Hi Anita,

I don’t think my dad let bad happens to me always, so there is always some love for him. He was a good dad in a lot of ways he was my only parent so he had to play the role of the mom too, and he did his best at times.

Later in life he would send me articles that made him think of me, he bought me things that he thought I needed, he would call to check in on me, and he honestly did a lot for me. He would drop everything to come and save me, like when I landed at an airport feeling sick.

Then there were bad parts of the relationship too, so it’s clashing.

When he got diagnosed with cancer 11 years ago he started being easier to be around, so I would say it is the opposite of your second point. The bad things were for the first couple of decades of my life.
So I think I mourn the little things he always did for me throughout my life and the last years mostly.

I still feel angry too. So it’s confusing.

Today I feel sad, angry, and I feel bad for him but then also guilty.

I feel bad for him because it’s not easy to watch him this way. The last time I was there he asked me to help him as in to make him feel better, but i couldn’t so i just played his favorite music. I brought him a digital frame so that he could look at pictures of familiar faces and happy memories, but it didn’t make him happy. Instead, when a photo came on of him on top of a mountain he told me how he wished he could go there again. So I felt bad for him and the whole gift just became depressing.

However, for the last three days, I felt more ok, almost happy, and normal at times. I started my normal routines again, but then I started feeling bad for not feeling bad until I finally felt bad again.

So there is 1. anger that makes me almost relieved
2. sadness
3. guilt although when I think of #1 I don’t know why I should feel guilty.

Not sure what I am asking for from this ramble was but it felt good to write it down.