Hi TeaK,

Great to hear from you and i hope you had a lovely vacation!

“It could be that his father’s death was a big emotional shock to him, and suddenly he became more vulnerable, asking you to accommodate for that and change the original agreement (of getting married at 27)”. i honestly thought that as well at first, but then i remembered that this wasnt the first time he called me selfish, we had an argument before his fathers death about this right when we was about to transfer to the states and me to the UAE. This time however, guilt tripping about previous mistakes were brought up and i was wrongly accused that i moved to the UAE for my own good, i had to sit him down explain to him that he was the one who encouraged me and wanted me to have outside consultancy while interviewing to helpe me succeed and that he was the one who checked up daily if i heard back form the PE or not and told me not to worry they will get back to me- i genuinely thought we made it as a team decision- once i reminded him of that he was like ” yeah you are right but i didnt think about it this way/deeply and clealry when i confronted you recently .. ” so im kinda confused you know, a support from one side and then an entire opposite situation at another time.. probably it was the heat of the moment ,,

”What I am noticing as a potential problem is that perhaps he doesn’t feel heard by you, because you tend to immediately offer practical advice on how to reduce his pain. For example, when his father died, you said you were sending him prayers, meditations, suggesting therapy etc, but when talking to him on the phone, you weren’t very supportive but moody, and perhaps he sensed it.” – actually i am very practical and you are right , but i didnt send these prayers of videos right away , i asked him at first repeadetly to talk about it and just pick up the phone tell me to shut up and for him just to get things off his chest but he suppressed his feelings and everytime i asked him to just stop pretending like everything is fine/ getting into fights about problems we havent even thought of and just open up  because i know that this is pain he used to tell me to not mention this and he will talk whenever he is ready so i tried sneding this as an indirect way to sooth his soul and that didnt work either, but everytime he opened up even a bit i used to listen and reassure him about how great his father was and how i see the image of his father in him and how proud his father is right now ,,, as for me being moody that was prior to his fathers death ( i lost my job at that time, didnt tell him, we had problems and his father was just getting sick).

“It seems like he didn’t feel heard by you, because you sort of attacked him for calling you in the middle of the night, and then you told him to man up and “get over it”….It doesn’t mean you need to be a mother to him, either a practical and problem-solving, or a comforting one, but I am just saying that there might be an energy about you where you tend to seek solutions before you really empathize with the person. I wonder if you see any truth in this?” you are right , i always seek solutions and probably want everyone to act so fast as a need to save/help them and myself.. i dont know why i do this … i will be working on it along with my temper

natie

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by natie.