An update to where i’m at with this process…I’m still stuck in the cycle of functioning for a few days and crashing into self-hatred, self-harm binges, existential crisis, and hopelessness. What’s different this time around, is that i’m trying to put some distance between the intensity of the belief i’m unlovable and my “self”. It still hurts to be alone, without affection, without support, but as we’ve talked about i’m trying to just leave it as a painful experience and not allow it to control the meaning of who i am which would be someone who is “unloveable” instead looking at it as someone who sometimes feels unlovable, which would allow space for me to look at myself as someone who can also feel lovable.

When I was meditating yesterday i was trying to sit with the unlovable part of myself and watch it without becoming it. I had images of my child self pop up many times, and i called on the lovable part of myself to comfort him. I was in tears when i opened my eyes but i felt at least a little bit better.

Part of me felt silly because it’s like i’ve always had the answer to my depression all along i just didn’t fully understand how to call on the part of me that can help. When reflecting on periods of my life when my health has been it’s best they were times when i was living in a belief of “good enough” problem was I wasn’t supporting the belief internally. The external validation of athletics, and attention from women supported the belief of being good enough but those are flimsy measurements of my worth which I don’t have total control over, and when those areas of my life were doing poorly so was I.

My therapist has pointed out to me many times that i need to be in relationship with the “i’m not good enough” part of me through the part that feels good enough. Instead of getting in relationship with it my desire is to cast it aside, which i’m understanding is not helping my depressive symptoms. Both the unlovable and lovable parts of me, are both me, so it would do me good to stop trying to push it away and care for it.

It’s kind of frustrating it has taken me this long to understand the non-duality of those parts of me. When i see them through duality it’s like i can only identify with one or the other, totally good enough or totally not good enough. The realization i’m having on more than an intellectual level for a change is that i can feel both but neither are me so need to over identify with either. My hope is that when i’m feeling not good enough i can remind myself the good enough part of myself is still there.