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I Think im the devil in this relationship-help!

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  • #382261
    natie
    Participant

    Hi again,

    I (24 years old)posted a while ago here about my breakup with my boyfriend (24 years old) as he used some of the guilt and shame that i have and caused to make me agree on a thing he wants. i dont know if im writting this to get things of my chest or because i want a brutal honest opinion but here it goes. since that last time i posted, he apologized for using the guilt that happened 8 months ago when i (female) cheated on him with a woman who is 14 years older than me ( got also abused by her- which i think i deserve as a consequence of my actions at the time) and things started to cool off but i was still afraid after this which led to another fight were he suddenly after 8 months and after i disclosed every detail to him repeatedly until he asked me to stop mentioning it as he knows who i am and understands why this happened and still i refused because i felt he should be angry and i asked him to leave me and again repeated the details to make sure he understands, he then 8 months later confronts me and demands answers to questions he didnt cover if he wants to start a fresh page with me , me asking him why after 8 months all of this just came out , his reply was ” when you confessed to me , it wasnt a good time, i was interviewing for a job” and i honestly i dont know what to think after this kind of answer as we kept on mentioning the subject even after the interviews are done and so i refused to disclose the information again this time.

    The first 2.5 years of our relationship was great , we had love ,understanding and mutual respect , we even kind of shared the same dreams, we imagined the future together, we wanted to leave our home town and live abroad together for all the right reasons given our situation in our home town, i always felt he was a supporter of my career but from the start ( lets say the first1.5-2 years) i felt like i was his mom and i confessed that to him and he acknowledge it. i have to admit , up until now my career path for the last 3 years have been difficult and not stable at all, i kept changing jobs or landing internships as i wanted to land a job at a Private equity firm which is a tough industry to break into, while he is at consultancy firm and got his second promotion. he wanted to get married from the first year of our relationship and i want to be with you but lets first figure out our careers and do our MBAs and then we can settle. im giving you all this background story because we had a huge fight two days ago where he ended up acusing me of being slefish and just want to follow my career and that i traveled for 6 months and got back home not because i want to better myself and then eventually end up with him but because im that selfish, he ended up telling me that i lacked empathy in this relationship especially because his father died 4 months ago and i honestly tried everything to ease the pain ( suggested meditation, therapy, begged him to pick up the phone and tell me about his pain instead of arguing with me about how he wants to get back and leave at our home town and how i dont and the fact that i changed plans to be with him abroad eventually, i tried sending prayers and books because he enjoy reading books and i thought indirectly this could help him) and hearing him that i lacked empathy while his father was a the hospital threw me into a guilt spiral like never before, im paranoid i am afraid im narcissist or a sociopath. that fact that he and my friend keep telling me im controlling in this relationship scares the hell out of me, again as i mentioned he wasnt as mature or self reliant when i first met himi but i saw tremendous potential in him and i tried to guide him and to push him out of his comfort zone , asking nothing in return for me but i guess we are different energies , he will always see me as careless or controlling because im not as conservative or uptight as he is in lifestyle and maybe i will always see him as restricting… i dont know im revising all my years with him and i feel like i have the bigger part of being the toxic person ( i know its not a competition who is more toxic or not) but this guilt , this shame i really dont know if its true or im imagining situations or if i am relaly selfish for thinking about just securing my career and post gard degree and then i would love to be stable with him.. sometimes i feel like im not normal or that im asking too much or that girls should not be like that… please help , this guilt of me breaking up with him over all of this is killing me and i dont know if its the right choice as he loved me dearly and his last words on the phone were  ” i would love to see u before i leave again , and just so you know no one will love u more than me” … what if i never loved him enough , what if i broke him for life, what if i spent my entire life in the regret and end up in abusive relationships… how can one survive.. ??

    #382263
    natie
    Participant

    Also , i need to disclose this as its haunting me, he is short and very thin and that didnt bother me ever i always liked his style and how elegant he dresses. However, almost a year ago he became super thin and people started asking me “whats wrong, is he ok?” and i had to justify that he is fine, even buying him clothes or something i struggled with sellers and i started feeling that im not really physically attracted to him and im worried about him , so i brought it up i told him ” you and me being the same weight is really wrong and as a girl it would feel different to have someone who is bigger in body next to me cause it might not feel physically attractive otherwise”. and look i know im not a model or anything the normal not so special person but mentioning that to him doesnt mean i dont like his style or anything it just a matter of body size. he accepted it and mentioned that other people recently mocked him in a brutal way and that he will start working on him and he honetsly did he started going to the gym and getting protein shakes and i encouraged him and really was telling him that im noticing a change to motivate him.. yet when there was a fight once and recently as well he mentioned this point as “me not accepting him the way he is” and that if he wanted to be with someone with better body features he would but he accepts it and he started pointing out which body parts in me … and i kinda took that to the heart as i didnt directly attack his style or any specific body part and i though he understood the point but i admit maybe i was wrong for first mentioning this to him and second for taking it personally when he pointed things out specifically in me …he ended up apologizing ( and thats when i feel maybe it confirms that they are right that i am controlling , or i am not? i really dont know i feel like im losing my mind now.. help me i was never like that in my realtionship with him,,,what happened to us…)

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by natie.
    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by natie.
    #382267
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello my friend..

     

    My name is Wind.

    I would like to share some ideas with you.

    I only invite your curious quiet contemplation. After sharing.. Everything depends on you..

     

    I share ideas straight and not just from your difficulties but for your total life..

     

    Let’s begin at the end..

     

    As you said.. The man say, as he leave..

    ‘No one will love you more than me.’

     

    If your awareness was awake in your life.. In

    these words you would see everything in the nature of the man.

    As the Truth always appears at the end.

     

    They are not the words of a man who did see or understand the life or the nature of the love.

    These words are the words of man who is full of selfishness and the seed of possession cruel.

     

    But because of your emotional blindness with the object (man) you feel it’s a special and so rare. You guilty and suffer and all sorts of delusional ideas about yourself appear.

     

    My friend..

     

    You must wake up. You are the woman of 24.

     

    No man that was a MAN, who loved unconditionally and was awake and understood the heart of the woman would ever throw words like an emotional knife as his final words. Never.

     

    I tell you..  From everything you describe about your life that there is not a thing wrong with you. But from your fears, your doubt, your false seeing and thinking that comes from keeping emotions attached to imaginary dreams and outcomes..

     

    You fall into your own self created prison.

     

    What if? What if? = You are busy in the deluded imagination of a life that is not yours. What if means it’s not you.

     

    Some questions for you to ask you.

     

    If you was born to only one day must die.. Then. What is the purpose of BE BORN?

     

    What is the purpose of the life?

     

    What is your purpose in the life?

     

    Before you meet this man.. Where was all your emotions and suffering?

    All your guilt is your effect from not knowing yourself and having the courage and confidence to walk the path to keep discovering your life.

     

    …..

     

    You shared you made a choice with another woman and from your choice you received bad effect. I see you understand and accept.

    Good.

     

    So from that experience you can see the Law of cause and effect. Meaning.. From you lost awareness.. And follow emotions of desire and lust you received equal effect.

    Of course you pay for your mistake.

     

    So now.. Do not keep any feelings with the past situation.

    Only grow up your awareness to ready and awake for next situation appears.

    To see past the appearance from emotions. Choose a better way for yourself in each situation takes practice and courage.

     

    The more awake in Awareness you become the faster you can overcome yourself to see clearly and refuse dark situation.

    You see effect in the cause and cause in the effect. (requires practice)

     

    But now.. Everything that is your life is the appearance of the law of cause and effect.

    Everyone.. You. Me. Each person.

     

    My friend there are many spaces in the Law. You either grow up your Soul and life to change levels or you grow down your life to enter equal lower levels. Always depends on your energy, actions.

     

    Must courage and self determination to grow up your life and face to face with everything that comes or does not come.

     

    Now.. You volunteer yourself to become a slave to your feelings grasping in false thoughts and ideas about you.

     

    I share..

     

    A man sees a bird. He says it’s so beautiful and can not stand anyone else have it.

    He must have it. So he puts it in a cage.

    He so proud of it. Many people come and admire the bird as it sings and he talks how much he loves it.

     

    My friend..

     

    The bird sings from its love or to overcome its suffering?..

     

    Nothing in this life is more important than your practice to grow up your Soul and discover your life.

     

    Everything that comes or goes always follows the Law of if begin means on the time it must end = Of Course.

     

    Everything that comes and goes belongs to the space and time..

     

    But it is not you.

     

    When you confuse yourself with external objects you lost yourself and fall into many unreal prisons of suffering caused by wrong seeing.

     

    Why you don’t see the beauty of possibilities that wait for you?.. and just attach fears and dark ideas to an ending..?…

     

    And ending is a new beginning..

     

    I always share my friend..

     

    Overcome yourself and you will win yourself back. Escape the attachment and you will come back to yourself.

     

    One man goes = on the time another will appear. You can not say IF.

    You can not know who. Or what.

    Until everything appears.

     

    But what you can do is begin to clear and clean your own mind of all fears about  imaginary outcomes of a future.

     

    Just come back to you. Respect your Soul and life. You were not born for slavery to the behaviours of any object outside of you.

     

    Grow up inside. Compassion for your life.

    You think you have the time to lose all this energy for one object but you can not imagine that you are wasting seconds that can never return.

     

    Clean and clear and look for good purpose in the life. Sincere with yourself. Courage in each step to see the limit of all things.

    Courage to keep your eyes open and ready to discover the value of your life.

     

    Sometimes our inner mirror becomes so dirty.. We lost it. But it always waits for each person to come back. Back to the pure and clear layer of the Soul.

    Clean means clean your behaviour with yourself and the life. Means put down the emotion. Cut the stings of attachment and slavery to another.

     

    From passing through many hells I can tell you sincerely..

     

    The bright clear space within you that knows no Suffering or delusion always waits for you. There is no where to go looking outside..

     

    Only come back. Come back to your original clear and bright nature. By slowly removing all the obstructions that took you away from you.

     

    Patience. Sincere. Courage. Confidence..

    As you go courageously in each step so to does your own faith in yourself begin to appear.

     

    Every situation is an occasion to see the Laws of the life and grow up your Soul.

     

    Each must choose my friend..

     

    Exist like a mouse running on the spinning wheel of repeat.

    Or get off it and begin to live.

     

    Living requires courage. To see that the life always moves and changes.

     

    ‘No one will ever love you more than me.’

    Said the man to the beautiful bird in the cage before he slept each night.

     

    Keep going my friend.

     

    Its ok.

     

    Relax with the life.

     

    Courage. Confidence. Practice good behaviour inside and out.

     

    Great treasures inside wait you. Wait for you to come back.

     

    And on  time with enough details and conditions.. Everything will open and become clear.

     

    Everything will take place.

     

    Thank you so much.

     

    Wind.

    #382271
    anita
    Participant

    Dear natie:

    Two weeks ago, June 17, you wrote: “my mind is running a 1000 miles/ hour with guilt , fear and confusion”. Fast forward, it still does: “I feel like I’m losing my mind”, and therefore, it is difficult for me to understand your writing and understand what is happening in your mind, heart and life. (When quoting from what you shared, I made grammatical editing for easier reading).

    What I understand is that you live in a country that is not your home country, trying “to land a job at a private equity firm which is a tough industry to break into”, and that for 3 years, your work has been unstable,  while your current (or former, not clear) boyfriend has some stability in his career and recently got a promotion, wanting you to move back to your home country and live there with/ near him.

    If you would like me to understand your situation better, please answer the following while you are calm enough to be clear:

    1. “From the start ( lets say the first 1.5-2 years), I felt like I was his mom and I confessed that to him, and he acknowledge it”- how specifically did you act as if you were his mother (examples)?

    2. “He and my friend keep telling me I’m controlling in this relationship scares the hell out of me”- is “controlling” the same as #1 above, that is acting as if you were his mother? If it is not the same: did he and your friend tell you what specific behaviors on your part they consider to be controlling?

    3. “We had a huge fight two days ago where he ended up accusing me of being selfish (for) wanting to follow my career…telling me… that I lacked empathy while his father was in the hospital”- did he tell you what specific things you said and did (or failed to say and do) he considers selfish and unempathetic?

    4. “Sometimes I feel like I’m not normal, or that I’m asking too much”- what specifically are you asking that may be too much?

    5. “What if I broke him for life”- what specific things did you say or do that you think may have broken him for life?

    6. The following may related to # 5 above:  a year ago, your short and thin boyfriend got even thinner than before. You then told him:  “You and me being the same weight is really wrong“, that for a woman to be attracted to a man, she needs his body to be bigger than hers.  He then started going to the gym and consumed protein shakes so to increase his  body size. Fast forward, during a fight he accused you of “not accepting him the way he is”, telling you that if he wanted to be with a woman with a better body than yours, he would have been, and then he pointed out to you, the parts of your body that are less were than satisfactory to him”- (a) Can you share what exactly you told him in addition to the italicized quote above, during that argument/ fight, and in what tone? (b) Can you elaborate on what he told you in regard to your body being less than satisfactory to him, during that argument?

    7. “I’m paranoid, I am afraid I’m narcissist or a sociopath… being the toxic person..  this guilt , this shame”- do you remember when in your life did you consider these things about yourself for the first time?

    anita

    #382276
    natie
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for always answering me .

    my answers:
    1- i used to take care of every detail he needed from sending and writing his work emails when he needed, to giving him advice on how to do interviews even though i was still at college and dont know how to do interviews but i researched the internet. To encouraging him to face those who give him a hard time and calming him down to help him articulate what to respond , pushing him to join social setting and with my friends even if he doesnt feel like he wants to contribute much, i valued his presence. i used to up until maybe this point do the thing in order to show him how to do it whether its washing clothes or cleaning even gifts , he spent the first two years of my birthday giving me gifts from his mom because he didnt have time to go shopping but i made sure every birthday to notice what he likes or doesnt like and surprise him with that.. ( althouhght i should mention he started getting things on christmas to me but after i started gifting his family with customized gifts as a surprise while they are abroad) and so i never felt like anything is coming creatively or easily unless i can teach it , even our conversations today , he ends up mirroring almsot alot of my sentences which sometimes feels like i know what the answer will be cause its like im talking to myself and its not mentally challenging..

    2- no,controlling in a way that it feels like i always need to be right or prove a point ( and they started saying this after the cheating happened- i guess after the abuse i lost my mind)- for example: for persuading him to understand why im putting alot of effort into my career and studies at least for the next 3 years and refusing to tie the not in the meantime,  for commenting on point #6, for expecting him to answer me something differently especially when i need encouragement ( probably because he is an emotional person and im more practical so whenever he needed motivation or advice i used to give him technical ones even if i dont know about the topic i research it and maybe thats why it gave the image of controlling as well), and because maybe after the cheating i did ,abuse and losing my job all within the same period i started feeling like something is controlling my mind and i started pushing him away even though he did everything to stay close to the degree that i begged him to leave because i kept arguing with him over nothing just because it felt like someone else is controlling me and i didnt understand why i was reacting this way and i just wanted to stop the way i act with him and even with my mom, etc..

    3- i looked at our conversation when his father was dying at the hopsital , we had a fight prior to that but it didnt stop me from reaching out almost daily afterwards asking him ” how is your father today”, saying things like” we are praying for him” or ” hang onto the hope they give you”.. but when we did zoom video , i cant remember clearly the words but i was also feeling off , moody and down and it was reflected on my tone but i tried my best to ask in details about his plan in this situation and about his family and how are they holding up and that we are praying for him… but i guess the tone and my bad mood at the time gave it away… but what i can assure you is that after his death i dropped everything i even didnt tell him i lost my job and up until last week i tried to walk with him through his pain to the best of my ability even though he repeatedly refused to open up so i tried to help him directly and indirectly ( books, articles,  prayers,etc..) even when fighting about where he wants to settle i acknowledged the fact that this coming out of place of pain…

    4- im asking too much from a guy to wait all these years ( especially that he met me at 21/22) just for me to start my career and get my MBA ,, in his own words ” no guy waits all that long , all i want is to be with you , i dont see why you cant make that happen even if it means to change your entire career you can always find another job..” , he saw my latest internship to the UAE ” as a selfish move and that i did it for my own good and not to the good of the relationship” –> which is a point i can not understand till now

    5- breaking up with him after4 months of his father’s death ( now) , and after putting him through tons of shit with me as mentioned above yet he was  as considerate as possible with a devil like me,…

    6- a)i didnt tell him anything more, when he told me you are not satisfied with me i was like no i am and i like your type and your style and you know that from the start but people started asking and i feel like im bigger than you when i stand next to you and somehow loses part of my feminism which affects the attraction towards you…  b) he said that you think that im not meeting the minimum but you are? in his words ” if i wanted to go with a girl with bigger body parts i would but i am not like that and this is not what i want ”

    7- yes after the cheating, i cant explain it

    3-

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by natie.
    #382277
    natie
    Participant

    Hi wind,

    Thank you a million. your words gave me a sense of calm and peace, and i kept on reading them as you encouraged me to look ahead and forgive the past … its scary im not going to lie and its confusing as im dealing with a lot of feelings… but as you said alot of soul searching should come from the inside now …

    thank you dear

     

     

    #382281
    anita
    Participant

    Dear natie:

    As I understand it, the relationship was good in the beginning because his role was that of an emotional child, and your role was that of a practical mother: you gave him advice and guided him on practical things, from how to wash his clothes to how to interview for jobs. But after your affair and losing your job, you became too emotional to maintain your role (“like someone else is controlling me… feeling off , moody and down”).

    He did not like losing the practical, calm and collected mother role you had in the relationship, and he did not want to change his role, at least temporarily, so to  be “the parent” that you needed. He was not able or willing to be there for you, take care of you. He wanted you to continue as before: be there for him, take care of him.

    In a healthy relationship, the roles should be more flexible and balanced: when one person feels very emotional, the other needs to be the calm and collected one, at least for a while, and vice versa. Seems to me that he was not able or willing to change his role so to accommodate you at your time of need. Instead, he shamed and guilt-tripped you, accusing you of .. a “narcissist.. sociopath.. toxic” mother to him, and that you believe his accusations. Could I be correct in my current understanding?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
    #382283
    natie
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    so basically the first part you got it right. as for the second part , whats confusing is that i cant blame him if he didnt know or want to provide emotional support ( i breached his trust at the end of the day) even though he tried he was the calm and collected and i kept on being the moody and mean person as i didnt understand whats happening and i tried to push him away as i couldnt bare myself and how treated him yet whats confusing me is that when he argues with me its like he bottled up everything that he said it didnt bother him ( ex: the cheating , 8 months later he wants to go into details all over again because apparently at the time of the confession he was busy with interviews – i helped him with it as well every single email.. another example would be that yes it might be correct that i had a mean or depressed tone when his father was dying but i went above and beyond after his death and still i was lacking empathy in his eyes, another confusing example is that he always told me he was proud of me and how motivated i am in my career and he feels bad for my bad luck in my unstable jobs but suddenly i was told twice that i was selfish and i put work as a priority because if you love someone you need to compromise and life is short and work in a specific field is not important so you can always change careers with your degree) .. this is causing me alot of confusion ..

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by natie.
    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by natie.
    #382291
    natie
    Participant

    I also feel for him, he needed me maybe the first two years of the relationship as he was struggling with his hearing or not i dont know im trying to make sense but  recent timeline, during my depressed and mean time he too moved out of the country but settled at the US ( while i settled at the UAE) and it was his first time away from home and after a short period he lost his father ( the man who was his safety and rock) .. so as you see its a lot to process and its killing me

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by natie.
    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by natie.
    #382295
    natie
    Participant

    sorry i keep writting alot but i remembered an example on how i treated him… 3 days after his arrival to the states he called me crying in the middle of the night and i was like really? and i started talking with a high pitch but all my content was me telling him the following ” its tough  i know we all been there , i know people who kept on crying for 6 months and wanting to leave and then they survived it ,, i went through this just like you last year and its going to be ok, you need to man up as your father told you ,, etc..” anyways we ended up arguing as he was like why are you screaming why are you acusing me of waking you up , why cant you be more loving by telling me that its ok to go back home or to keep on crying and that its difficult and nothing forces you to stay , etc…

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by natie.
    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by natie.
    #382298
    anita
    Participant

    Dear natie:

    You are not “the devil in this relationship.. narcissist.. sociopath.. toxic” person. Sure, it was wrong for you to have an affair while in relationship with him, and it was wrong for you to be moody and mean to him afterwards, but you are not the devil and he is not an angel.

    To be clear: are you saying that you never felt shame or guilt  before you had an affair while in relationship with this man?

    anita

    #382299
    natie
    Participant

    Dear Anita ,

     

    yes i never felt guilt or shame as i was always there for him for 2.5 years , love support and complete honesty and transparency we had dreams together it felt like we are on the same page most of the time

    #382301
    anita
    Participant

    Dear natie:

    In my question: “you never felt shame or guilt  before you had an affair while in relationship with this man?”, I meant before you met him, growing up, as a child. Maybe you felt that you were supposed to be there for your mother- that you didn’t help her like you were supposed to, that you didn’t make her life better (anything at all like that)?

    anita

    #382304
    natie
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    sorry i got that wrong. Yes you are right i am the eldest child and so if i got a bad grade at school my mom would be really sad and i felt like i had to write a letter to her to apologise or when my siblings were growing up I was always up till now uptight and worried that if they satyed out all night they will cause problems at home so i kept calling and chasing them and felt it in my bones because if i didn’t there will be a fight at the house between my parents.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by natie.
    #382309
    anita
    Participant

    Dear natie:

    That’s okay. So, as a child, you felt overly responsible for your mother; fast forward, you feel overly responsible for this man. It does not surprise me, because adults (including myself) often keep re-living the same emotional experience of childhood, although in different circumstances.

    When you brought a bad grade from school to your mother, and she was sad, did you feel.. like “the devil”, like you did something terrible?

    anita

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