Dear Dave,

I actually agree with Aardvark, who highlighted the well-being of your son as the main factor to consider in dealing with this situation with your wife. You say:

My son’s needs are being met, he is fed, clothed and happy.  He doesn’t have a lot of time with his mother though, which I am not sure how much that will effect him.

You earlier said this about your son’s reaction to his mother:

Also our son gets upset if she tries to get him out of bed in the morning, doesn’t want her to change his diaper, dress him, give him dinner (the nights that she does get home early), or put him to bed.  He will cry for me whenever she tries to do this kind of stuff, and I know it hurts her when he does this.  So I find that I ignore him while she is home, so that he will go to her for things, but he will usually just cry until I pay attention to him.

He is already rejecting his mother, at the age of 2, which is a bad sign. Her neglect is affecting him and he is protesting. If this continues, he will have a wound of being emotionally neglected by his mother, and he will carry it into his adulthood. So by tolerating your wife’s neglect, you are helping create a wounded child, and some day, a wounded adult.

Aardvark is right when he/she says that your son should be a priority. It is his life and happiness that are at stake. Your wife is reluctant to change, she doesn’t seem to understand her role as a mother, and her importance in your son’s upbringing. It appears she hasn’t created an emotional bond with your son, and so she isn’t really missing him and doesn’t care to spend time with him. That’s why she can prioritize her work and not take into consideration your son’s needs.

She might have not had an emotional bond with her own mother either, and now is giving the same treatment to your son. But it’s harmful and she should become aware of it.

There are many ways how she could cut down her working hours, but she isn’t motivated, and I think it’s because her motherly instinct is weak. As I suggested earlier, she may even feel uncomfortable in the role of the mother and may feel that she is a bad mother. And she wants to avoid it as much as possible. But she would need to deal with her own emotional wounds, instead of letting them affect her relationship with her  son.

Anyway, I believe you should put your son’s well-being as the priority when you talk to her, and make her realize that her behavior is harmful for your son’s emotional health and has long-term consequences. She cannot continue sticking her head in the sand, refusing to take responsibility…

When the thought of splitting up crosses my mind I get sad, and feel like I wouldn’t be able to do it without her,

It’s nice of you to try to make things work out with her, being tolerant and everything, but be aware what’s at stake here. I do hope that she will see that she is in fact causing emotional harm to your son, and will choose to do something about it.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.