Hi Anita and Teak,

Thank you for your responses and my apologies for responding late. I have been trying my best to work hard in the body transformation challenge that i am doing and just another month left before which I am trying to see maximum results. I didn’t have patience to write back or process anything complicated in my mind. From the mental health stand point I am still feeling the same. I think about my life thru my own eyes and not let anything else hinder my thoughts. I have been that way most of the time. I have also started interviewing in few companies in Germany London Netherlands etc. But I am still double minded as to whether to stay here and continue working, start a side hustle and make it something, or to move to another country, gain the experience of work and life. I still fully confused. And being stuck at home for more than a year is making it even worse. I still can’t forget her. Whenever I watch a series in Netflix or any happy moments , I can’t stop imagining sharing the joy with her, crazy things we could do, I do , the laughter etc. These images and scenes keeps flashing in my mind. I couldn’t forget her. I stalk her insta page , which was public but now she made it private. I know her parents are looking for a guy for her. I am scared of losing her. I am scared that if I don’t make a move now she will be gone and it will be too late.  I didn’t think I will complicate my life to this extent. My parents ask about my marriage and i tell them saying I want to go abroad and work and roam. I am not ready for marrying another girl. Or do i feel this because I have not met any other girl and spoke to her ? Will I change if I meet another girl ? I don’t know myself. As of now, I keep getting her thoughts, a lot.

I sometimes think was it all a mistake, that we both met in the first place. A friend’s friend’s friend’s sister. Meeting her in an unplanned tour which I went because of a decision I made while I was high. Which I felt should never have happened. I wonder was it a mistake that I met her in the first place or that’s how people meet the liked ones in the world. Should I realise that it is normal to meet people in strange ways and strange place and cherish what I feel or should I think it as something that happened by mistake. I don’t know how to think about this. I have this feeling is grass is greener the other side on all the aspects of my life. Every single thing. Even about job. I have an interview tomorrow at Bloomberg and I know even if I crack it, from that moment, I will feel negative about the offer and moving to different country. But now when I am here with a different company, I want to try for companies outside. My mind keeps switching so frequently. There is something fundamentally wrong with my thought process. I wasn’t this confused pre pandemic. I always had people, friends around and that gives me mental strength. Being at home for long time surely taking toll. Same issue with my ex. When I talk to her I don’t want her and things feel heavy. When I don’t talk to her I feel I want her and I miss her. But had we continued to stay in same city things would have been different. I have been processing this feeling staying away from each other. I have told her plenty of times I hate long chatting in WhatsApp and over phone talking about complicated relationship stuff without even being together, that sucks. Last year technically we weren’t together, as in like in a relationship. But why am I still not able to move on ? Because I haven’t had this closeness with anyone else. Will I get this closeness if I meet some other girl ? I don’t know. Or am I making this too complex? Should I simply accept and cherish the feelings we have and get together ? And try to be happy ? Cuz that’s how arranged marriage is going to be as well. Idk. Sorry i couldn’t reply to you both individually. I literally don’t have mental strength to process things too deep now. I just felt like writing again of my fear.