Dear Anita,

Thank you for your cautiousness. Your answer does not distress me. I have seen darker parts of myself than the one that might still care about my mother.

My relationship with my parents has always been a complex one. Once there was love, for sure, and if there are remains of it then so be it. My parents loved me and were insane/unhealthy enough to abuse me in spite of that. Even the few times it got physical, I never feared for my life. Only my mental health would be at risk.

I have been very frustrated by my parents, and it wasn’t even much about the abuse. They could have got away with that if they had healed themselves and stopped the abuse. Instead, my father went for self-destruction, and more aggressiveness. It was a disappointment, in the end, I could only accept what couldn’t change. I knew he would meet his death early enough, I was hoping it would be sooner than later when he made us suffer. His death was meet years later after I understood it’ll be coming for him, underwhelmingly. I wasn’t sad. It made sense, it was meant to be, it wasn’t a bad thing. My mother hit me for not being sad. It was one of the few times she actually hit. I wasn’t sorry.

Did I love my father? I did. He could be an awful person, but he had some interesting things about him. And he loved me. But I also know we would have had many exhausting arguments and fights between us if he lived, so I am not unhappy he is gone either. He actually took better care of us by dying than by staying alive. It sounds like an awful thing to say. But sometimes reality is awful.

I noticed the extent of my mother’s insanity and abuse way after I noticed my father’s. I had felt it before, but I didn’t understand it. The realization, when she became worse, felt like a betrayal. Interestingly enough, I felt less close and personal with my mother than with my father despite spending more time with her. The connection and betrayal were more about the fact she had protected us from our father to just… end up being like him, but more expressive, dramatic, and controlling? And lasting. She relied on us to survive. Her mental health wouldn’t allow her to be alone or without her children. So of course, she would not kill us. She would just break us then try to repair us as the savior she’s trying to play. Or break herself and accuse us of the crime if we weren’t playing along well. Once you understand how she works and protects yourself against her acting, well, she’s safe enough to be around. ONLY if she is under the illusion you are not escaping from her and she still holds you within her grasp.

Do I feel love for my mother? I can’t tell much, with the mixed feelings. I will be able to tell more after she’s gone. It is easier to acknowledge the love for an abusive parent when they are not a problem anymore.

I feel pity for her. I don’t think she’s very proud of what she is, and that shame makes her worse. But I can’t be in too much empathy when I am protecting myself. I really don’t want to repeat the story for myself. I will not fall into external abuse, I know better. But, bearing with household’s abuse? Sure it can be done, as long I gain something from it.

‘’On the other hand, in the outside world, people other than your mother (those strangers she claimed to have hurt you, protecting you against them before)- they may kill you’’

Here you have my brain who wants to make a lot of rational claims about the probability I could or not meet someone that could kill me. I will refrain from that, I guess, for now. Emotions and fears aren’t rational.

So, yeah… People from the outside world are less predictable than my parents, so I couldn’t protect myself as easily if they wanted to hurt me. In a deadly way or not. I am unsure of how to cope with this, if it is what is happening.

Maybe I can share an event that happened in my early childhood and that would fit the theme. I do not usually talk about it because I am over it and it already spread too much without my consent thanks to my parents, but it could hold helpful information.

I want to clarify: I do not particularly identify or feel emotional toward the event, but the aftermath can hint at how I shaped my mind around concrete, outsider aggression. After all, the first experiences are something that shapes the brain.

I guess I should make a trigger warning. If you’re very uncomfortable or distressed with mentions of child molesting you might want to skip the next paragraphs. Nothing graphic of course, but I don’t want to trigger anyone.

The story is short: I was between 6-7, playing with my sister outdoor alone in the neighborhood, and I was interrupted and molested by an unknown man who later was revealed to be living nearby. I got away with only a bit of molesting, he stopped because he was scared to get caught.

Personally, I felt lucky that this kind of assault didn’t end with me disappearing forever or being found dead in some strange place. My parents weren’t as happy. Understandable enough.

The guy was caught. I didn’t have much aftercare after the whole event, but I was mostly fine. I reassured myself by thinking : it happened once and I was lucky, it is like a lesson. And honestly, what are the odds it would happen again to me specifically? Probably it is a lifetime event. But let’s say it does happen again, if I’m unlucky. Now I know it’s a thing, maybe next time I’ll be able to react and fight back? Figure out a smart way out of this. And what if I am unable to make it safe? Well, I could die. If I die fast enough it’ll be over. End of existence would mean it isn’t my problem anymore. It wouldn’t like to die, especially in such unfortunate circumstances, but there are worse thing than death. Like, living in fear. I don’t want that. So I will stop worrying about the next time.

That was it for me. My parents needed more reassuring than me, so I showed them I was fine. I was even accused by my father of bragging because I expressed I was fine instead of showing trauma. That’s rude and insensitive of him, I think. I was confused and upset that my parents weren’t happy with me being fine. It was almost like they would have preferred for me to be traumatized. I chose to not follow their expectations because I didn’t want to suffer from any consequence. I really believed I was as fine as I could be and it was a good thing.

Too soon after the event, my father had contacted the press and made scandal over the affair, making the event public news in my village. I heard of it from a schoolmate I never talked to. The news was out. Now people that I didn’t know had thoughts and opinions of what happened to me. I had to live with that, and it was less comfortable than having to live with the memory of the event. It was in my power to cope with something happening to me. It wasn’t in my power to cope with everybody knowing it and having thoughts about it. It was upsetting. I thought they would forget, but it lasted. My mother reported to me about a stranger speaking of me about that event even ten years after it happens. I didn’t doubt her, as I myself heard people gossiping about it or had even been asked directly about it. I preferred the latter because at least I was given a chance to speak my mind, even if I wasn’t prepared to and was weirded out.

Silly enough, I was more able to find reassuring coping thoughts about the molestation event than I was about strangers talking about me behind my back.

Of course, I do not exclude the possibility that despite all my will to be strong alone and all my self-affirmations, I might have kept some unconscious fear in me from the initial event. I do not like the idea of that, because it would take back the power I gave myself and I’m unsure how to cope with the fact I cannot just decide to be strong, but I can intellectually acknowledge the possibility.

Whether the cause of my unsafety is the brainwashing of my mother about ‘’all the bad people’’ (that had started before the event, it’s her general mindset, my mother didn’t bring up the event as much as she could have surprisingly enough) or is the consequence of this event, or the bullying, or any other rational and irrational causes… I am unsure what strategy to adopt to deal with the outside world.

It is a complex issue. You do not have to bring solutions. I am good with just sharing thoughts and experiences. I’m alright with analyzes. My mind is strong and I don’t get distressed easily as you might have noticed. If anything, distress would probably not be so bad if it ever happened. As long it isn’t provoked by someone trying to harm me, I can deal with it. I wouldn’t avoid someone who isn’t bad for me. I do not shy away from difficult thoughts easily.

Linarra