I didn’t know you had asthma

I have asthma, just nowdays it a problem like it was, although in the past i didn’t smoke (and now i do without triggering the problem)

saying “no thanks” to people who repeat sayings that they hear without considering the bigger picture.

I didn’t understand this statement, what i understood that i don’t see the bigger picture to the benefits of walking, to that i answer: i don’t like it, i can do it for a long time, but my liking doesn’t change, i would still not like it, not without a specific goal in mind, and healthiness isn’t a goal to me, since it doesn’t change anything in my day or mood, it doesn’t actually make a different, unless i do something physical like corrective exercise that relive my lower back pain, this is not only good, but neccessary, so does smoking to me, its neccessary not for survival but for not hating life so much, its not about smoking, but more about the routine, the whole thing, going on the roof, alone, near the sky, with my favorite music, and a cup of cappuccino, while smoking, just  so good

 I didn’t understand the italicized part (something happened just then?)

Not really, i just had those feelings back in the day, i saw a woman in the TV and i had them again, its a complicated problem, since those are tied together, helplessness and females

would pay anything just to be with her”- pay what?

The thing is, i know that if i pay what i supposedly should pay, i won’t have it, i will be disappointed by the result

you mean you said it out loud to yourself.. not to the pharmacist/ in public, right?

Almost said it out loud, though i tend to say it out loud when im alone

based on your strong need to love and be loved in return

I wished i didn’t have it, its suffocating, whats the point of needing something that you will never work for?

 I asked in case there is something new in your willingness to pay.. some new something (not that I am wishing that there was

Whats the point? No matter how much i try i won’t shake the hate i got for ordinary life, the stromg need intepented, to be free and to have my own time, i wish it was there, but with a full package, i wish i was normal, i wish i was something, all i do is wish and whine

By doing so, I hope that you will.. not rush it.

And i should just see myself suffer for 60-40 years for nothing? Death would be the reward after enduring this life? What a great deal, i have to say currently im not suffering much, its the medication, relieved my GAD and depression, but the thing is, for all i know that i will be like this for as long as i live, and the world is getting harder and harder to live in, the competition is getting harder and harder, while i, not even living, i accepted this whole thing, but i accepted something unacceptable, im no good to myself or others, i won’t move and marry and make a family, that’s the only way to get what i want, and i refuse to do it, im rushing because imagine living like this in my 30, how would people will see me? And then i will have those ideas and beliefs in even deeper level, so change would be harder as i grow, i feel like i just watch people live, like i don’t exist, and its my fault, i wanted this, to be nothing, i worked for it, and its hurts, and the thing is, i don’t wanna fix it, my friend was right, i should do it already, but no i develop more apathy just to see how things go, just to see myself, this character i always wanted to be, a monster i created, i highly recommend you listen to the song i mentioned to teak (im the devil, lil b), just listen to the lyrics, i couldn’t explain it any better