Hi Murtaza,

you talk about loving your inner child your own way:

I already did that, but the hole is still here, and i don’t believe that there is only one way to love yourself, i do it my way, the way i see it fit, not whatever you say, not whatever anyone say

And i would suppose that there is only one way to be a parent to this child, and its a man made way, i don’t care how many people got healed by this way, i already did best for myselfI

you gonna teach me how to love myself? I can’t continue this conversation if you didn’t drop the idea that i don’t love myself, it just makes me mad how you blame me while you don’t even know me, i can’t do this again,

What you did is protect yourself from pain, the way you thought was best. Prior to that, you suffered tremendously (“You don’t know how i lived needing love everyday excessively, so excessively that i wanted to remove this need from the origin“), having a deep longing which no one could meet, and you decided to suppress that longing because that was the only tool you had at your disposal. Your 18-year old self did his best to protect himself from pain – you decided love is an impossibility for you, never accessible, never attainable. With this, you may have suppressed the little boy Murtaza, but you helped the 18-year old to make sense of things, to maintain his sanity. You did well, considering the circumstances.

You’re angry at me for not acknowledging your love for your inner child. I want to acknowledge the role your Protector played in protecting the 18-year old (and the 20-year old) Murtaza from excessive pain. And you’ve managed, to a point. But this very thread shows that you’re miserable. And that’s because you have suppressed that little boy. I am not blaming you, I am just saying what has happened.

In a recent post, you were interested in the true self. The true self is the observer, which observes all of your parts: (1) the little boy Murtaza with his longings and unmet needs, (2) the Protector who came up with the philosophy of why love is unattainable for you, and (3) the 20-year old Murtaza who is apathetic most of the times because he trusts the Protector’s view of the world. The true self would be beyond all those parts, looking at them without judgment, but with compassion and understanding.

its sad though, that every person i talk to either kill me with his wrong advises and suggestions, or just go away,

If you could, at least for a moment, step away from the idea that love is unattainable for you, and that you need to be at the mercy of other people to get love – and give me the benefit of the doubt – this conversation may make sense.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Tee.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Tee.