Dear  Namaste87,

After reading your post and the rest of the thread, I feel like I am not so alone. Thank you for sharing your story and I found the responses quite helpful as it pertains to my own situation.

I am also 34 married and pregnant with my first child. My mother fits the description that you wrote about yours to a tee. Being her emotional punching bag my whole life had finally taken its toll. It has been three months since I have gone no contact with her. I moved across the country 5 months ago but I did not move specifically to get away from her. She pushed me to the brink and now there is no way i am going back to my old ways.

I, like you, am trying to heal from the past wounds while also thinking about how I can be the best mother possible to my baby. I want to live an honest life and be true to my words. No hypocrisy is allowed under any circumstances. It has been extremely difficult to come to terms with my decision to cut out my evil mother but knowing that I have a baby on the way has helped tremendously with the guilt and the shame.

Whether I am having a boy or a girl, I want to raise the baby as an honest person. I don’t want the child to grow up and end up resenting me because I was not true to my words.

I would never want my child to experience the physical, emotional and verbal abuse that I went through. I want to protect my child from evil, and pain. So if I tell the child you must not allow yourself to be in a relationship with someone who treats you this way, then I myself must live by this rule. If I am friends with someone who abused me, the child might feel like okay so if you can be friends with your abuser why can’t I? So if I continue to be friends with my evil mother, my child will learn by example and I am setting him/her up for a lifetime of being in abusive relationships.

it truly hurts that my relationship with my half sister is also damaged because of this but it is no longer about me. She will understand when she is strong enough to become a mother herself. She doesnt want to be a mother out of the fear of hurting our evil mom.

My favorite philosopher is Alan Watts, I listen to his lectures when I feel depressed. I highly recommend.