Dear natie:

As I understand it, the relationship was good in the beginning because his role was that of an emotional child, and your role was that of a practical mother: you gave him advice and guided him on practical things, from how to wash his clothes to how to interview for jobs. But after your affair and losing your job, you became too emotional to maintain your role (“like someone else is controlling me… feeling off , moody and down”).

He did not like losing the practical, calm and collected mother role you had in the relationship, and he did not want to change his role, at least temporarily, so to  be “the parent” that you needed. He was not able or willing to be there for you, take care of you. He wanted you to continue as before: be there for him, take care of him.

In a healthy relationship, the roles should be more flexible and balanced: when one person feels very emotional, the other needs to be the calm and collected one, at least for a while, and vice versa. Seems to me that he was not able or willing to change his role so to accommodate you at your time of need. Instead, he shamed and guilt-tripped you, accusing you of .. a “narcissist.. sociopath.. toxic” mother to him, and that you believe his accusations. Could I be correct in my current understanding?

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by .