because you rejected everyone (except anita)

And why only anita that i didn’t reject? Because she understood, she had similar experience herself, she accepted, liked me, never projected nor judged, if its a me problem, i wouldn’t find anyone that will agree with me, especially someone that we both know that is intelligent.

 

Those people tried to help you,

I know, but thier help isn’t needed, thier help isn’t help, not to me.

 

 I said there is a way to get out of your misery

Yes, by watching YouTube and meditate everyday, i hate this, i can’t control how sick it makes me feel.

 

An animal doesn’t love itself in the way humans do

I don’t believe am in animal, it’s just an exaggeration, to what i sacrificed in order to live, sacrificed my feelings and desires.

 

So how are you an animal?

My defintion of an animal is this “a living thing who only main goal is survival” a huamn to me, is “something greater, who can get over his animalistic desires” so huamn should have greater goal other then survival, if that isn’t met, i think its best that he off himself, if he isn’t living as human.

 

And if others don’t accept it, you believe they don’t accept you

Who is the other you?

 

If the person has the intention to heal, they can do a lot of work by themselves

I don’t, and i explained why, its something i can’t change, because i don’t want to, i don’t want to heal because i believe its bullshit, i also believe that the end is the same, and that i shouldn’t really bother with changing something, these belief, were inherited, by my environment and genes, though you don’t like to hear that, its too complicated, too troubling for your world view, so i will say what you like, its my fault, i did this, i alone.

 

It doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that you live in Iraq

Funny, a friend of mine who has GAD, i told him there is a way to relieve this, he was like “no i will have this the rest of my life, i feel like its gonna kill me one day” he had the same mindset, close minded, doesn’t subscribe to this positive stuff.

 

my big sister who had pain in her teeths, refused to go to the doctor for over two years, and developed apathy, when i asked her why don’t you just go, she replied “i don’t like doctors, they gonna start advice me on how i should take care of my teeths” i told her that the longer she have this pain, the more apathy she developed, and if you develop enough there will be a point of no return, she replied “im already there”

 

My little sister, who spend the whole day, not even saying a word to anyone, hardly even care about living, more apathetic then i ever was, so shut off.

 

So no its not where i live, because environment doesn’t shape me at all, if i told you, i am the least depressed person in the family,  you won’t believe me.

 

But even this won’t make you accept me, or change how you view me, no matter what i say, you will still believe i don’t like myself.

 

you too have access to those resources. But you simply don’ want it.

Because i desperately want the other option, the people option, to be accepted and understood, to be loved, and i can’t seem to accept anything less, its so lonely to watch videos, i want people for god sake, connection.

 

If you fully and completely accepted yourself, you wouldn’t be looking for acceptance from people online

So would you live completely alone, loving yourself and accepting yourself, knowing that most people won’t, i thought we are social animals, this is just frustrating, no matter what reasons i give, you still convinced of this.

 

You wouldn’t want me – a random stranger on the internet – to like you,

 

You aren’t just a complete stranger, you are human, and im human, i would feel good knowing a human likes me, to challenge my belief that says “most people won’t”, knowing that its because of who i am, not because of anything else, i wish i was something you would like, i truely do, i wish that i had the desire to change to be liked by a person like you, not only you but most people, the thing is, i know that somethings can make people love me, some superficial things, money, looks, but i sadly don’t subscribe to this kinda superficial shit, i wish i did, but i know if they like me because of these reasons, it wouldn’t matter.

 

Not only you don’t accept me, you never will, and you represent most people, because this mentally is common, if you are true, that i don’t love myself, and that im wrong with my reasoning (you don’t believe/ dismiss my arguments) anita wouldn’t agree with me, she wouldn’t have to continue talking to me if she didn’t think  im honest, maybe, Just maybe, you are wrong? You ever thought of that? But no, you are very smart to be wrong, you will never drop your belief that i don’t love myself, no matter how much reasons and arguments i gave, you just ignore them, it seems, hmm… i don’t know, arrogant?

 

Even though i dropped mine about that you are a norime, and continue talking to you, and never made fun of your belief, tell me, if i was super nice, super polite, but had the same beliefs and lifestyle, would you like me? You won’t answer ofcourse, now you know why i called you a norime, now i know that it was best to avoid replaying to you, just makes me sad.

 

Why do i still try then? Because i like you, sadly, i do, i like the person you are, what you do here, how nice and understanding you are, i like you emotionally, but this can fade away, when the mind part interfere, when i decides its not worth it, when i control my feelings, and explain to myself, that it isn’t my fault she won’t like me.

 

This is how much im desperate for human connection, this is how much im desperate for females to like me, but i won’t let it control my actions, i won’t do anything, to be liked, i will only do what i want, what i please, its misery, but at least im in control, not them.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Murtaza.