Dear @TeaK,

Thank you again for digging deeper with me. I hope you believe me when I say that it has really helped me. I definitely never saw that I was being the mother figure since taking care of people has been my thing. When I was younger, I used to forget to take care of myself, I wanted to be liked by everyone. It was a horrible time but I am much better at choosing myself now.

My ex was quite level headed, I mean I was always stunned by how mature he was but tbh I was comparing his maturity to my maturity at my age. That is a skewed vision altogether. I was impressed by the fact that even after being 6 years younger than me he was so reflective and sensitive, come to look at it now I think it was because of his traumas. He was always a melancholic person who thought too much about things and was sensitive to everyone’s emotions. He would get anxious with sounds or music. He would brood too much about what someone said. I was able to help him with those (I thought I did). He was very happy one time I told him how to talk to his boss so that she listens to him. It worked so well that he became her fav intern 😀 Therefore, he used to be very thankful for my outlook on life. I was always cheerful and excited. Meanwhile, he was a Debbie Downer (I did not have a problem with that) he was different from me and I appreciated that. He was practical, I was kind. He could make good decisions about spending money, I was good with planning trips, household chores etc. For me, it felt like we complement each other and are a strong team.

But as you said I think he did grow in this relationship and maybe he didn’t need my support anymore. So clearly, it was not ‘love’ but a need. No wonder he was so confused and could never decide what our future should be. He called once after our breakup after a dinner with his family that he misses having me on the table and that he would love to have a family with me. But then after a week, he will tell me how he wants to have sex with other women and if I feel the same way with other men. I guess he was feeling guilty that his feelings have changed since he didn’t need me and he was unable to understand for himself. He did not want to lose me after the breakup knowing that I was such an important part of his life (his words) but he also didn’t like me anymore as he did when he needed me. He would reach out when he was anxious, or sad or was stuck in a dilemma and since I was seeking connection I will give everything from my cup.

Answering your question regarding the points below:

Also, it’s peculiar that he would ask your permission to have phone sex with another woman, 5 months after your breakup. But then again, if he saw you as his mother, perhaps he felt the need to confide in you and ask for your opinion (like, do you think it’s okay to have phone sex with this girl whom I just met on facebook?)

He is a very physical person. Since we hadn’t seen each other since Jan 2020 he was clearly horny so he was seeking the physical connection. He was also hanging out with people who were sleeping around with random women and he was clearly influenced. He tends to get influenced by his group. As I understood, the only reason he was asking for permission from me is coz he wanted me to tell him if I was seeing someone else. It was like he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He did accept this. He also confessed it would drive him mad to think that I might start seeing someone else but he also kept forcing me to not wait for him. He was hanging out with girls, dancing, went on a date, flirted and would tell me all about it. He would then ask me if I have these encounters and I was like No. It was a pandemic I was stuck at home I wasn’t seeing anyone. I was also traumatised so there was no way I was thinking about anyone else. And then again he would ask me why is he confused.

Btw every time he talked about having sex with other women, or if he would complain about how little sex we had during Christmas, we’d end up having phone sex ourselves. I honestly have no clue how did I agree to that. My only explanation is that since I was like a parched dog in a desert seeking a source to fulfil my need. Any connection made me feel like I am getting closer to him. One time he even rejected me after asking me to come on skype for a session. When I complained he was like please deal with your anxieties it’s not my responsibility to help you with that. He is right but this is from a person who would not stop calling messaging me every time he had any anxious feeling 🙂 I don’t want to establish that he is a bad person. He is not but yes I did not see the red flags.

He did tell me last year Nov (5 months after the breakup) that he thinks there is no one as kind, forgiving and wonderful as me. He said he thinks I am close to Jesus as a spiritual being and I am the most important person in his life.

It sounds like flattery – perhaps he was feeling a little down, perhaps something was bothering him at the moment, and he quickly called you to make him feel better, like he would call his mother? But since he knew he offended you quite a bit earlier, he needed to soften you with some sweet talk…  Do you think this might have been his motivation?

No, this talk was right after he asked me if I give him permission to have phone sex with this girl on Facebook. We were having a normal conversation when that topic of “him giving me the right” to tell him if he should have phone sex with this girl from Facebook or not. Apparently, they were flirting for some time. I was so shocked that I said I don’t think I can talk about this and that’s when he said how I am the only person he knows who is spiritually as close to Jesus. (Btw I do not follow any religion. He believes in Jesus but is not religious(whatever that means)). And then again when I said I am not going to tell you if you should have sex or not. I made him understand how hurtful it is for him to ask me for this but his response to that was so will you do that? He said this girl is just someone he is having sex with he doesn’t care about her. But the things he wants to do might be considered disrespectful for me. He was a weird relationship with sex. He used to be scared of sex. He had been cheated on several times. He was so scared that I would cheat on him too. And that’s how I was never bothered by his jealousy. I knew the source and I tackled it well. According to him, he only ever enjoyed sex with me and I know he was genuine when he said that. But then there were complaints about how we didn’t have enough sex since someone questioned him that it’s not enough sex in an LDR (for reference we would meet after every 1 month for 5 days and none of us had the energy to be at it all the time)

I feel so weird since it might look like he is a crazy person. He isn’t. He is just a human being who has a lot of pain bodies and traumas and doesn’t know how to deal with them. I do not want this post to be about him being a horrible human being but about me being blind at that time and not taking my self-respect into account. I would not do a disservice to my old self since I just did what I felt was right at that time. I know better now!

Thanks,

Akansha