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I Think im the devil in this relationship-help!

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  • #383175
    natie
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    thank you for all your wise words and clarification. i dont know if the confusion is a normal reaction after a breakup of a long term realtionship but if it is then i hope time will heal this wound and silence this chaos. i guess till then, i will come back again to ask you for your advice, which i highly appreciate.

     

    natie

    #383176
    natie
    Participant

    Hi TeaK,

    Great to hear from you and i hope you had a lovely vacation!

    “It could be that his father’s death was a big emotional shock to him, and suddenly he became more vulnerable, asking you to accommodate for that and change the original agreement (of getting married at 27)”. i honestly thought that as well at first, but then i remembered that this wasnt the first time he called me selfish, we had an argument before his fathers death about this right when we was about to transfer to the states and me to the UAE. This time however, guilt tripping about previous mistakes were brought up and i was wrongly accused that i moved to the UAE for my own good, i had to sit him down explain to him that he was the one who encouraged me and wanted me to have outside consultancy while interviewing to helpe me succeed and that he was the one who checked up daily if i heard back form the PE or not and told me not to worry they will get back to me- i genuinely thought we made it as a team decision- once i reminded him of that he was like ” yeah you are right but i didnt think about it this way/deeply and clealry when i confronted you recently .. ” so im kinda confused you know, a support from one side and then an entire opposite situation at another time.. probably it was the heat of the moment ,,

    ”What I am noticing as a potential problem is that perhaps he doesn’t feel heard by you, because you tend to immediately offer practical advice on how to reduce his pain. For example, when his father died, you said you were sending him prayers, meditations, suggesting therapy etc, but when talking to him on the phone, you weren’t very supportive but moody, and perhaps he sensed it.” – actually i am very practical and you are right , but i didnt send these prayers of videos right away , i asked him at first repeadetly to talk about it and just pick up the phone tell me to shut up and for him just to get things off his chest but he suppressed his feelings and everytime i asked him to just stop pretending like everything is fine/ getting into fights about problems we havent even thought of and just open up  because i know that this is pain he used to tell me to not mention this and he will talk whenever he is ready so i tried sneding this as an indirect way to sooth his soul and that didnt work either, but everytime he opened up even a bit i used to listen and reassure him about how great his father was and how i see the image of his father in him and how proud his father is right now ,,, as for me being moody that was prior to his fathers death ( i lost my job at that time, didnt tell him, we had problems and his father was just getting sick).

    “It seems like he didn’t feel heard by you, because you sort of attacked him for calling you in the middle of the night, and then you told him to man up and “get over it”….It doesn’t mean you need to be a mother to him, either a practical and problem-solving, or a comforting one, but I am just saying that there might be an energy about you where you tend to seek solutions before you really empathize with the person. I wonder if you see any truth in this?” you are right , i always seek solutions and probably want everyone to act so fast as a need to save/help them and myself.. i dont know why i do this … i will be working on it along with my temper

    natie

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by natie.
    #383178
    natie
    Participant

    maybe i should learn not to give advice on everything and just let them be whether they wanted to open up or not.. i once read that you should ask if they want advice or they want to vent.. i guess this could be a start

     

    natie

    #383180
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Natie,

    thanks for clarifying. If he was at first supportive of you going to the UAE, but then suddenly started accusing you of being selfish, it’s not a mature behavior, and it’s actually manipulative.

    Perhaps he was conflicted in himself: a part of him supported you in your career goals (his rational, adult part), but another part (a child part) resented you for traveling to another country and leaving him on his own. It could be that his vulnerable, needy child part got stronger after his father’s death, and this made him even more afraid, needy and dependent on you (and  more in need of soothing and comforting too).

    Perhaps when he complains, it’s his fear speaking, but he doesn’t want to admit it – he rather withdraws and suppresses his feelings, and then later accuses you of being selfish. But based on what you say, it seems that he too is selfish because he is speaking from his child part, which only cares about his own needs to be met. This part doesn’t care about you or your needs. It also seems to me that he is swaying between his adult part (e.g. when he understands your reasons or when he apologizes for hurting you) and his scared, needy child part (when he is accusing you).

    If he isn’t willing to look deeper at his own issues, then there’s no point in forcing the relationship, because you’re definitely not the only one to blame, and he would need to take his part of the responsibility.

    you are right , i always seek solutions and probably want everyone to act so fast as a need to save/help them and myself.. i dont know why i do this … i will be working on it along with my temper

    Yes, maybe it has to do with you being the eldest child and feeling responsible for your younger siblings, solving their problems, trying to help them?

     

     

    #383181
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Natie:

    You are welcome. You wrote today: “I don’t know if the confusion is a normal reaction after a breakup of a long term relationship”-

    – Maybe. But you suffered from confusion in context of this relationship before the breakup. On July 2, you wrote: “another confusing example is that he always told me he was proud of me and how motivated I am in my career and he feels bad for my bad luck in my unstable jobs but suddenly I was told twice that I was selfish and I put work as a priority .. this is causing me a lot of confusion”.

    I don’t know the exact wording of your conversations with him, but if he said X before, and later said Y (Y being the opposite of X)- that’s confusing. If he has been contradicting himself again and again.. then he has been confusing you again and again, before and after the breakup.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by anita.
    #383197
    natie
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    “It also seems to me that he is swaying between his adult part (e.g. when he understands your reasons or when he apologizes for hurting you) and his scared, needy child part (when he is accusing you).” thank you for this , i have been trying to describe this confusion and you were able to put into words and it gave me a sense of understanding, i wish i was able to notice this earlier, maybe i will be of a help or more understanding , anyway i guess lesson learned…

     

    as for being the eldest , yes 100% thats correct and not only my sibilings but the entire family’s problems somtimes.. i am starting to learn how to let go slowly , there is alot of bad habits i need to change about me ..

     

    thank you for everything ,

     

    Natie

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by natie.
    #383199
    natie
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    “I don’t know the exact wording of your conversations with him, but if he said X before, and later said Y (Y being the opposite of X)- that’s confusing. If he has been contradicting himself again and again.. then he has been confusing you again and again, before and after the breakup.”- you are exactly right , i mean we argued when we were at the start of our relationship but i have never been confused the way i am right now and i guess that comes alot from the swinging that happened between him being a support/safe system and suddenly being the exact opposite…i will make sure to come back and ask for your precious advice once this wound has healed.

    Thank you for all you do, sending a big hug

     

    Natie

     

     

     

    #383202
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Natie,

    you’re very welcome, I am glad that you can now see your dynamic with him a bit more clearly. What are you planning to do regarding your relationship?

    as for being the eldest , yes 100% thats correct and not only my sibilings but the entire family’s problems somtimes..

    It seems you took it upon yourself to be the serious and responsible one in the whole family… If you would like to say some more about your childhood and the family dynamics, you’re very welcome.

    i am starting to learn how to let go slowly , there is alot of bad habits i need to change about me ..

    Since you easily slip into harshly accusing yourself (“I am the devil in the relationship”), my advice would be to start with a lot of self-compassion and self-acceptance. Also, try having compassion for your inner child – for the girl you once were, burdened with responsibilities beyond her age, trying to be a perfect daughter and a perfect sibling (if I am guessing right?)… If you feel like sharing some more, please do.

     

    #383205
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Natie:

    I will make sure to come back and ask for your precious advice once this wound has healed. Thank you for all you do, sending a big hug“- you are welcome, Natie. I will be glad to reply to you any time you address a post to me. I wish for your wound to heal sooner than later (it will take having no contact with him, I believe). A virtual big hug back to you!

    anita

    #383220
    natie
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    In terms of what im planning to do. i guess since we’ve already broken up , i just need to accept it and try to make peace with this fact and start holding myself more accountable to be a better person. do you have any better approaches that you can point me to?

    ” Also, try having compassion for your inner child” – thank you for mentioning this, Anita once mentioned it to me as well, and since then i have been trying to learn more about how to reach that inner child and how to deal with all of that , do you maybe suggest anything helpful in that matter that i should check?

     

    thanks a million for everything,

     

    Natie

     

    #383221
    natie
    Participant

    Dearest Anita ,

    Thanks a million , really!

    Natie

    #383222
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome a million times, Natie!

    anita

    #383288
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Natie,

    In terms of what im planning to do. i guess since we’ve already broken up , i just need to accept it and try to make peace with this fact and start holding myself more accountable to be a better person. do you have any better approaches that you can point me to?

    Actually no, I believe it’s good you’ve broken up because he wasn’t respecting your career plans (which he earlier agreed on) and saw his needs and goals as more important than yours. He said:

    ”no guy waits all that long , all i want is to be with you , i dont see why you cant make that happen even if it means to change your entire career you can always find another job..”

    He asks you to change your entire career so you can be with him and probably “mother” him in the States, or wherever he is currently living. That’s why he refused a long-distance relationship:

    i asked him to continue doing our long distance relationship like any other couple but he said that this is not love and im not putting him as a priority then

    He probably needs you by his side, to help him, support him, solve his problems, comfort him (the last part he wasn’t getting so much, that’s why he was complaining), in short he needs you to serve as his care-taker. And you’ve been doing that vigorously because that’s what you’ve learned at home. You were a mother/care-taker to the entire family.

    Anyway, if he can’t respect your needs and only cares about his own needs, it’s not a healthy base for a relationship. Don’t blame yourself for the failure of the relationship, don’t think of yourself as a bad person. You do have the right to follow your goals and dreams, you do have the right to work in your preferred field. You don’t need to sacrifice that for anybody.

    What you can work on is releasing this role of being a care-taker, or a mentor for others: being responsible for others, and also pushing them to be their best (and in that, perhaps controlling them, or not empathizing enough with them). You said:

    i am the eldest child and so if i got a bad grade at school my mom would be really sad and i felt like i had to write a letter to her to apologise or when my siblings were growing up I was always up till now uptight and worried that if they satyed out all night they will cause problems at home so i kept calling and chasing them and felt it in my bones because if i didn’t there will be a fight at the house between my parents.

    It seems you felt responsible for your mother’s happiness, and did whatever possible not to upset her. One was excelling at school – you felt so guilty for getting a bad grade, that you felt you needed to write her a letter and apologize. You also felt responsible if your parents had a fight, and you tried everything to prevent it – and so you tried to control the behavior of your younger siblings.

    I can imagine how much pressure you were living under as a young girl, trying to keep your parents happy, looking for solutions all the time, trying to minimize damage, and feeling guilty if you haven’t succeed. It was a big burden, and this is a girl you need to empathize with first. You yourself, as a  young girl, eager to make her parents happy.

     

    #383310
    natie
    Participant

    Dearest TeaK,

     

    “I can imagine how much pressure you were living under as a young girl, trying to keep your parents happy, looking for solutions all the time, trying to minimize damage, and feeling guilty if you haven’t succeed. It was a big burden, and this is a girl you need to empathize with first. You yourself, as a young girl, eager to make her parents happy.” – i cried reading this , i dont know why but it touched my heart, thank you for being such an understanding person.

    And thank you for your advice and detailed thinking.

     

    Natie

     

    #383318
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Natie,

    you’re so very welcome! I am glad those words resonated with you. It means this is what really happened and you did feel burdened as a young girl, burdened and guilty for things you weren’t responsible for.

    You may want to put your hand on your heart and tell yourself – the young girl – that she can relax now and put down that heavy burden that she’s been carrying. She can put it down and have a rest. Just not worry about anything. Empty her mind. You may also give her permission to simply enjoy herself and be carefree…

    If you decide to do the meditation/visualization, let me know how it went…

    Rooting for you and wishing you all the best! <3

     

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 45 total)

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