Anita-

Some important things happened this weekend. First, I traveled to St Louis to see my son play in a baseball tournament.  My parents met me there and I brought my dog.  I was excited to see my parents and also the kids since it was their dad’s weekend.

We had a disagreement about how much my mom would talk with my ex because of past situations that made me very upset.  At this point I do not think I should continue a back and forth about her behaviors with him.  I personally believe she will continue to make small talk and stay on his good side no matter how I feel so she will always have access to her grandchildren.  I’ve started to except that this is how it is.  My parents agreed with me I would drove home Saturday versus Sunday while they hung out with the kids.  My ex made it clear to them that they could join activities with himself and his girlfriend.  While I wanted to spending time with them and the kids I knew this was another disaster waiting to happen.

I was able to spend time alone this weekend and come to some conclusions.  My episode of anxiety started a month ago when S started to withdraw b/c of his grandfather’s death.  While I tried to keep myself from being needy and worried I believe it still happened and it was obvious; it may have pushed him father away.  The anxiety I felt was very bad and took a toll on me in every way.  I believe I should seek counseling to address the strong sense of abandonment/anxiety I have felt with relationships.

Also-S called crying Friday morning. His oldest daughter has Leukemia. This is awful news and I feel so bad for him and his family.  I cannot see myself being able to handle this kind of news if it was my daughter.  I believe now I am going through what will take about a week to separate myself emotionally from the relationship and relieve the rock in my stomach.  I do not see this relationship lasting. He will be in Memphis for 6 weeks at a time for 6 months.  I do not feel that I would be able to hold a relationship together if I were in his shoes.

Everything happens for a reason.

Happy Monday-Lindsey