“A friend of mine suggested that I was trying to let go of responsibilities during these ‘cannot let go’, ‘cannot break up’ mindsets. Maybe I really try to let go of my responsibilities”- I didn’t understand this part- what your friend was trying to say. (You don’t have to explain  it to me if you don’t feel like it).

I’ve met an old friend the previous week and we talked about my break-up for a while. The point he was trying to make was the fact that how hard was it for me to let him go, or forget or move on. He’s aware of the things that made me upset during the relationship and he did tell me to break things up as soon as possible months ago. When I’ve told him that I’ve waited cause I couldn’t do it, and I’ve waited till he was the one trying to move on; he was concerned that I couldn’t take responsibility. I have never thought of this because I didn’t want to break up with him. I’ve always had this part of myself who wanted to continue with him because the other way seemed much scarier. However, thinking about what he said, I really have a hard time taking responsibility. Maybe that’s because I like staying safe, in terms of finance and in terms of relationships. I often avoid conflicts and I even make concessions in my everyday life to avoid conflicts, even with my flatmates sometimes. I was never avoiding any type of conflict with him, though. I was transparent all the way.

So these days, I’m thinking about how much I use my free will. Sometimes I don’t use it at all. Sometimes I just go with the flow and oftentimes, that flow happens to be contingent upon other people. It was like that with my relationships as well. I don’t choose people, they choose me. And I stay in their life as long as they continue choosing. I think I’ll try to start choosing people from this on.

It’s still my habit, staying up till late. I try to sleep every single day, though, and I’m able to do it. Since I have remote shifts, not so tiring, I have the opportunity to spare some time to myself to relax, to watch some stuff, and sometimes read. And since I’m all alone in my own room, there is no extra work. I had to organize stuff more when I lived with him. I had to change sheets more, tidy up more. Right now, it’s just me in the room and I get along with my flatmates regarding the other rooms of the house.

I’m getting better, I suppose. I’m depressive sometimes but I try to distract myself with movies I have always wanted to watch and couldn’t find time to.

On a side note, I’ve realized that I decide out of fear sometimes. Fear plays a great role in my life. I get scared a lot, by the life itself. I don’t trust life that much, that’s sad.