That probably left you feeling like they don’t care about you,

They don’t, my mother only uses us to satisfy her needs, at least my father didn’t care to use us, was waay out of this world

and thinking that no one cares about you

And no one does, not until i provide something back to them, not until they see benefits, and usually its based on societal standards

didn’t take you in her arms and caressed you (or did she?)

Nope, she doesn’t understand the child needs for such things

It could have given you the idea that the world is cruel and unfair and arbitrary,

And it isn’t? If so i would like a proof, a proof from my life, something i can see and feel

You didn’t even dare to wake up your mother when your stomach hurt

I should say that its not entirely her fault (and its not mine either) because as a child i cared for her too much, that i didn’t want to bother her

and therefore, love is “too unreal” for you, and you end up apathetic, unwilling to live. Because what’s life without love

Nice conclusion, though its wrong, thats not the reason why love is too unreal, i told you that i don’t follow my programming, that i ignored the thought of (you don’t deserve love), its too unreal because of where i live and my values and desires and goals and beliefs, so even if i manged to fix that belief, i would have to fix all of the above, you really think that’s possible?

It’s not your fault

“That’s your choice” implies it is my fault and that im responsible for my own misery, i dislike this idea you formed because its simply not true, and the evidence of such is that i developed apathy just to protect me, a strong apathy, and im proud of myself for doing so, i look back at the past, i see nothing worth living, i look at the future, nothing, the present is acceptable, under my rules, i respect myself for being so intepented, physically and mentally, and i love myself maybe too much that i don’t want to see her suffer for no reason, or because of an illusion created by people like you, an idea that may or may not happen, hope

You deserve better.

Following that logic then my mother deserve better, and my father deserves better, almost everyone deserves better, and what does that gonna do? Nothing really, just makes you have an idea that you inheritly deserve something without any effort, i don’t think that’s a nice idea to have, not true either, love is something you buy, and im not talking about money, im talking about prices we must pay to get love, everything has a price, and for me its too expensive, so i just don’t bother with it, the reward is little and the price is too high, without the illusion, without false hopes, it doesn’t seem worth it, it would be the same life with something extra and a lot of payment to do, payments i hate to pay

You deserved to be loved and cared for and comforted

If that’s true then where is it? Oh i must pay a high price for that? Doesn’t sound like i “deserve” it

It’s not your fault that you didn’t get the love and care you deserved. It’s not your fault that you were harassed. It’s not your fault that you were afraid of the dark, and that your stomach hurt. None of it is your fault

But its my fault that i developed a strong apathy ? You know apathy is funny because any solution for it requires the opposite, caring, its a paradox, i need some kind of motivation to drop my apathy, and there isn’t any currently, probably will never be, unless somehow i see enough evidence for not needing this apathy, but i really don’t think so, in time my apathy only grow more and more, medication helped with that by lowering my dopamine (which were motivation come from in the first place), im only afraid that i developed it so much that i would care enough to end my life, and just endure suffering for no reason but basic survival, like an animal