It’s very unfamiliar and hard for me to choose logic when I can see that vulnerability. He contacted me asking for a road trip, possibly a trip which would take a week, like a holiday. I couldn’t understand it, I asked him why. I asked him if he really asks, cause I was ready to accept it and schedule my everything according to that. I was very regretful that we haven’t had the opportunity to have this kind of a thing, a holiday. Then he reacted to me, I guess I was asking rather in a cold tone. I asked what he thought would happen, I wanted a sincere answer. His answer was that probably I would see something like that message from that day.

 It was like that 2 weeks ago as well, but it was really quick. I’ve bought a surprise cake and then we spent his birthday with a bunch of friends. It was nice, we were nice, but not together. We were basically nice to each other. But then when I saw him replying to another girl when we were together, I reacted. Not like a reaction, I was simply uncomfortable, jealous. Then I guess he thought about the whole situation and came to a conclusion.

This is from my earlier post, so he thought this would happen again and I would make it hell for him by being jealous. Then I told him that I’ve expressed what I felt, it was not my fault that it hurt me.

He made me believe that we could have a nice time again, but then everything collapsed again. He told that he wanted this for a moment but it took 3 seconds till my reaction. I’ve been miserable since and it has been an hour.

I cannot understand, cannot perceive what’s happening. I feel like I’m not used to this and I deserve appropriate face-to-face conservation rather than a vague reaction and it hurts me that we’re having these conversations on phone or by texting. Maybe I’ll ask for one last favor from him to clear things out for the last time.

I know that this is not healthy at all, I know I’m not healthy and I know he’s not either. I know that we shouldn’t be in contact at least till both of us gets healthier. But I cannot hold on to anything. I feel like I need something, I feel like I need just one solid rock to hold on to. Anything.