suffering), thank you for answering my questions with so much detail, and patiently. I didn’t reply earlier because I thought you might follow with another post soon after, but maybe you will later.

    “I will hear this with my full attention and power, and it means something to me, the only person in the world to me likes it, one of the few none norime person”- I appreciate this sentence very much!

    Regarding the compliment of me not being a normie person- it occurred to me only a few minutes ago, that the Murtaza’s definition of the term may come down to just this: a normie is a person who genuinely likes and loves Murtaza just as he is (not wanting to change him).

    anita

    #381904
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Dear anita, i listen to the song carefully, i will save it so i can listen to it when i think about you, i look up for the subtitle, “doesn’t matter” “you and i will change the world” i wished that you were here, so we can actually do that, i felt goosebumps just thinking about it

     

    I wish i wasn’t on antidepressants, i would’ve felt more, i would’ve loved this moment, i would fantasize, its funny because i have a strong need to feel special, and you do exactly that, i thought “what are the chances of such thing to happen?” Its a mystery to me why you love me the way you do, i ask “why me?” “From the all people she talk to, she must seen better”, when you say things “only to you” i feel very flattered, not just because i feel special, but its coming from a such a wonderful person, and she knows me very well, the good and bad

     

    a *none* normie is a person who genuinely likes and loves Murtaza just as he is (not wanting to change him).

    That’s true, its funny because you always say this and get ths answer right, you know me like i know myself, that’s too good

     

    In your recent replay you sounded excited, but in this replay you sounded bit disappointed if i may say (or less excited), did you expect me to answer something specifically? Im just guessing here, but your feelings is important to me, i wish i can give back, the things you give to me, with the same value they are to me.

    #381907
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Murtaza:

    “In your recent reply you sounded excited, but in this reply you sounded bit disappointed if I may say (or less excited), did you expect me to answer something specifically?”- no, I was very satisfied with your first post today. The less-excited feeling that you accurately perceived (you are very good at it!) was probably about me thinking that you submitted your first (very satisfactory) post before you watched the Youtube video, and I was worried that after you watch it, you will no longer like me, because of where I was  born.. or for some other reason.

    “It’s a mystery to me why you love me the way you do, I ask ‘why me?’ ‘From the all people she talk to, she must seen better'”- it is a mystery: I didn’t plan it, it just happened. In my interactions with members, I mostly operate from the intellect, not from the heart. Suddenly, in communicating with you (it appeared sudden but it was not, I am guessing).. something happened. I cannot explain it using intellect/ words. It is unexplainable. But it is trustworthy to stay, to not disappear.

    I will look up the words to the song and send you another post with the words, later. I may take a walk next. Later I plan to go to the taproom.. it may be tomorrow morning (it is after 2 pm now) before I post to you again. It’s after midnight your time. I hope you have a good night!

    anita

    #381926
    Murtaza
    Participant

    and I was worried that after you watch it, you will no longer like me, because of where I was  born.. or for some other reason.

    I like you even more, somehow i feel like you an angel, though i don’t believe in angels lol, i was thinking who do i know from the same country, and i remembered hella (from h3h3), a wonderful person, i hope you have a nice day

     

    #381927
    Murtaza
    Participant

    My apologies for not responding to your post, i somehow didn’t see it

     

    I realized that I may have come across as manipulative

    It did sound like it when i first read it, and i wanted to point it out in a respectful way, but when i re read it, and took my time thinking, i knew that this wasn’t what you mean, and you meant only that thing is important, so i replied “i will take this very seriously then”

     

    please don’t treat what I am sharing with you as a Nothing, because if you do, it will hurt my feelings and it will hurt what I feel about you.

    Your feelings matters to me, even if i didn’t felt in the video you sent, i would still try, out of respect to you and what you do, and how much you give, even if you didn’t, i just admire your personality, and would at least put some effort for you, even if we didn’t had this conversation

     

    You may not reply to me at all.. maybe for no other reason but for you being apathetic

    Since apathy is just a defense mechanism, and since i no longer need it when i talk to you, but if i could control my emotions, i would choose you to spend my feelings on

     

    I remember reading that the smart people who choose to care about the right things, i do care about my sister, actually i might even care too much, i did cared about sara (until she proven that it isn’t worth it to care about her), so i do care about you anita, although i don’t know you very much, but i feel like i have an idea, of how you might be, and i like that idea.

     

    It was a risk to send you the information I did

    Im glad that you did share it, i hope it doesn’t effect you badly, i appreciate that you risk it just to told me, though since i care about you and don’t want you to be hurt, i would suggest we take precautions (such as using email) i would be more then glad to give you mine, only if you think its neccessary, just skip this section of the replay if it is no, im just suggesting really

    #381930
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Murtaza:

    As I read your posts I smiled right away, and still smiling because of the very good feeling of talking (typing really) with you. As I read your suggestion to exchange emails I felt excited by the idea. I don’t want to stop or interrupt our communication here (by shifting to email) because our special communication here may help other people reading it. But I don’t want to lose you in case the website shuts down. If you want to, you can give me your email and if we lose our communication here, I will send you an email and take it from there. Does this sound reasonable to you?

    If it does, for the purpose of not having your email public for more than a few minutes, you can do the following: send me a post asking me if I am ready for your email, then look for my response, when I send you a response saying “I am ready”- send me a post with your email. Then wait a few minutes and Edit your post, removing the email. (In between you submitting your email and editing it out, I will copy it for my personal use).

    I will send this post now, will be checking frequently for your response in the next hour or so, and while waiting I will send you another post replying to the rest of your recent posts.

    anita

    #381934
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Murtaza:

    First, replies to yesterday’s posts: regarding you smoking cigarettes: I know that you want to have a life that is as easy as possible. Continuing to smoke will damage your lungs, and if damaged enough, your life will be difficult, not easy. There is a regular at the taproom whose lungs were permanently damaged by smoking for many years. He is always connected to an oxygen tank through tubes that go into his nose. Every time he gets up from his seat, it is difficult for him, walking is difficult, sleeping is difficult.. everything is difficult- not the kind of easy life you wish for.

    You wrote that you sit a lot, and it hurts your lower and upper back. A couple of years ago, there was a saying I often heard: “sitting is the new smoking”, meaning that sitting is harmful for your body. I hope that you sit in a way that’s better for your body, on the right kind/height of chair, and that every 20 minutes or so of sitting, you get up and walk around some, stretch your back correctly.

    About the song “AniVeAta”:  “Ani” means “I”, and “Ata” means “you” (Ve means “and”). If you combine the two words ani+ata, it sounds like my name, anita. For me, it was meaningful to have “you” with “me”, symbolically, of course. The song’s theme is: “You and I will change the world”, that’s the only line that matters to me. Growing up and onward, If felt very powerless, as in not making any difference for anyone, having ZERO power. The idea of having so much power as to change the world was/ is very appealing to me.. imagine: you and I changing the world! It is an appealing idea (not a reality, of course).

    Second, replies to today’s posts: I didn’t hear about hella before and watched just a bit of youtube- I liked the hummus sign in the background, in the restaurant they were sitting in (my favorite eating experience: wiping hummus spread around a plate with oil in the middle with a fresh pita) and I liked the small coffee cups, it made me miss those little white cups. The way Hella has her hair is the way I had it as a teenager and in my 20s, same color, same shape.

    I very much appreciate everything you wrote (!!!) in your two posts- you did not ignore me or what I shared with you at all, I feel heard and understood, thank you! But I now worry that you will try too hard to address everything I write to you and that can become a difficult job- and I know you don’t like difficult, neither do I want to burden you in any way. So, following showing me your great patience and attention, it is okay that you don’t address everything I say. I want you to feel comfortable.

    *I noticed that you didn’t post yet regarding the email topic and that’s okay, there is no rush.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 151 through 165 (of 269 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.